Underwater Kiss

Among some teens on the Gulf Coast, there was a protocol regarding who could initiate a kiss.  The rule was that starting a passionate kiss underwater was a female perogative, and it could last as long as both stayed underwater.  This gave the couple a modicum of privacy -- others could figure that they were kissing; but how deeply and whatever additional affection could take place was not visible to others' eyes.

Teens in a group sometimes find it hard to obtain a little privacy.

You develop over time an ability to hold your breath longer, especially there's some heavy petting that may require any adjustments!

Also, it's nice to take the lead sometimes.

Get Certified!

Michelle Fitzgerald had a reputation for being a little loose.  No, it was a little more than that: she reckoned that she had slept with at least 30 guys of varying quality.  No keepers at all.   That's what comes from having joined a sorority and leading la loca vida, Southern university-style.

However, she wised up, started studying in earnest, and was able to graduate from the university and then attend the School of Law.  She became more career-minded and became an Associate in a law firm.  Since she contemplated a career in politics, she first joined the Democratic Party but was unsuccessful in her office-seeking.

Now Michelle did have an unerrant eye on the main prize: first a seat in the State House, then after a decent period of service moving up to the State Senate, and someday moving up to at least the U.S. House of Representatives if not beyond.

The idea of Michelle Fitzgerald being a M.C. someday had a lot of appeal to her.

But, unfortunately, she had first joined the wrong party.  So she did what any good politician with negotiable principles would do: she changed parties.

However, her new Republican friends did wonder about her sincerity in her newly discovered faith.  Clearly, Republicans were no more easily misled than Democrats.  What she needed was proof of what she claimed to be, despite the rumors of her wild sorority days and her previous espousal of Democratic politics!

Finally, it came to Michelle when she pressed the Easy Button: "I'll get certified.  Then, whenever someone in her newly adopted party openly speculated on how trustworthy she might be, that she might be a RINO, and should not be the Party's nominee, she was able to show her certificate of virginity, which could be interpreted as ideological virginity.

A friend of hers, who also strategically went from Republican to Democrat while seeking office in another district, also got one of these certificates and played hers.  There's a lot of these retread virgins in politics, depending on how the political winds may blow!  Or, borrowing from the days of the Civil War, could they be called galvinized political virgins?

Later on, when she married another Associate in the law firm, she was able to show him her bonafide certificate, for some other reasons!

Everybody knows how you can tell when a lawyer is lying: when her lips are moving!

Funny Names for Horses

You can name your horse anything you please; but if you want to race him as a thoroughbred, you must register the name with the Jockey Club, which sets certain limits of horse names:

1)  They can have no more than 18 characters.
2)  They must not be obscene.
3)  They must not be a living person's name, unless that person has given signed permission.
4)  They cannot advertise a product.
5)  They cannot end in 2nd, 3rd, etc.
6)  They cannot use abbreviations, and so forth.

Still, there's a wide range of horsy onomastics to consider.  Here are a few real horse names that managed to slip by or get approved by the Jockey Club:

EighteenCharacters

Bad Cop No Donut

Dadsalittleunusual

Beer Goggles

Butter Face

Stump Hole

Pants on Fire

Swale*

Going Commando

Girls Got Skill

Papa's Got Gin

Reality Sets In

It's All Lies

Fusaichi Pegasus*

Chateuagay*

Indy Undies

Ross Is a Hoss

Hadtoomuch

Resume Innocense

Barely Legal

Four Bucks N a Doe

No Speed No Feed

Going Commando

OK Topless

You've Been Served

Oneofthebirdboys

We Both Walk

What a Bad Day

Unzippher

Pensive*

Will Run for Gin

My Office Wife

Luv Guv

Walk of Shame

Bodacious Tatas

Turducken

War Admiral*

Nosupeforyou

Cathouse Saint

Breeze the Weasel

The Wages of Sin

Junk in the Trunk

*Kentucky Derby Winner

There's a sense of wonderment that I have about these names: the cost of purchasing, training, and maintaining a thoroughbred horse is $$$; yet some owners come up with these terribly funny or even déclassé names.  It would seem to me that a committee of horse-minded tween girls could come up with better names. 

I can imagine some horseplayer going up to the pari-mutuel window and saying "Give me $20 on Walk of Shame."  Or, even better, the track announcer reporting, "And at the finish, it's Bodacious Tatas by a nipple!"

My Recurrent Characters

While writing stories, I tend to fall back on a few characters.  I didn't start out with them fully fleshed out; but they sort of evolved with time.  Here's what I see them as currently, but they may change according to my whim.

Madeline, the Prophetess -- Madeline is a woman in her mid-20's, a New Orleanian to the core.  She's Catholic, but with that peculiar tendency towards devoutness that is seen in some living in New Orleans.  She is sincerely religious in the best sense; and follows the spirit of Catholicism but not necessarily the letter of it.  In another time, she would have been like Jeanne d'Arc.  Because she is a public figure, this can get her in conflict with the Archdiocese on occasion.  Strangely enough, she doesn't mind hanging out with characters on the edge of the underworld.  While she has visions, she has lately been using them in her capacity as an equine actuary (bookie).  As a Cajun, she is also versed in folk medicine; she is a taiteur.

Cowgirl Melinda is a straight-shooting girl also in her 20's who lives by the code of the West.  Don't fence her in.  She is skeptical of authority, government, and people who put on airs, as she puts it.  That sort of stance comes with the territory of being home alone on the prairie with cows or other critters for extended periods.  She's a hard-working girl who is darned nice to have around when she doesn't get in trouble even if she has a few rough edges that she sporadically tries to smooth.

Frankly, Madeline and Cowgirl Melinda are in some ways different aspects of myself.

Officer Pete is a young NOPD patrolman who is attracted to the Prophetess, but doesn't know quite how to go about it.  The NOPD was frequently a target for lumps from the national media, but most of its members mostly do the best they could.

Crazy Chester is a large, wise, good-hearted, middle-aged African-American Creole who is Madeline's partner in bookmaking.  He also runs the numbers on the side, and sells some mind-altering herbs.  Despite his involvement with the underworld, he is sometimes called on covertly for advice by local businesspersons.  A major fear of the local ward heeler is that Crazy Chester will some day go political and run for public office, like a seat in the House.

You know, if he would become the Honorable Crazy Chester, he would improve the tone of the House, whether in Baton Rouge or Washington.

The Lucky Dog Guy is a rotund vendor of hot dogs in the French Quarter.  A graduate of Loyola University in philosophy, he provides sagacious comments to those who would listen.  He is a font of knowledge on appropriate condiments for hot dogs.   

Al Gautreaux and Missy Chauvin are two newscasters with Action News, both in their late 20's.  Missy had an escapade with The Honey Island Swamp Monster that left her well-pleased; but she does not say why.  Al is a great one with the ladies.

The Lewd Dude is a college student/tourist from Indiana; hoping for a moral holiday in New Orleans.  He saw too many DVDs of Girls Gone Wild and developed great expectations.

My Guardian Angel Steve appears now and then, but is discreet, a real gentleman! 

Sakura the Fairy is a displaced Japanese fairy who dresses in a kimono and is creatively mischievous, as fairies should be.  Although she was originally the Cherry Blossom Fairy, her lack of detail caused her to be demoted to the Fruit Cake Fairy.

I may use Suzette, the Existential Stripper, again someday if my whim goes there. 

I drew heavily on New Orleans types, partly because I grew up there and because I think New Orleans has something to offer.  I planned to write an essay on 'Why New Orleans Matters.'  But it boils down to the fact that because it is an incomplete melting pot, it forces people living there to make some form of accomodation for each other.  As a result, it has layers of several cultures there.  Where else could you find Italian-surnamed people practicing some voodoo rites, or African-Americans speaking a dialect of French (Louisiana Creole), or the various forms in which Mardi Gras is celebrated?

New Orleanians tend to be fairly tolerant of others' frailties.  Laissez les bon temps rouler! 

In short, New Orleans is different from the Great Elsewhere.  It may be a potential source of cultural renewal for the United States in the future.  I really think that our regional differences should be viewed a strengths, rather than liabilities.

In the meantime, it is extremely entertaining to live there or to visit.
 

Trécon

 

It means "very stupid" in French.

 

For some reason, the post I put up earlier in the morning does not come up in some peoples' list of new posts.  If you would like to read "Where New Orleans Policemen Buy Their Shoes, click on older post.

Where New Orleans Policemen Buy Shoes

As things go, it started innocently enough: St. Cletus's Parish Altar society was having its monthly social; with teacakes and wine in the Parish Hall when Crystal Badeaux sang that innocent little ditty from New Orleans folklore that has been around from time immemorial:

"All policemen have big feet;

Buy their shoes on Rampart Street."

Now the Altar Society was also colloquially know as the Parish Gossip Clearance Committee for a reason.  And it just conveniently happened that the good, innocent priest Father Devereaux was absent; otherwise his presence would have cast some inhibitions on the dialogue that took place.

Now some of the latest gossip had been pretty well plowed over: Missy Chauvin's daring new outfit that she wore on the 10 o'clock news, Pierre Jeansonne's drinking problem, Mimi Dupré's naughty weekend at Gulf Shores, the latest act of Suzette the Existential Stripper, and the antics of Crazy Chester threatening to run for political office.

So they went back to some of the old standbys, such as speculation on the sex lives of single or separated members of the Parish.  [I hope guys don't do this also.]  Ousier Hébert observed about the parish's resident mystic: "Madeline the Prophetess has been rather subdued of late.  Is she still seeing that nice young policeman, Officer Pete?"

Tante Bizou said, "But yes.  They are a pair.  But what brought that on?"

Ousier Hébert said, "It is what Crystal Badeaux said, about policemen having big feet."

Tante Bizou replied, "So......."

Ousier said, "Well, you know what they say about men with big feet!  Maybe he has a quieting influence on our Madeline.  We need to do some field research."

Angelyne Periot said, "Oh, I hope it is true; Madeline is such a sweet girl!"  There was a tinge of nostalgia in her words that was not lost on other members of the Altar Society.

Finally, most of the gathering began to understand that Ousier was referring to the folk belief that certain male features correlated to the size of their feet.  Still, there were a few of them who were slow on the uptake, and needed a detailed explanation.

So they decided right then and there to make a little trip to the Café du Monde coffeehouse, where the local fuzz take their breaks.  When they arrived en masse, they were pleased to see Officer Pete on a break with the Sergeant.  They went up, one by one, and looked at Pete's and the Sergeant's feet.

Finally, Ousier Hébert asked Officer Pete where he buys his shoes.

Pete said, "Oh, around.  Sometimes Macy's, sometimes Holmes, sometimes Penney's."

After the ladies left, Pete turned to the Sergeant.  "What was all that about?"

The Sergeant said, "You don't want to know.  Now brush the sugar powder off your uniform and we'll get back to work."

...

Boogers and Biochemistry

 

Warning:  This topic might be found distasteful by some.

 

Scott Napper, a Professor of Biochemistry at the University of Saskatchewan, is in the process of determining whether the practice of mucophagy may have some benefits for the immune system.

 

Mucophagy sometimes follows rhinotillexomania. otherwise known as nose-picking, for some people.  In more usual language, rarely among the Hamptons set, this is referred to as snot-eating or booger-eating.  Research indicates that about seven out of ten people engage in nose-picking, and three out of ten subsequently consume the extracted mucus.

 

Grrrrr-osssss! 

 

Anyway, the notion is that the deposits in the nostrils contain small amounts of pathogens; and consuming small doses of them by consuming boogers may actually have a beneficial effect on the immune system by exposing them to small, managable amounts of these pathogens.  This is a kind of desensitization process.

 

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/health/2013/04/30/professor-asks-if-eating-boogers-boosts-immunity/

 

His planned experiment is very straightforward: he plans to use two groups of volunteers: those who would eat their own boogers, and the other who would abstain from doing so.

 

I admit that I'm not that committed to science that I would serve as an experimental group subject!

 

It's obvious that snot gets no respect.  To describe someone as snotty is perjorative, whether in the literal or the figurative sense.

 

Then we also have that ominous figure, the Boogerman or bogeyman, used by some adults to ensure children's compliant behavior.  Does the Boogerman live in Boogertown, TN or Boogertown, NC?   Does he engage in mucophagy?  I am curious.

 

Can we expect someday that some health-conscious individual will propose Booger Supplements and have these sold in the homeopathic medicine stores?  Silly goose -- after all, boogers are readly available!  But homeopathy has widespread acceptance by the New Age roll-your-own health crowd despite no scientific support for its efficacy.