Sunday, September 22, 2013

Where New Orleans Policemen Buy Shoes

As things go, it started innocently enough: St. Cletus's Parish Altar society was having its monthly social; with teacakes and wine in the Parish Hall when Crystal Badeaux sang that innocent little ditty from New Orleans folklore that has been around from time immemorial:
"All policemen have big feet;
Buy their shoes on Rampart Street."

Now the Altar Society was also colloquially know as the Parish Gossip Clearance Committee for a reason.  And it just conveniently happened that the good, innocent priest Father Devereaux was absent; otherwise his presence would have cast some inhibitions on the dialogue that took place.

Now some of the latest gossip had been pretty well plowed over: Missy Chauvin's daring new outfit that she wore on the 10 o'clock news, Pierre Jeansonne's drinking problem, Mimi Dupré's naughty weekend at Gulf Shores, the latest act of Suzette the Existential Stripper, and the antics of Crazy Chester threatening to run for political office.

So they went back to some of the old standbys, such as speculation on the sex lives of single or separated members of the Parish.  [I hope guys don't do this also.]  Ousier Hébert observed about the parish's resident mystic: "Madeline the Prophetess has been rather subdued of late.  Is she still seeing that nice young policeman, Officer Pete?"

Tante Bizou said, "But yes.  They are a pair.  But what brought that on?"

Ousier Hébert said, "It is what Crystal Badeaux said, about policemen having big feet."

Tante Bizou replied, "So......."

Ousier said, "Well, you know what they say about men with big feet!  Maybe he has a quieting influence on our Madeline.  We need to do some field research."

Angelyne Periot said, "Oh, I hope it is true; Madeline is such a sweet girl!"  There was a tinge of nostalgia in her words that was not lost on other members of the Altar Society.

Finally, most of the gathering began to understand that Ousier was referring to the folk belief that certain male features correlated to the size of their feet.  Still, there were a few of them who were slow on the uptake, and needed a detailed explanation.

So they decided right then and there to make a little trip to the Café du Monde coffeehouse, where the local fuzz take their breaks.  When they arrived en masse, they were pleased to see Officer Pete on a break with the Sergeant.  They went up, one by one, and looked at Pete's and the Sergeant's feet.

Finally, Ousier Hébert asked Officer Pete where he buys his shoes.

Pete said, "Oh, around.  Sometimes Macy's, sometimes Holmes, sometimes Penney's."

After the ladies left, Pete turned to the Sergeant.  "What was all that about?"

The Sergeant said, "You don't want to know.  Now brush the sugar powder off your uniform and we'll get back to work."



Banana Oil said...

An enjoyable satire on gossips.

Cloudia said...

"Men insult each other and don't mean it. Women talk sweet - but don't mean it."

Aloha E.P.

Mike said...

Are you starting a new study with your blog following guys?

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

So, do the New Orleans cops have big feet?

Anemone said...

I love those names you use!

I doubt that foot size and thing size are related.

Anonymous said...

You're kidding about hoping that guys don't speculate on others' sex lives. They do, frequently.

Meredith said...

An enjoyable comedy. :)

Brandi said...

So they actually measured guys' ding-a-lings? Chuck Berry would be proud.

The Bastard King of England said...

I wear 11D's.

Duckbutt said...

A real gem of a story.