Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Mountain Outhouses and Cathouse Decorum

Quentin, traveling reporter from Gotham, was back in western North Carolina to report on hillbilly life especially in terms of the bathroom controversy. You know, the one with the infamous HB 2, where the state decreed that you must use the restroom in accord with the sex designated on your birth certificate.

Anyway, his slant on things was this: Do mountain businesses follow the state mandate with separate outhouses in accord with one's birth sex?

He was fortunate to find his old informants, Billy Bob and Bubba. They were working (much unlike them) to add additional compartments to the outhouse in back of Vance's Diner and Bar to satisfy the requirement of the law while accommodating new categories of people, like 'Female, but Curious" and "Don't Remember, but Too Embarrassed to Ask." Not to make fun of the issues or the people involved. Anyway, Ole Clyde Vance wanted to keep his customers happy. You know....

Actually, Ole Clyde simply told them, "Build numerous outhouses so they won't pee in the parking lot out front and smell it up."

So our guys built a double-decker outhouse for the various possibilities!

But while dialoguing with the good ole boys he discovered something else unexpected: the local cathouses had a dress code. The good ole boys in that neck of the woods, if they wanted some lovin' for hire, they would have to tuck their shirts in, comb their hair, shower, and not wear hats indoors.

Quentin expressed his surprise; but Billy Bob put it this way: "Well, honest workin' gals don't want no more of those rowdy New England Patriot fans to come in and mess up things. When they go slumming, they really let things go."

Billy Bob said it with a deadpan face; and Quentin swallowed it hook, line, and sinker. A New York City readership loves nothing more than a jibe at those pretentious Bostonians.







11 comments:

Cloudia said...

Played the city 'sophisticate' yet again!

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

EPT ~
I know little about outhouses.

I know a little more about the New England Cheatriots. (May it snow on all their parades.)

And those who've followed my blogging misadventures for some time know that I lost mine in a cathouse about a block from Sunset Boulevard. (Laid it down somewhere and never saw it again. Oh well. Most people lose it SOMEWHERE, amiright?)

~ D-FensDogG
Check out my new blog @
(Link:] Stephen T. McCarthy Reviews...

Mike said...

I'll be on the second floor thank you very much.

Birgit said...

I have used outhouses but I think I will pass on the 2 storey one. I have never been in a cathouse but i have one in my Christmas village:)

allenwoodhaven said...

Clyde had the right idea, keep the customers later.

allenwoodhaven said...

That was supposed to be happy not later!

Gorilla Bananas said...

So that's what the inside of an outhouse looks like. I always wondered. Not yet fully furnished it seems. Got any pictures of the inside of a cathouse?

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Outhouses are no-frills booths for one specific functioning. Not a place to linger.

John Hill said...

Been to one, not the other!

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Bilbo said...

I wonder how many of us, of which ages, have actually used a real outhouse. As it happens, I have a great deal of experience with them.