Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Subcommittee Considers Banning Navel Display

Recently Heidi  []  and then Salon
mentioned a current bill before the Montana House (HB 365) that requires that "nipples and aureolae be completely concealed. The Salon article attributed this and nine other weird laws to the Tea Party. It may be; but I don't know whether opposition to more taxes or the ones we already have warrants legislating dress codes or other things. I guess the morality dictation crowd fits in with those tax opponents. Oh well.

What is not widely known is that this type of legislation has been noticed in other states; and some hyperprudish persons are proposing similar dress restrictions there. In Louisiana, for example, there's Hilda Walspurgis, mainstay of St. Cletus's Parish and too often seen figure in the halls of the Capitol Building in Baton Rouge. (Some people wonder, where is Carl Austin Weiss when we need him?  No, just kidding. Assassination is not an accredited government solution except in banana republics!)

Anyway, here's Hilda's argument for an additional restriction to a bill being considered in committee by the Louisiana House: 

Hilda Walspurgis: "Thank you for giving me the opportunity for legislative input on the bill based on similar legislation being considered in Montana and Idaho.  The bill before the committee, in its present form, does not go far enough. It should also prohibit  the display of navels as well as nipples, aureolas, anuses, and other indecent parts!"

Committee Chairwoman Felicia Jones: "Very interesting, Madam. You realize, of course, that this addition would de facto prohibit belly dancing and bikini swimwear?"

Hilda: "I do, Ma'am. Belly dancing is a lewd Middle Eastern practice found only in low clubs where you can get go-cups when closing time is near. It's been said that some strip teasers go to the extreme of flaunting their navels!"

Rep. Dillweed (Hard of hearing): "If you prohibit navel flaunting, you of course realize that doing so ends any possibility of New Orleans hosting Fleet Week...."

Chairwoman Jones: "Mr. Dillweed, I think that type of navel we're concerned with is spelled n-a-v-e-l, just to clarify things."

Hilda: "This bill would also make great strides to regulate the naughty abdomen displays in the French Quarter on Mardi Gras Day!"

Rep. Stanley Mossback: "I'm for this; there's too much display of bosoms, navels, camel shoes, and derrieres on Fat Tuesday, as it is. NOPD is just too lax; it's like they declared that Mardi Gras was a police holiday."

Rep. Gilbert Timmons: "In my opinion, this is fine legislation; but let's not limit it to female navels only. It would be more acceptable to the Courts if it is a non-sex discrimination navel ban."

Hilda Walspurgis: "I'm sure that a law that does not sexually discriminate would be desirable, and esthetically justifiable. The law I advocate, however, does  give greater penalties for displaying inverted navels."

Rep. Timmons: "But wouldn't that fall into problems under the Equal Protection Clause?"

[Aide whispering aloud to Rep. Dillweed: "Greater penalties for outies as opposed to innies."}

Rep. Dillweed: "Whose navels, Audrey's or Annies? Why not also Jack's or Bob's?" Leave it to Rep. Dillweed to deter any possible manifestation of sexual discrimination, at least.

Rep. René Fontenot: "Penalizing display of outies might antagonize pregnant women, who often have popped navels when in the last few months of pregnancy. Likewise for fat men.

Hilda Walspurgis: "Showing any navels, whether male or female ones, is an offense against God and man."

Rep. Claude Dupré: "Let's nip this outrage of navel displaying to include navel oranges. Plaquemines Parish can switch to Valencia oranges. Sell the navel oranges with duct tape over the navels."

Rep. Timmons: "Wouldn't doing this lead to navel orange pornography?"

Committee Chairwoman Jones: "We ought to outlaw the Fuzzy Navel drink too. And other suggestively named drinks: Sex on the Beach, Bosom Caresser, and so forth.  So, shall someone offer a motion to amend the nipple and aureola measures to include navels?"

Rep. Beau Jefferson: "Yeah! And clever bartenders will re-name their drinks fuzzy belly buttons!

Committee Chairwoman Jones: "Let's amend the proposed legislation to include 'the prohibition to display navels, also known as belly buttons!' It's better to stop up tha loophole."

Soon to be hidden in Louisiana.

[This is entirely fictional. Hairy beer bellies will continue to be seen in Louisiana.]


Bilbo said...

Perhaps I should call up the Navel Reserve and reserve a few navels, just in case!

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Great story! I wonder how likely the Montana bill will become law! I hope it won't.

Linda Kay said...

That is just too bizarre! But some of the legislation that comes through is just as crazy, I think. Loved the naval vs navel reference, Angel.

TexWisGirl said...

i'd prefer butt cracks were to be hidden. :)

eViL pOp TaRt said...

TexWisGirl: Me too!

Bilbo, Elvis, and Linda Kay, thank you!

Duckbutt said...

There also goes the need for navel jewelry.

John Hill said...

Ah but there are butt cracks and then there are butt cracks.
I know. I'm a sexist, discriminating, curmudgeonly old man.

John Hill said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chuck Bear said...

A little buttocks décolletage is also welcome!

Mike said...

A navel, nipple, and areola ban would cut deeply into bead dispensing, thus sales, at Mardi Gras proving it's an anti-capitalist law.

Kristen Drittsekkdatter said...

I know no reason to exhibit nippels, aurolas, or belly buttons, anyway.

Insane Penguin said...

Navel orange porn sounds too fantastic to be true. Navel Orange Is the New Black?

allenwoodhaven said...

Good post! I enjoy your writing. I'm surprised that cleavage isn't included in these laws. If they continue, we'll all be wearing burkas.

Cloudia said...

Dillweed? LOVE IT!

ALOHA from Honolulu