Turning Back the Grammar Nazis

Among people, there are the linguistic sticklers; and there are those who are more relaxed about it. I can't help but sense that those who correct others' grammar or speech relish an opportunity to demonstrate their English bonafides by correcting others' usage unbidden. Goodness, I got that kind of crap when I used Cajun French or Louisiana Creole in Paris! Yes, that guy in My Fair Lady was right: the way an Englishman speaks absolutely classifies him. And some come out sounding like snobs or jerks.

The two biggest issues are the splitting of infinitives and whether it's okay to end a sentence with a preposition.

Language purists have long taken umbrage with the Star Trek opening lines: "To boldly go where no man has gone before." They choke, harrumph, and whine over the daringness of breaking the cool lines of the infinitive "To go" by placing 'boldly' between those two words. Hey, you all: it's okay. Split all those infinitives you wish. As a bonus, feel gleefully sinful when you do it.

The other faux grammatical mistake is that you can't end a sentence with a preposition. Therefore, this charming poem submitted in a discussion on the rule is invalid:

One day it was on.
The next day it was off.
What happened to happily ever after?
To have her near.
To have her around.
Feelings of remorse and regret came up.
Maybe one day, one day this would all pass by.

Actually, this "rule" came from the notion that English should use similar grammatical rules as Latin. That's a language that is as dead as a doornail. And attempting to follow this rule can lead to awkward sentences.

"Shall I take my clothes off?" sounds better than "Shall off I take my clothes?"

The Fabulous Fainting Goats of Tennessee

There's a curious breed of goats that's found on some farms in central Tennessee that have a condition called myotonia congenita which causes their muscles when they are startled to freeze and get stiff legs for about ten seconds. This is followed by them falling over but without losing consciousness or having any ill effects. They do not actually faint; but show these motor symptoms. They are smaller and friendlier than other breeds of goats, and have protrubing eyes.

They are kind of cute.

Lewisburg, Tennessee in Marshall County has a goat festival each year honoring "fainting or nervous goats."

Here are some myotonic goats with their characteristic response to a startle.

Phoenix Phil and the Speedo

Since it was an unseasonably hot day for October in Wyoming, the cowpokes, including Cowgirl Melinda, decided to take a dip in the crick. No, not like some old movie lady and that singing kid; they went in wearing proper swimwear, Wyoming-style. From the start, let me say that Melinda wore proper cut-offs and a t-shirt; she was not into flaunting her figure with the cowpokes in need of a Saturday night somewhere.

And the others pretty well dressed like they hadn't much truck with the water; cut-offs, jeans, two sported board shorts like west coast surfer dudes!

But Phoenix Phil stepped out of his jeans and revealed that he was wearing a speedo! Needless to say, the rest of them did a double take like the time Melinda wore a bikini too short for Utah!

And the comments started!

"Whoa, bro! Too much information."

"Hey Phil, that one doesn't have much of a back and your lack of tan is showing!"

"No doubt about it, Phil - you had too many beers over times."

"Are you wearing a Solo drinking cup on your gear?"

Well, Phoenix Phil got on his high horse and said, "You guys are just jealous and lack a sense of style!"

Cowgirl Melinda said it pretty proper: "I wish I'd a had a drink or two to prepare for that."

Anyway, amid all that merriment, one of them had an idea: Phil would do a horseback streak while galloping through nearby Big Butte, Montana!

So they did. And to encourage the now-reluctant Phil, several of them rode altogether in the altogether with him.

That evening, a few of the Big Butte citizens were taking their ease in front of a bar, complete with swinging doors, when they saw this surreal sight: bad cowboy moons rising!

"Holy horse droppings; that must have been some bad whiskey we drank this evening. What next, elephants wearing tutus?"

They raised their questions to Sheriff Bartlett while he was apparently eating a pear.

Ol' Sheriff thought to himself, "Well, shoot! Gotta work now."

So he stomped out and soon came across six buck naked cowboys on horses.

Sheriff Bartlett thought he was hallucinating, so he took the pledge.

How to Be Popular With Guys

How to be popular with guys? This is usually an unstated question because most girls and women think they know the answer. Or they come up with the usual suspects: (a) have a large chest and flaunt it; (b) smile a lot; (c) be sociable and outgoing; (d) flip your hair and do attention-provoking actions; (e) make out early and often; (f) adopt interests that guys are likely to have.

Yes, some of these might work. But there's one strategy that is often overlooked:

Be sweet! Don't be snarky!

Yes, the habit of snarkiness is easily learned through reinforcement and modeling. There's the instant gratification that comes through the self-gratification of being clever, or thinking one has been, through a well-timed snarky comment. And, let's face it: television comedy and drama programs almost reflexively fall back on sarcasm or snarkiness to further dialogue along. Years ago, I religiously watched Veronica Mars. But I learned not to unleash my inner snarkiness on family, friends, and boys.

Authority figures? That was another matter. But never, never unleash snarkiness or sarcasm on guys. Your victim will dislike you, and others will fear your sharp tongue.

And you have become an aversive person to them.

So remember this, with apologies to Lewis Carroll:

"Come listen, fair chick,

And I'll tell you a trick

To avoid that unmistakable mark;

Lest people might know

Wherever you go,

You're a warranted genuine snark."

"Seasons in the Sun" -- BTOB Results

Well, this episode of the Battle of the Bands, based on the covers of the melancholy song, "Seasons in the Sun," results are in. It was a close race between two candidates.

AND THE WINNER IS:

Terry Jacks, with 8 votes.

Interestingly, Terry Jacks adapted a Rod McKuen translation of Jacques Brel's chason "Le Mortain" that he intended originally for The Beach Boys. I wonder what they would have made of it. They certainly did definitive versions of their own songs, and "Sloop John B," also done by the Kingston Trio.

The Kingston Trio -- 7 votes

Jacques Brel got 1 vote. Was this the electoral equivalent of pity sex or weak applause; or a recognition of greater poignancy in the French version.

Thank you all for participating in this Battle of the Bands. Actually, one trio group and two solo singers; but who's counting?

Dealing with a C. T. S.

Being in the dead of winter in the Appalachians, I have concluded that Northerners must be made of sterner stuff, at least butt-wise.

I'm talking about that universal fact of life faced by cold climate dwellers: sitting on a cold toilet seat (C. T. S.) in the dead of night. At least guys have only the number #2 occasions to worry about. We ladies get it both ways! It ain't fair, y'know.

Why a C. T. S.? It all comes down to thermodynamics: the transfer of cold  from a colder object to one that is warmer. Entropy, my Dear Watson. Some materials transfer this type of cold more effectively than others. Basically, there are three kinds of toilet seats: vinyl plastic ones, wooden ones, and padded ones. The vinyl ones transfer heat more effectively to its colder surface than the wooden ones. The padded ones transfer the least amount of heat.

Therefore, your warmer surface (your behind) loses the least amount of heat on a padded one; while if it's on a plastic one, it loses its heat most efficiently.

An awkward, self-serving solution is to stay in bed until your husband or lover goes first; then get up while the seat is sort of warmish. And encourage him to have a seated #1.

But the best solution is to go with a soft padded one. It has the advantage in that it is also more comfortable. This is a boon especially for people who have a magazine rack in the bathroom! For the changes of the season, a fussy person might replace the padded one with a wooden or plastic one for the later spring, summer, and some of the fall.

Here's also another tip: If you have a plastic horseshoe-type (open front)  toilet seat, and want to pad it, try this tip from Buzzfeed:

You may have to knit a cover for your doughnut-type  (closed front) toilet seat; and that would be a killer conversation piece if you do your knitting while flying or during a meeting! Who knows, there may be how-to-do-it instructions somewhere!

The Lumberjack

Once upon a time, a very strong lumberjack asked for a job chopping trees and he got it. The pay was really good and so were the work conditions and benefits. For those reasons, this woodcutter was determined to do his best.

His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where he supposed to work.

The first day, the lumberjack brought 18 trees.

“Congratulations,” the boss said. “Go on that way!”

Very motivated by the boss words, the lumberjack tried harder the next day, but he could only bring 15 trees.

The third day he tried even harder, but he could only bring 10 trees. Day after day he was bringing still fewer trees.

“I must be losing my strength”, the lumberjack thought. He went to the boss and apologized, saying that he could not understand what was going on.

“When was the last time you sharpened your axe?” the boss asked.

“Sharpen? I had no time to sharpen my axe. I have been very busy trying to cut trees…”