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Heather and I, strangers to western North Carolina, were merrily proceeding in an easterly direction when police lights appeared in our rear-view mirror and we heard a siren.
Heather said, "Oh oh, he got me speeding! [Expletives sadly deleted!]"
So, after we stopped and were approached by the minion of Law and Order, she turned on her charm, and hyperaccentuated her Southern accent. The sheriff's deputy seemed to be mollified by such a charming lady, and was about to let us off with a just warning, but then he noticed resting on the back seat the two six-packs of really good beer we had purchased in Asheville before we left.
Our deputy said, rather apologetically, "I'm sorry, Misses, but I'll have to cite you both for V.P.L. offenses!"
A V.P.L. offense? Now what was that? Being strangers from states used to alcohol, we had not been informed as to the phenomenon of dry counties, where you cannot possess alcoholic beverages, and he had us dead to rights. A V.P.L. offense refers to "Violation of Prohibition Law."
But we got off, because in our naiviety, one of us said, "That's impossible, officer. I'm wearing a thong."
The officer walked away, quite amused. As a matter of fact, he was laughing! It was a while before we learned that we were not about to be cited for a fashion misdemeanor!
We're both blondes.
Yeah, peeps, fairies exist; and you better do your "I believe in fairies" or more is going to come down beside Tinker Bell dying. I never could stand her back in Fairy School anyway. She had too much of a 'tude, like, you know?
Oh, you didn't know? We have a school. It looks like any nondescript girls' academy, except we really earn our wings there, y'know? Anyway, we wear those long gray skirts, white blouses, and dorky two-toned saddle oxfords. We spend our time studying Fairy Science and other good things. Occasionally a parent comes to enroll her daughter, and we get a new recruit that way. You better believe it! What normal girl is going to blow the whistle on the place when she gets to learn the neat fairy stuff which doesn't include algebra; and spend the afternoons watching Tom Cruise movies?
Ultimately, the graduates get their Fairy Licenses, and are assigned to be a particular type of fairy. Simple enough?
Back to my story. It seemed that one fairy was assigned to be a Cherry Blossom Fairy. Now, the Cherry Blossom Fairies have the task of mixing and serving the spring fever potion to mortals, so that they would drowse away the spring. Alas, one of them was remiss. She was called into the Chief Executive Fairy Office:
"Sakura-chan, you have been derelict in your mixing of the sleeping potion that brings drowsiness to humans. Unfortunately, they are now too active for their own good. Also, instead of wearing a flowered kimono, you run around in a bathrobe with your hair in curlers. You are not complying with the dress code for Cherry Blossom Fairies."
"Yes, Ma'am." I am sorry. But I was mixing the potion, only I tried a taste to see if it was nicely flavored. I became drowsy, myself. I guess I overdid it."
"Idiot. Never, never, never self-test the potions. It's obvious that you should be reassigned. Let's see, we have an opening for a Tooth Fairy because one of them was discovered to be an embezzler who spent the money she siphoned off at a casino on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. No, that's not for you. No math proficiency. Hmmmm . . . . Could you manage to be a Sock Fairy?"
"Yes, Ma'am. I'll try."
Four months later, Sakura was again summoned into the CEO Fairy's office and this exchange occurred:
"Sakura, your performance as a Sock Fairy was extraordinary. While we do encourage a small degree of fairy creativity, the primary task of Sock Fairies is to cause single socks or stockings or anklets to become missing. Changing colors is not an option. Your changing all of the Enron executives' socks to bright orange was beyond the pale and generated more unnecessary publicity. Besides, some of them are members of the same business club as I belong. I will have to do some major fence-mending."
"Oh, [fairy expletive deleted]!
"You will need to be reassigned. Let's see: Rain Fairy . . . . too much chance for things to go wrong there. Panty Fairy . . . . I won't even comprehend what damage you might do there. Apple Blossom Fairy . . . . we need one. Your task will be to ensure that the wine will turn to vinegar if it's been aged too long."
But Sakura went on the job as one of the Apple Blossom Fairies. She loved the costume, and the interactions with the unsuspecting humans. One day she tried the wine that pleased the humans. And she became an expert wine fairy, especially relishing a fine pinot grigio or a médoc or a merlot. You might say that she became a Party Girl with wings. That year, and the next, the wine kept, and great hilarity ensued. Life was good for the humans, other than the minor inconvenience of the vinegar shortage..
Finally, the CEO Fairy discovered Sakura was drinking on the job instead of making the wine into vinegar. She recalled her, and gave her one last chance.
That's how Sakura came to be the Fruit Cake Fairy.
Let's be honest. Weddings are a chick/woman thing. After all, it calls for new clothing, ceremony, being the center of attention, and global participation by many interested females. Besides, it gives something for us to talk about! Ahhh . . . . the shadowy mists of silence are dispelled.
But, there are two major Platonic categories of weddings: (a) The Perfect Wedding, to be conducted in a candle-lit church. The bride is decked out in virginal white, with demure veil and is escorted down the aisle by her impeccably-dressed father to her impeccably tux-dressed fiancé and to a priest or minister who is completely sober and capable of performing his/her office with sincerity and aplomb. The ceremony is beautiful and meaningful: and is performed without a hitch. Everyone behaves well afterwards, even mothers and mothers-in-laws; and the mild shedding of tears are those of joy. Smutty thoughts do not enter anyone's mind, must less be blurted out at the reception afterward (where champagne is politely drunk). This is the bride's apotheosis: it calls for perfection!
However, we must also recognize that many people have a place in their hearts and memories for the (b) Tacky Wedding. After all, what is this passion for the Wedding Chapels, being married by singing Elvises as ministers, and in such unromantic places as Las Vegas? This kind of wedding almost requires raucous bachelor or bachelorette parties, complete with coarse entertainment and presents. It should desirably begin with mutual intoxication on the part of the couple in question, coupled with a trip to a state that requires no blood test or waiting period. Naturally, alcohol must be copiously consumed by all; and how many cousins or aunts or uncles get rendered hors de combat makes for part of the legend. Someone should object to the nuptials vociferously, and this should lead to a general brawl that eventually makes an appearance on Cops. In short, it should give the family and friends something to talk about forever.
It's even better if the bride or groom pulls the plug on it after 55 hours!
Therefore, I propose the following: the State of Louisiana shall issue, upon a woman attaining the age of eighteen, two coupons: one for a perfect wedding, and one for a tacky wedding. These may be used by her at any time in her life. Her choice would dictate the setting and decorum of all in attendance. For example, if she played the Perfect Wedding one, everybody would have to behave well, even teenaged nephews dragooned into wearing tuxedoes. (And said person is furthermore forbidden to call it a monkey suit under pain of being forever banished from polite or even impolite female company.)
Louisiana did break ground years ago with its introduction of the Covenant Marriage. Now all we need is to get the Catholic and Baptist Churches to sign off on this two wedding idea . . . .
In the unending quest for women to find appropriate matches while still in their 20's, several new weapons in the arsenal of allure have emerged: (a) enhanced cleavage through the use of implants or inserts, and (b) chemical attractants such as pheromones. However, the relative merits of these possible assets have not been conclusively demonstrated at the present time. Three of us, all in our twenties, tried a classical experimental design approach to test the relative merits of these, uh, presentation enhancers.
In the past thirty years, the "dating" or "hooking up" opportunities have expanded, with such possibilities as singles' bars, singles' encounters, and speed-dating. Speed dating seemed to constitute an interesting and appropriate setting to test the merits of these enhancements since it had the desirable traits of high numbers, speed, and safety. Also, it was implied to be glamorous on programs like Sex and the City and therefore we know that it is so.
The way that speed dating works is quite simple. You're one of a group of singles who gather in the setting for the brief encounters. You wear a nametag with your first name (first name and initial if there are more than one with your first name), a scorecard and your sparkling personality or something that passes for it. Couples are paired up to begin their first 'date' -- lasting five minutes. They are allowed to discuss anything, except their careers, or where the live.
Following those five minutes of interaction, a bell is rung, and the guys move on to meet their next date. This goes on for a total of 12 five-minute pariings.
After each 'date,' you mark whether they would desire that person again. If both wish to do so, the speed-dating organizers provide each with the other persons phone number.
Each of us participated in eight separate speed dating encounters entailing 12 five-minute encounters; on each occasion we did so under each possible combination of cleavage enhancement (C+ or C-) and phromone usage (P+ or P-) occurring twice; thus, a classical experimental design was employed. The inserts that we used increased each participant by one size. (I refrain from any further details.) After bathing with unscented soap, each user applied either the unscented pheromone or an unscented witch hazel lightly to her neck and face. Knowledge of whether the pheromone or the witch hazel was used was not known at the time of use, due to the bottles being neutrally labeled and identifiable only by a fourth party (a co-conspirator?). Obviously, the cleavage enhancement condition could not be done "blind" in this experimental design! We deliberately kept it modest, by limiting the enhancement to only one cup size and not wearing nipple enhancers (are you sure you want to know about them?). Each of us pledged to act friendly and receptive when encountering male participants, but not to initiate any further encounter on our own. We agreed to, and followed the rules of the speed dating encounters, and met several (12) participants during each session. At the end, each participant received feedback as to whether the male participants desired further encounters.
The following results were observed:
Participant...........C+P+........ C+P-........C-P+........ C-P-
A......................... 14...........12.......... 10............. 7
B......................... 16...........13...........12............. 8
C......................... 12.......... 10.......... 11............. 6
D......................... 13.......... 10...........12............. 7
Total................... 55........... 45........... 45............ 28
The evidence suggests that both enhancing one's cleavage and wearing a pheromone enhances one's attraction value, as opposed to cleavage enhancement alone or pheromone usage alone. Doing either of those is more effective than doing neither. More specifically, using the pheromones and the inserts effectively doubled one's chances of being selected! Since the sample both of female participants wearing the enhancers and the pheromones was small, and the number of male respondents was likewise, it is premature to make any solid conclusions at this time. However, it tenatively seems that a safe strategy is to do both, if possible. (Some of the guys were really cute.)
A possible additional limitation to generalization of results is that they are based on a particular southern urban subset of males, and ones who might participate in innovations such as "speed dating." Further research is needed to determine whether these wiles are effective with other males.
We plan to explore funding for future research through either a NSF or a NEA grant.
The theoretical models of boy friend selection merit some discussion and analysis. It seems to me that this would be very profitable in the appropriate selection of such useful companions, and to reduce the likelihood of any understandings later on. It is my feeling that women implicitly operate on the selection and maintenance process by having adopted one of several models:
One of these is the Good Crystal Selection Model. This model views boyfriends as selected usually with care, and maintained over long units of time. Doing this is labor-intensive in the selection process, and it has problems in that you cannot factor in depreciation or maintenance costs when this one is used. Also, the use of this model does not seem to be effective for those under age 25 or so.
Of course, you might have adopted the Unfortunate Wedding Gift Model. This model also assumes long-term or permanent status, but without the value and appeal of the Good Crystal Selection Model. In this case, you feel that are stuck with him and make the best of it. In a word, strenuously resist any aunt who wants to set you up with a "fine son of her friend."
There is something to be said for the Faucet Water Filter Model. When this one is adopted, you assume that he will be your boy friend for a limited, specified amount of time (say three months), and will then be replaced with a new one. I am told that this is commonly done by Hollywood actresses and pop music singers. As the song goes, "We'll sing in the sunshine." However, maybe those selected for a year or longer should come with a warranty.
Recent news has suggested that a Individualized Module Selection Model that is in the process of being developed by Microsoft may become available in a few years. This one allows you to have built in the specific features you want. On the face of it, it promises some big advantages. Let's see, you can get one who is sensitive, cultured, athletic, good-looking, loves animals, thinks you're wonderful, etc., etc. It will be at least a decade before this will be available, and it will likely have problems in initial costs, particularly for Version 1.0. Some additional things to be concerned with is that the program may tend to crash inopportunely and that the features likely to be offered are likely to be desired primarily by a Pacific Northwest clientele.
I propose, however, the Bra Model of boyfriend selection. Consider this: we have quite a bit more than one bra, why not have more than one boyfriend? Having three or four might be advantageous. Now, there's lots of ways that this could be implemented. One way is with each one having his own day, selected by lot. If this is done, then you have a boyfriend for Monday, another for Tuesday, etc. My needs are modest: I could be satisfied with four different ones, to be used in strict rotation (with a relief pitcher to come in from time to time when needed.) After all, I need some time en famille and to keep up with my studies.
Alternatively, you could have appropriate boyfriends to fit your moods. Now, again the lingerie metaphor is applicable here. In the old days, there were only two basic colors: white and black. These colors have their counterparts with the "good-boy" (white) -- "bad boy" (black) dichotomy. This was good in the old days: you have one to misbehave with, and one to show up with on Sundays at Maw-maw's. However, today, there are a variety of bra colors and types to fit your mood and clothing as well as your figure. On some days, cranberry is called for, and sometimes bamboo! Why not have boyfriends likewise? You could coordinate them to go with your lingerie moods. Or you could have different ones for different activities. Let's see . . . . you could have one for hanging out with in coffee houses, one to go to the races with, one who likes to dance, one who likes to fish, one to go to "show up and look formidable" occasions, one who likes chick flicks . . .
Oh, wait, I need to think on that one a while. Do I really want one who likes chick flicks?
I wonder if there's a relationship between how old you are and how much authority you can bring to bear. Some have it, and others don't Gravitas is what I don't have. Darn. I don't carry any weight. Nobody takes me seriously. Frankly, I'm a soufflé! Maybe it's age-related. Seriously, how old does a person have to be before people automatically take you seriously? Is it 30? Or 40? Are blondes less likely to be taken seriously? When was the last time you heard a brunette joke? Does dress confer a quality of being taken seriously? Maybe so. My Dad looks so much more with it, in charge when he puts on his officer's uniform for drills. Maybe men just look cool in uniform. Well, I will admit, being dressed in a halter and torn jeans doesn't help. [I don't do that now at school.] And no one looks capable when they wear a sombrero! Gravitas comes from the Latin, and it refers a quality of substance or depth of personality. The ancient Romans expected men to possess gravitas in the form of being serious, dignified, and duty-oriented. The others were justitia (justice), dignitas (dignity), and pietas (piety). Although they lived in a sexist society, a Roman matron could possess gravitas and really be taken seriously. Vestal Virgins were expected to have this gravitas in spades. Hey, that's what I can do. Is there any need for Vestal Virgins in North Carolina? And is there any possibility of obtaining retro status? Are they still serious about that 'bury 'em alive for misbehavior' thing? And, lastly, what is the salary and fringe benefits and is it a recession-proof job?
There's no way I can get this gravitas at Wal-Mart, is there?
Dr. Alan Hirsch, director of the Smell and Taste Treatment Research Foundation in Chicago, reported back in 2005 that a study showed that women wearing the scent of pink grapefruit were perceived by men to be six years younger than their age. He tried several types of scents on male and female middle-aged models: broccoli, pumpkin pie, pink grapefruit, banana, cucumbers and spearmint leaves, and invited individuals of the same and the opposite sex to smell said subjects and subsequently estimate how old they were.
Hirsch, who is described as a board-certified neurologist and psychiatrist, reported that men tended to report middle-aged women wearing an essence of pink grapefruit were perceived as being, on an average, six years younger than their actual ages. The odor of spearamint leaves, bananas, broccoli, or cumumbers had no effect on men's perception of a woman's age. Furthermore, a woman's perception of a man's age, or of their perception of the age of another woman, was unaffected by any of these possible scents. The researcher could not account for why grapefruit's scent has such an effect on men, but noted that perfumes don't have the same effect as grapefruit. Without any empirical gounds, Hirsch speculated that "Maybe it induced men to become sexually aroused" Other individuals suggested that the smell of pink grapefruit made people happy, and may have affected indirectly their age perceptual processes. Very clearly, these are mere speculations that can be resolved by subsequent research. [In short, this is a little bit of shooting from the hip in explaining things.]
Hirsch is also commercially marketing a product of this type called Timeless View Youth Perception Spray, and advises "Use it before work, a big date or a night on the town." In short, when you might want to appear younger. I can see there might be a market for this with some cougars. I have a personal anecdote: once, instead of using my usual scent, I misted my self with a pear room spray before going out with friends. This was strictly on a whim that I adopted essence de poire. Though I am an adult, I was carded repeatedly, despite my mature dress, style, and people I was with. One the doorman of one place accused me of having a fake driver's license!
