Political Overreactions in the News

Somewhat against my better judgment, I'm going political again.

Two things come to mind: the report by psychologists that people are complaining of symptoms of "Trump anxiety." Now anxiety, or angst, refers to feelings about unease about some aspect of life, that might be a perceived threat. For example, I'm not very keen about bungee jumping. Does that merit me a label of "anxiety disorder" from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual? Nope. I think that the same applies to these people. All that the psychologists are implying is that Donald Trump is a source of unease for these patients who cannot predict what the near election and its aftermath will bring. They may well be grasping reality very well.

So chill, you all. There's not a likelihood of Trump anxiety disorder appearing in Diagnostic and Statistical Manual VI. Any more than earlier Diagnostic and Statistical Manuals needed Y2K Anxiety Disorder.

A closely related example is that Google reported a big uptick in web searches for living in Canada or obtaining Canadian citizenship. This supposedly indicates a panic reaction to the post-election political and social climate.

Actually, some people might have emigrated to Canada to avoid the draft in the 10's; but relatively few.

Back in the 1860's and 1870's about 20,000 former Confederates migrated to Brazil, leading to an ethnic group around Sao Paulo referred to as the Confederados. At the time, the South's economy was gone, the infrastructure was in the toilet, and there was widespread starvation. Not to mention armed straggling goons from both sides roaming about the landscape. But I don't see large numbers of people being so disaffected now as to migrate like they did in 1865. After all, they would have to substitute hockey or soccer for football in their passions. That would be a real test for fans, especially if the Buckeyes or Tigers or Crimson Tide were in the bowls!

Dee-Doh and I Take in a Strip Show

Dee-Doh and I had a long-standing friendship that went back to our childhood days.

Anyway, sometimes when we were in the university, we would do things together.  On one evening we decided to push the limits to some degree: we would go together to see a fashion show; and then later, view a strip show.  Upfront disclosure: neither of us saw either type of performance, so you can say that we were both virgins.

Anyway, in the accepted New Orleans custom, we summoned up a little Dutch courage by first getting some Ramos Gin Fizzes, New Orleans's official girlie drink.

Then we did the fashion show.  We both liked it. We both wondered why the models looked so glum. Did someone shoot their dogs?

On the way to Bourbon Street, we met some friends from the university.  It turned out that they were hanging out there too, and we all took in a show together.

Anyway, the emcee asked if any from the audience wanted to audition; and one of our friends hopped on stage and did a partial strip, down to her undies.  Another one from our group matched her on the dare. 

Then it was, "Come on, Angel!  Come on Angel!  Show your stuff!"  It was peer pressure time, and I was never good at resisting that.

And, under duress, I stood up and unbuttoned a button. Then another. I really didn't want to do it, but . . . .

Dee-Doh immediately pulled me down and told me in his no-nonsense voice, "Stop!"

Thank God!  Sometimes guy pals look after their girl pals and provide excuses for their not doing regretful things. He deserved an affectionate thanks later on.

A Statute of Limitations on Being a Couyon*

First off, a couyon* is a real dumb ass in Cajun talk. Actually, it's a big stronger than that. Don't use that word in polite society in Lafayette!

One of the hazards about finding out details about people is that sometimes I find much occasion to revise my opinion.  No, not The Donald: I always thought he was an unsufferable bully and blowhard with the tact of a Tasmanian devil.  Likewise for Hillary.  She has the credibility of Brian Williams.

I recently read about the young Bernie Sanders.  Apparently, when he went off to Vermont in the 1960's to find his simple life** and be a revolutionary, he was just a guy who would have utterly turn me off with pat answers and overheated rhetoric had I been around back then.  I suppose some people could blame it on youthful indiscretion: but he was older then than I am now. Still, he seems to be making sense.

But maybe I'm being totally with a stick up you-know-where.  After all, people can change, and sometimes for the better.  (Being a Senator is always an iffy sign that someone has changed for the better.)  Anyway, it's the all-American way of politics: to dig up dirt about candidates you're opposed to that might embarrass them a bit. Yes, term papers that they wrote, pictures of them in poor choices of swimsuits, indiscreet utterances, having tried weed but not inhaling. 

That was Bernie a long time ago. Time does soften things a mite. So does a simple "I changed my mind." But there is no excuse for the conduct in the exchange between Marco Rubio and Donald Trump last Thursday night. The country was forced to contemplate Mr. Trump's penis! What next? Flaunting it on nationwide television? America clicks the "off" button.  My guess is that practically all people have some embarrassing items in their history that they would not want to be disclosed; but that was right now and can't be dismissed as old time showboating! Both have dropped to the lowest denominator.

Maybe we should take a page from Minnesotans, who several years ago elected a former wrestler nicknamed Jesse "The Body" Ventura their Governor!  Also, some citizens in Tennessee elected a former Hooters girl to the state legislature; and Louisiana elected Edwin Edwards Governor after he assessed his chances of being elected Governor "The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy."

He won.  And his immortal quote was resurrected from time to time in editorial cartoons. However, in the time before that election, he was running against David Duke. That prompted this immortal bumper sticker:

Maybe the electoral amnesia or statute of limitations should apply to Presidential politics nowadays.  Otherwise, we're going to have a hard time looking for a few good candidates. But give them a reasonable period before it applies; we don't want carte blanche for getting away with present-day idiocies. After all, Edwin Edwards was elected against his rival, David Duke; opposing a Klan leader should count for something!

*Pronounced "koo-yawn."
**Like Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie found in Arkansas.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot and Polite Scatology

The Tina Fey movie which opened last week uses a bit of polite scatology for the title: In the phonetic alphabet it stands for "what the fuck" which is an expression indicating total surprise. Actually, some other militarily-derived polite scatological expressions have crept into everyday usage. There's B.S., and you can figure that one out.

Actually, L.S.U. awarded me a B.S. degree too. Or maybe there's a connection. Psych majors get no respect.

Anyway, here's the military phonetic alphabet:

A - Alpha                    N - November
B - Bravo                    O - Oscar
C - Charlie                  P - Papa
D - Dog                       Q - Quebec
E - Easy                      R - Romeo
F - Foxtrot                 S - Sierra
G - Golf                      T - Tango
H - Hotel                    U - Uniform
I - Iota                        V - Victor
J - Juliet                    W - Whiskey
K - Kilo                       X  - X-ray
L - Lima                      Y - Yankee
M - Mike                      Z - Zulu                

Just to confuse people, you can use phonetic letters for other terms besides scatological ones. How about Hotel Charlie for "holy cow."

We could politely express old Army acronyms: Sierra November Alpha Foxtrot Uniform
Foxtrot Uniform Bravo Alpha Romeo, etc. Anyway, those acronyms were themselves ways of somewhat politely engaging in scatology. And, likewise, some new slang:

Do you have a place in your heart for Sierra Lima Uniform Tango? At least this might help further correct spelling.

The Tao of Dudeism

Let's stipulate that philosophy has painted itself into a corner, between the early 20th Century Pragmatism and the theories of Ludwig Wittgenstein. Basically, a discipline that nominally loves knowledge seemed to run out of steam with apparently all of the questions reduced to language.

However, a new viewpoint called Dudeism has insidiously crept onto the stage and, paradoxically, gave a new tonic to this Love of Knowledge. What is Dudeism? It incorporates the basic tenet that life is short and complicated and no one knows what to do about it. So screw it: just don't do anything. Stop worrying about where you're going, and what you will do when you get there. Relax. Have a beer. Bowl a few games.

Sometimes you make that strike or spare. Sometimes you get a 7-10 split. Sometimes your ball goes down the lane, and sometimes you bowl a gutter ball. Have another beer; and don't worry overly much about looking unfashionable in bowling shoes.

Be true to yourself and others. Abide. Go with the flow. Don't give into societal or aggressive tendencies.

Of course, the modern-day prophet of Dudeism is Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski. Historically, great dudes include Lao-zi, Epicurus, Heraclitus, Buddha, Jesus Christ, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Mark Twain. The symbol for Dudeism is the Taoist symbol plus the three holes in a bowling ball.

Some people have even adopted Dudeism as a religion; and you can get certified as a minister In The Church of the Latter Day Dude.

Anyway, Dudeists celebrate the Day of the Dude on March 6th, it's their high holy day.

Wiggle Room in Politics

If politics is the art of the possible, then this is best learned on the job by office-seekers on the local level. Right now we're in our Perpetual Presidential Primary Season; and several candidates have nary a lick of experience in government and making the possible really possible.

To do this, you have to go with a heap of give and take; as Billy Bob learned by dealing with citizens and customers in Possum Trot, MS. His compromising with the churches on the bikini barista question vaulted him into someone that people talked about him for the Town Commission after a spell, and he was elected. The key to it all is to let everyone think that they've gotten something on the deal that they can go home and show what they've gotten.

It's kind of like participation trophies for little kids. Not everyone can be Number One; but getting a little something to show the Maw-Maws and Paw-Paws and that you can put on your shelf is a really big deal.

Anyway, Billy Bob became a Commissioner and got to attend the meetings. Now it happened that the big, burning issue was whether to make Possum Trot wet or keep it dry. A devilish pairing of the local fundamentalist ministers and the bootleggers were in favor of keeping it dry; and a group of prospective alcohol vendors, Shop Local, and lazy people not inclined to drive to the nearest wet county provided the backbone of the Wets. Now the item on the agenda regarding alcohol was phrased in terms of a "keep Possum Trot dry" versus "let Possum Trot go wet." Billy Bob saw this as a choice that, no matter how it was decided, was not going to end well but would raise too many peoples' hackles a more than a mite. Sort of like proposing a leash laws for dogs.

Billy Bob privately met with the ministers and asked if they would accept half a loaf. Well, that seemed to catch hold with  them, so they asked, "How?"

Billy Bob said, "Well, would you go with a toned-down measure that allowed for beer and wine if we continued to keep out the hard stuff?"

Well, the ministers were less against this; but wanted a guarantee. If they went along with this halfway measure, would it mean liquor would still stay out?

"Billy Bob said, "We won't have legal, town-sanctioned liquor, at least." A second rule of politics should be not to promise more than you can deliver.

So they gave tacit support to the watered down measure, which the Drys also went for. The Wets, surprisingly enough, went along with this compromise.

It seems that people with a grain of sense would realize that they couldn't have it all. I wish the Republicans and Democrats would see it that way on the national level.

On Election Day, wide-awake venti-sized bikini barista Ellie May cast the first vote.  The compromise won by a close shave.

I'm more confident in the judgment of a bikini barista with a few stiff doses of caffeine than the candidates running for national office.

Jokes About Sex

1.  An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.  Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

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2.  A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. 

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" 

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife .  and I were shopping together.  She was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, we both were so overcome with lust and could not resist temptation."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. 

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

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3.  Three men were in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said, "I died in a car accident." The second man said, "I died by drowning." The third man said, "I died of seenus." The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?" The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!"

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4.  Mr. Wilson wanted to have sex with a woman in his office. But she was married to someone else... One day, Mr. Wilson got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." 

But the woman said, "NO." 

Mr. Wilson said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." 

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." 

So she agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by, and the boyfriend waited for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend called her and asked what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

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5.  The parents of an inquisitive eight year old wanted to have an afternoon for some shared intimacies, but their daughter Sara was always present and very impressionable, so they didn't want her to know what they were up to.  Finally, they thought of a solution: they would pay her to spend an hour on the porch.

So the mother asked Sara, "Would you like to play the game of news reporter?"  Sara seemed interested.  "Here's what you do:  Just sit on a chair on the porch with Bun-Bun overlooking the neighborhood, and write down everything that went on.  And I'll give you $5 afterward.

Sara liked that idea, and took her place on the porch.  And the parents took theirs in their bedroom.  All seemed to go well, and Sara's parents gave her the $5 bill and asked her what was going on.

Sara said, "Mrs. Bourgeois backed her car into a garbage can.  Two dogs had a serious dogfight.  A police car went down the street with the siren on.  Billy came by to see Heather again.  And the Thomases had sex this afternoon.

Sara's parents were was shocked, and curious.  "How do you know THAT?"

Sara answered, "Oh, they made their daughter Rose sit out on her porch too."