Wednesday, October 18, 2017

The Sex and Marriage Talk

One of the hazards of encountering organized religion when being a teen is having to experience the Mandatory Sex and Marriage Talk.  Now, first of all, this is always delivered to a single sex audience: either all boys or all girls, since parents are often remiss in this duty, according to educational authorities.

The dramatis personae for this painful entertainment can be:

a)  A priest or nun, for Catholics; a hip minister for Protestants;
b)  A doctor;
c)  A not-so-hip married couple.

Obviously, the slant is going to be in the direction of "don't do it until you're married, and only to him/her, and not too often, otherwise he will get ideas."  Never mind the hormones . . . .

Catholic teens are supposed to get the message that the only acceptable form of birth control is the rhythm method, but most priests have long ago accepted the idea that not all God's children got rhythm.  And there's the prohibitive cost and maternal wear and tear from having too many bambinos!  

Anyway, these sessions almost always have to include time for some anonymously written questions:

1.  How many times per week do married couples, you know, do it?

2.  After a heavy makeout session, my boyfriend complains that his testicles hurt.  Is there anything I can do to help?

3.  Is it a sin to go commando if you're not in the British Army?

4.  What is a reasonable amount of submitting to your husband?

5.  Do husbands have to submit to their wives also?

6.  How do you resolve differences over disciplining your children?

7.  (For priests)  Do you think that Kim Kardashian is hot?

8.  (For the doctor)  Is there any physical harm from getting good vibrations?

9.  How do I get my girlfriend to stop nagging me?

10.  How do I tell my boyfriend to shower more often?

Not surprisingly, the doctor tends to give the most matter-of-fact information.

The members of the audience can include a number of snarky girls.  I suppose guys refrain from snarkiness and are totally polite.


John Hill said...

Thanks for the grins this morning.
It's been a few decades, but it doesn't appear the questions have changed much!

Deena said...

Teens know when adults spout the approved party lines.

Mike said...

Every once in awhile girls would let their guard down and talk about their locker room talk. Seems that they compare statistics about their boyfriends packages. Is this still true?

Cloudia said...

good slice of life survey of the topic!

Jono said...

What could priests and nuns possibly know about sex?

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

The clergy's response to sex is 'dont do it.'

Bilbo said...

Long, long, ago, as an impressionable young boy attending St Teresa's School, I attended one of these sex and marriage talks. I remember that there was much explanation of the role of sperm and egg in causing pregnancy, but no explanation whatever of how the sperm and the egg got together in the first place. Catholic schools were like that, and I assume they still are.

MarkD60 said...

I don't think I ever had that talk Babies are made when a woman touches a dirty doorknob right? That's why men are supposed to open the door for ladies..

eViL pOp TaRt said...


roth phallyka said...

it doesn't appear the questions have changed much!