Friday, April 17, 2015

Feline Bootlegging

Apartment owners with their talented legal help have managed to come up with an amazing number of restrictions built into leases that discourage certain objects or creatures from the rented apartment. One of the most common of which is felis catus, the house cat.

Now there are other no-nos: no making large nail holes (even to hang that huge ikon of Drew Brees), no loud music, no parties after 12 AM, no pot or pot-bellied pigs, no subletting.* Apparently we are supposed to be content with stuffed animals.

I can affirm that Tarheel willfulness and individualism, not to mention a paranoia against rodents, prompts several students to take in bootleg pets. Now usually cats are furtive and keep a low profile. They simply like to be catered to, have a place to sleep, and some time at night to roam. It's only when the queen is in estrus that there's much kitty ado. The smart cat lady servant may park her at the vet's office when this is going on, for the sake of everybody's sleep.

A successful strategy of bootlegging cats requires some knowledge of the habits of apartment owners: do they make regular checkup visits, and why. (One leaser in Baton Rouge came at odd hours of the evening, hoping to see me in my nightie, or maybe to detect a contraband cat!) However, the great mass of apartment owners in student neighborhoods tend to have a laissez-faire strategy for keeping up with things, including repairs. Therefore, by early October, the renters have settled into a comfortable routine of no Gestapo visits by landlords desirous of sticking them with extra penalties or fees, and the feline population of the apartment building has grown to its fullest extent.

However, the feline bootlegger should follow a few tried-and-true means to slip under the radar. (1) No cat litter boxes out in the open in the apartment; (2) No cutesy Louis Wain prints as decorations; (3) Hide your copies of Cat Fancy under other magazines; (4) No Hello Kitty items, even the vibrators. Ooops, especially any Hello Kitty vibrators! [There is such a thing.]

Naturally, apartment renters adopt a conspiracy of silence: no one knows anything about weed, wild parties, or contraband critters! It helps if you're a good ole boy or girl and not standoffish. Go along and get along.

Or you can go the semiferal cat friend route: kitty sleeps and is fed, and is allowed inside on a now-and-then basis. But, that's no fun! And any underage drinking college student is not going to take leaser's rules too carefully. Who knows; buy the time one's senior year rolls around, one might get a pet llama as an apartment mate!

*There is a Sublette County in Wyoming. II suppose subletting is okay there.


A Louis Wain picture of cats playing musical chairs.

12 comments:

Linda Kay said...

I can see that dogs might be a problem, but cats? They are pretty docile and take little care. But they can smell up a place if not cared for. Is there a line in the lease against cooking meth? Might be something to add.

Bilbo said...

I was going to make a ... uh ... catty pun about Hello Kitty vibrators, but thought better of it.

TexWisGirl said...

all's well until the cat decides it can push aside the window blinds and sit in the window sill...

Cherdo said...

I confess: At one time, I did have a cat in a non-cat apartment. The dang thing wouldn't keep out of the window! As I pulled into my parking spot, I glanced at the three levels of windows and found that about half had a cat in the window. Apparently, it wasn't a big issue to the apartment after all.

Mike said...

Female boots and legs...ummmm um. Wait, what was the post title again?

Cloudia said...

Dongs, now cats. You are a true equality stickler!

A most useful post that rings true as nostalgia to this cat owned scribbler


ALOHA from Honolulu,
ComfortSpiral
=^..^=

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Bubba Cat is an unofficial cat, but he keeps a low profile.

Duckbutt said...

I had a cat while in grad school, and like everyone else ignored rules regarding pets in apartments. Some apt. owners can be real turds.

Chuck Bear said...

It's always renters vs. owners, whether it be parties, pot, or pets.

John Hill said...

All's well that vibrates well!

Dixie@dcrelief said...

That's the sad part. Usually one person isn't responsible enough, which brings on more rules to those who are, and never cause a problem. The end result goes from simple fees, to 'get rid of your pet.'

Grand Crapaud said...

Cats are generally low profile pets in apartments, especially if they roam at night.