Saturday, January 11, 2014

The Sensuous Nebraskan

Meredith Farnsworth, free-lance writer, wanted to do a piece for Cosmo; but needed to refine what the topic was to be about.  Judging from the content of the magazine, the editors tend to favor articles with a mild to moderate degree of lustiness, as in "Forty ways that are guaranteed to turn him on!" that might be read by readers who have no one in question to practice those skills on.  Yes, if the truth be known, for each of those truly sensuous women that are favored by appearance, personality, occupation, and even geography, there are others: 18-year-old virgins whose foray into sensuality is largely within the confines of Cosmopolitan!

Still, reading about sensuality is better than no sensuality at all.

Meredith made a risky logical leap in her creative process:  Many of her potential readers work in humdrum occupations, live in nonexotic settings, and do not have the clothes or occasions to appear as wanton as an article of this type may warrant.  Obviously, wearing a thong at South Beach is okay; but on how many occasions can you wear one on the streets of Montgomery, Alabama?  So, she reasoned: why not choose to write about a sensuous protagonist in an occupation not normally associated with sensuality?  Hmmm....The Sensuous Bureaucrat?  Wielding Governmental power in an authoritative manner:

"Clarice became so intent in studying the document that she felt warm -- and unbuttoned not one, or two, but three buttons on her blouse, sighing longingly while indistreetly flashing a glimpse of her bra!"  This gambit failed because it strained the imagination too much to conceive of even lobbyists being so turned on by that spectacle.

Or the Sensuous Dental Hygienist?  Sometimes even dirty minds can't handle the truth!

So she tried a different tack.  What is the most unlikely state to be associated with sensuality?  After giving it some thought, Meredith decided that it was probably Nebraska; but Connecticut was close in second place.  By writing about sensuality in such an unlikely place, she thought that readers might take courage to timidly put their toes in the waters of sensuality in other unlikely places as Washington state, South Dakota, or Ohio.

So Meredith jotted down a few ideas on how Nebraskan misses might arouse the libidos of Nebraskan guys:

1.  Comment to your guys that you're impressed with the size of his silo.
2.  When offering him some corn on the cob, tell him that some you gave him the largest one because it reminded you of something about him.
3.  Caress that same ear of corn, murmuring "mmmm-umm."
4.  When on a date, wear Daisy Dukes.
5.  This even applies on cool days, as it provides yourself with an excuse to ask him to massage your legs "to help you get warm."
6.  For an instant turn-on, wear a corn cob hat:

7.  A little buttocks décolletage might help as well.
8.  Eat your steak rare and encourage him to do so as well, saying that it's an aphrodisiac.
9.  Wear scarlet and white lingerie, with sans serif capital Ns on the bra cups.
10.  Offer him a sensuous massage with bacon fat oil, and request that he give you one in return.  All over.
11.  Tell him that Republican gals have needs, too.......
12.  Sing this song to him:

For Nebraska and the scarlet
For Nebraska and the cream,
Tho' they go thru many a battle,
Our colors still are seen.
So in contest and in vict'ry
We will wave them for the team,
And 'twill always stir a Cornhusker,
The old scarlet and the cream.

13.  Tell him that you would even go to Lincoln for a dirty weekend with him.
14.  Especially when your idea of a dirty weekend involves cleaning out the pig sty.
15.  Sweat.  Seeing girls sweat turns Nebraska guys on.
16.  Perfect your hog calling.
17.  Have him tickle you all over with a bit of straw, and return the favor for him.
18.  Feed him prairie oysters to insure his proper performance.
19.  Find a sexy way to pronounce "Omaha."
20.  Think "sexy" and "Omaha" in the same thought.

Kind of hard, isn't it?   


Anonymous said...

The Sensuous Bureaucrat would be even more far-fetched.

Those Eastern Kentuckyians on Justified make backwoods types look mighty randy and sensuous.

Mike said...

18. - I always thought girls would have more fun eating those.

John Hill said...

Ever try any of these on a Nebraskan guy? Some of them would work on most guys.
Just wondering if you're listening from personal experience.

Anemone said...

That ear of corn hat is just so stylish. Even in sophisticated Sitka.

Bilbo said...

I was laughing too hard to get past #1.

Hell Hound said...

#1 was a good one!