Monday, January 27, 2014

Products for Las Niñas

It's obvious that Americans are obsessed with bosoms.  A magazine cover featuring a well-endowed young woman of whatever skin tone or hair color tends to boost sales.  And lads' magazines regularly feature well-endowed women as part of their page count.  What two words affect magazine sales or hits at internet sites?  Wardrobe malfunction.  This expression, probably coined to excuse some skirting of public mores on national television, is another magnet.

And finally, we have the proliferation of breast enhancements, especially in the Beverly Hills area.  As former Governor Schwartzenegger once was supposed to have commented: "I like Thanksgiving.  It's the only time I can see natural breasts."

Because of this National Obsession, certain products emerged, apparently because of these events:

1.  Someone manufactures a supposed need, and plays it up.  This may generate some possible anxiety in the potential customer base.

2.  They also provide a product that reduces this manufactured need.  And imply that using this deals effectively with this problem.

Maybe I'm generating a few cheap titters by mentioning these two products, but here they are.  Two products for women with extra coins who feel that nothing is too good for her niñas.

First there's Boob Glue.  This is to keep the breasts properly in place in the brassiere or bikini top; and at a pleasing angle of perkiness.  It's marketing is based on generating anxiety regarding swimsuit malfunctions or the effects of gravity.

I can make four observations:

1.  Bras should sufficiently corral the bosoms in a way that produces a pleasing appearance, provided you are wearing one of the right size.

2.  If there is a little settling, this would not be sufficient for males to notice, unless they are carrying vernier calipers.

3.  Unintended swimsuit malfunctions are extremely rare, if you wear a swimsuit that is suitable for vigorous activity or you double-tie your strings.  Have you ever seen a swimsuit malfunction with beach volleyball players?  No, because of their swimsuits' construction.

4.  Boob Glue may have some value if you often untie your band in back or neck strap of your swimsuitou are prone toward forgetting.

Then there's Fresh Body, a powder designed to counteract the dreaded sweatiness of breasts, particularly on the ventral surfaces.  Actually, if this is a worry, baby powder should suffice.  And who can complain about babying your girls?  Possibly some Holy Roller or Puritan preacher, who is sermonizing on the perils of narcissism.

There's another possibility: boob sweat can be sexy.  Pheromones, perhaps?  Maybe spandex is not the only attraction at gyms.

And sweat is our body's way of helping cooling itself.  Don't mess with a physiological process lightly.


Brandi said...

I can see a use for Boob Glue, but not for Fresh Body.

Kristen Drittsekkdatter said...

Larger-breasted women do experience the effects of gravity. This glue might help for those who need support.

Mike said...

Talc? Guess what. It's a carcinogen. There's a class action suit going on right now against Johnson and Johnson.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

So what's wrong with sweaty boobs?

Bilbo said...

Don't buy "Boob Glue" ... it's probably just a more-expensive version of the traditional body glue that dancers use to help keep costumes in place. And if you're worried about powders being carcinogenic, do what the pediatrician recommended for our children many years ago, and use cornstarch instead. Of course, if you sweat too much, you could break out in gravy, but that's the risk you take.

Deena said...

That's hilarious, Bilbo!

Surely these products are intended as novelties as jokes.

Duckbutt said...

Those are hilarious products, in my opinion!

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Mike, I didn't know about the possible carcinogenic effects. Thanks for mentioning them.

Bilbo, cornstarch would do nicely. However, you may have happened upon a new twist to the oft-used line in Cajun cooking: "First you make a roux."

MarkD60 said...

Women don't sweat, they prespire.

Cloudia said...