Friday, January 3, 2014

String Bikinis and Slurpees

Okay, if you have the figure for it, you can really look sharp and sexy in a string bikini.  But . . . . there's the necessity of having a ultratrim figure.  This leads to doing certain things that would then allow you to wear one without anxiety.

Usually, it's the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition that gives that "it's past time" warning to those who had gotten overly comfortable during the winter.  The bad news comes in the form of wondering where did those eight extra pounds come from?  And also from the realization that dressing warmly during the winter allowed you to be more casual about your grooming.

Megan, fair of skin and red-headed, decided after some encouragement from her friend Tanya to get herself a string bikini and she found she didn't quite "look neat" when she first donned it.  Here's a dialogue of what happened:

Megan:  "Oh my God, Tanya.  I'm all pale and, well, I am showing all this extra hair!   What do I do?  I can't wear sweatpants to the beach.  Maybe this was not a good idea, after all!!!!

Tanya:  "Okay, no big deal.  Just shave your legs and get a waxing from  the spa.  Okay?  And use lots of sun screen."

So Megan visited the neighborhood spa, but she was still dissatisfied.

Megan:  "No it ain't!  I put on that skimpy ol' little swimsuit and I still had some excess showing.   Seriously, I looked like a Michigan female philosophy major down there!  Now shaving your legs was easily accomplished; but dealing with the extra posed a bit of a problem."

Tanya:  Oh?  How so?

Megan:  "Well, I got a Brazilian like you suggested; but the parlor did more like a Uruguayian.  And poor little ol' me was all yanked out and sore in some areas.  Me, I wish I had gotten a granny bikini instead, or at least an all over shave!  The job, to put it candidly, was not a pretty sight.

Okay, here I am, all sore and all, and I decide to neaten things up by using a depilatory.  At first, all seemed to go well. So I decided to clean up a few areas that were apparently missed real quick with more depilatory cream. Soon I started to get painfully uncomfortable but thought that I would tough it out and just deal with it.  Yeah.  Not a good plan.   My skin is so sensitive, you know.  Very sensitive.

Later that morning my boy friend was driving me to the beach and I thought I was going to die in the car on the way over there.  It was, like, a major eruption; no little ol' hissy fit, you see!  I was screaming and caterwauling to wake the righteous dead, and then some!  I yelled at him to pull the car over to the side of the road!!  When we got out of the car I was in so much pain that I took my swimsuit bottom off right then and there, grabbed a Slurpee from the cup holder, and was baptizing my bottom with a Mango Lemonade Slurpee on the side of the road!"

Tanya:  "Was it a king size Slurpee, or a regular?"  What other kind of dumb question could one ask?

Does degradation come any worse than that?  Sometimes strange things do happen on the Redneck Riviera.


Meredith said...

A real hoot!

We're in a real blast of winter right now. Don't think I need a waxing, if ever.

MarkD60 said...

Where do you come up with this stuff. What is caterwauling? I think it's illegal to have the words "String Bikini" in the title of a blog post without also posting an appropriate picture..

John Hill said...

Hmmm...Mango-lemonade. Interesting flavor. I wonder what it tastes like.

Bilbo said...

"I looked like a Michigan female philosophy major down there." I went to college in the late 60's and early 70's ... trust me, most of the girls looked like that, "down there" as well as "up there." One got used to it.

Mike said...

My first new thing learned for the year. Caterwauling. Around here we always say caterwaulering with a long 'a'. I never knew this was a real word.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Mark -- Should I expect a visit from the Feebs?

John Hill -- It tastes vile!

Bilbo -- The bad old days.

Meredith -- Think of it as a perk of winter.

Mike -- Yes, that's a word. A Southernism, perhaps. But you won't enjoy hearing some caterwauling.

Big Sky Heidi said...

It's a good reminder: getting your hair down there makes for a lot of tenderness. Putting a crème that burns will give the victim the real ouches! As a matter of fact, expect some sore days.

Atomic Dog said...

I prefer the natural look.

Atomic Dog said...

And I agree with Mark: How about posting a pic of you wearing one, Angelique?

The Bastard King of England said...

I am trying to imagine what a Uruguayian bikini wax and a Michigan philosophy major's muff looks like!

Duckbutt said...

A truly hilarious tale!

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

A full Brazilian is a little rough on the Beaver -- Ward Cleaver

Deena said...

Fun and raunchy!