Monday, February 18, 2013

The Dirt Road Sports Make an Appearance

The Southern urban settings are relatively like those of the North: the stolid everyday folk go about their bidness (sic), the bohemians try to be sophisticated with some degree of success, and the underworld is usually polite enough to not make its doings too obvious.

In the mountainous South, however, there is the phenomenon of the dirt road sport.

Now, what's a dirt road sport?  Basically, this is a backwoodsy, misbehaving guy who gets into minor mischief, historically in association with moonshine, but nowadays the possibility of weed or meth usage compounds the problems.  They get into trouble, or engage in minor mischief in the main; but  if riled, they may explode into real violence.  Usually, the experience of a hangover, an unanticipated trip to a hospital E.R., or a few days in jail is enough to keep them okay until okayness is too much for them to bear.  Their neighbors tend to dismiss them as feckless, a no-'count lot.  Let's join two of these.

Billy Bob and his sidekick Bubba show up sporadically in town, and mischief of tomfoolery always followed in some form.

It's, like, 2 A.M., and "BAM!  BAM!"  Shots were heard on the outskirts of Main Street.  It seems that Bubba and Billy Bob each demonstrated their marksmanship by shooting holes in the sign reading "Scroungout, Tenn.  Speed Limit 30 MPH."  Both Bubba and Billy Bob were able to hit the ohs directly in the center.  These two, and other dirt road sports, shoot up a lot of signs that way.

Sheriff Buford came along, and his first take on it was, "Good shooting, boys!"  Law enforcement sometimes uses a light hand when the judges and county officials are not involved.

On another occasion, Bubba had issues with the local Episcopal minister.  As a result, our guys stole some goats and placed them in the vestry.  Sheriff Buford wrote them up for goat rustling, but the local D.A. failed to bring them before the Grand Jury because "this type of true bill would cast our county in a bad light."  He used a similar line of reasoning when our two local miscreants modified the church sign into some suggestive message before the Sunday worship service.  Some members took it as a divine reminder to "go forth and multiply" and went back to bed. 

A dangerous thing to hear from dirt road sports is, "Look at this, Vern," or "What would happen if we put bottle rockets in the dumpster" or some other possibility.

One time Bubba and Billy Bob got dates with strippers; and the four of them passed an agreeable evening drinking moonshine and grapefruit salty dogs while under the town bandstand before the Fourth of July Parade.  They got totally hammered and all were totally out!  They were awoken by fireworks and the martial music of John Philip Sousa, and felt that someone was shooting at them.  During Stars and Stripes Forever, two half-clad good ole boys and two nekkid* strippers burst out like Whack-a-Mole figures shooting into the air!  Needless to say, this was the Fourth of July that no one forgot, even though the county weekly primly avoided any scandalous news that, if aired, would upset the Chamber of Commerce. 

Once they showed some long-range planning.  They seeded the football field of a rival to the high school they attended with grass seed in the form of their former school's initials.  They were careful to use seed that resulted in grass that had a different shade of green so it slightly showed. 

What do the neighboring folk think about these dirt road sports like Bubba and Billy Bob, as well as Cletus and Festus and Jim-Bob?  Well, it varies.  If they are directly affected, they are absolutely fed up with those no-good riff-raff hooligans.  Most of the time, though, their feeling is that they're just good old boys meaning no harm.  The fact is, Scroungeout can be a rather dull place; but Bubba and Billy Bob have boffo entertainment value!

*Lewis Grizzard is credited for the definitive distinction between nude and nekkid:  To be nude is to be unclothed; to be nekkid is to be unclothed and up to something!


Bilbo said...

I can tell you on good authority that Bubba, Billy-Bob, and the rest have cousins up north who engage in similar antics. However, Scroungeout may have us beaten for colorful place names.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

You mean it's wrong to shoot up highway signs? Then what are the O's and 0's for?

Kristen Drittsekkdatter said...

We have them too in Minn. They're called riff-raff.

TexWisGirl said...

lots of these particular kinds around.

Mike said...

Does Bubba still own the General Lee?

Insane Penguin said...

"Good ole boys, meaning no major harm."

Duckbutt said...

I've known a few of them myself. They know how to spot a bootlegger in strange dry counties.