Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Guide to Dating, Beauty, and Oil Change

1. Be always prepared for that all-important meeting. Wear clean clothes, and something that smells good.

2. Keep your quarry in mind, and dress appropriately. Don't wear a Justin Beiber t-shirt if you're shopping for a banker.

3. Use an equipment upgrade if needed. (Most guys don't mind when they find out later that you were stuffing.)
4. Cultivate a sincere interest in a fine sports team like the New Orleans Saints.   Yankee or Red Sox fandom can be very risky; but warthogs find other warthogs attractive.

5. Drink beer, particularly draft beers or full-bodied ales or stouts. This makes you appear to be a fun person.

6. Ditch the heavy intellectualism, unless you're into profs.

7. Don't be into profs, ever.

8. Worship at the V.S. shrine.

9. Think short when it somes to skirts.

10. Shower and wash thy hair.

11. Easy on the makeup and scent.

12. Think bikini for a beach setting, unless the person in question is an inhibited, possessive Star Trek freak.  [A story for some day.]

13. Figure that there's a lot of stuff guys just like, and keep from running it down. This includes sports, cars, hunting or fishing, dogs, hardware, and heavy machinery.

14. If he wants to bowl, it's okay. Really. Dear old Dad does too.

15. Thou shalt not date priests. That is a no-no with the Big Guy.
16. Or ex-priests. Too many hang-ups.
17. Don't date using personal ads. The information in them is the second major source of mendacity in the world, after politicians. (Nobody tells the truth in 'em.)

18. Bars are for going with someone else, not to meet someone new. Unless you're into boozers.

19. Get your oil changed at one of those quick oil change places every 3000 miles. Use a thinner weight oil in the winter.  Or you can put in the oil by opening the 7-10 cap.

20. Check your oil weekly if you have a slight drip like I do. I mean an oil drip.

21. Don't skimp on the battery. Get a big one.

22. Don't turn to open the the radiator cap when the car is warm.

23. If he's married, don't. If you wind up with him, he will stray on you, too. Unless you take him to the vet to keep him from wandering.

24. Have snack foods and beer around the old spread, but not pork rinds.

25. Easy on the scents. Chemical warfare is prohibited by the Geneva Convention.
26. Don't judge a guy by his wheels. Unless it's a Porsche.

27. It's not promising if he takes you to dinner at a place where you have to bus your own table.

28. Keep a count of how often he mentions his mother on the first date: three strikes, he's out.
29. Remember the "More than Two Maxims Rule" -- if he has one Maxim lying around, it's okay; if he has a stack, that can be a problem.

30. Don't propose going to a chick flick; let it be his idea and give him full credit for it.

31. "I like them big and stupid" may work in that oldie song by Julie Brown. But you better re-think that idea.

32. Does he like dogs? Good.

33. Does he have a pit bull in an reinforced steel cage? Not so good.

34. If he knows more about fashion, beauty, and makeup than you do, introduce him to your sister.
35. If he talks about his ex-dog, that's not a good sign.
36. If he gives you an endearing pet name, that's a good sign in the relationship; if he calls you "Porky" or "Bitch," that's not.

37.  Express interest by mild signals as the hair flip.  Licking your lips is too overt.  Unbuttoning the top two buttons of your blouse while making eye contact is trashy.


Big Sky Heidi said...

Thanks for the tips. I won't date priests or profs or bouncers. It's a good rule.

Bilbo said...

I heartily endorse #11 ... all too many ladies seem to marinate in scents rather than use them sparingly, and to apply makeup with a trowel rather than one of those little sponge wedgie things. And I'll bet the story that goes with #12 is a hoot ... so to speak.

The Bastard King of England said...

A comingling of good advice and humor. I like it!

Insane Penguin said...

A bikini is good.

Half of a bikini is better.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Definitely easy on the makeup and scent! No need for chemical warfare.

Mike said...

Short skirts... always.

John Hill said...

#34...or your brother!

TexWisGirl said...

25 and 32 were my faves.

Clarissa said...

Definitely short skirts and bikinis.

Kristen Drittsekkdatter said...

Going for bowling is a little too tolerant, as i see it. What's te 7-10 cap?

Bilbo said...

@ Kristen - open the hood of the car, remove the oil filler cap, and rotate 180 degrees...