Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Boxers or Briefs?

Most guys seem unimaginative in their choice of underwear, as my occasional reconnaisance into the chest of drawers containing intimate drawers revealed.  While an occasional colored or even patterned boxers might be spied, these are not often revealed in that moment of truth after the loosening of the belt.  What a letdown to see your imminent lover in plain briefs or sterile white boxers!  In general guys, if you want to ramp up your love life, then dress like you mean it!  I mean, make an effort!!!

I will admit that some guys do wear colored briefs. While monocolor ones predominate, occasionally some guys purchase patterned ones.  How should one view a guy wearing Spiderman briefs?  Should you regard him as totally and irredeemably immature, as making an ironic statement, as having bought them because they were on sale, or simply as a Spiderman fan?  You should find your own answer on this one.  I would be inclined to regard him as whimsical, and give him a pass.  Other ladies might not see it that way, though.  Basically, wearing superhero underwear is risky unless you are a certified superhero.

Sorry, Fartman and The Whale don't count.  And don't wear a sexy girl's cosplay outfit as underwear.  Most of us are not kinky.

Sports team fan underwear is something that guys should maybe think again about; sometimes it may not further your cause.  Let's take a very hypothetical case.  Suppose a smooth, well-groomed, charming Texan goes to New Orleans, meets a lady there who is smitten by him, and they go to his or her place.  Indeed, they initiate some deeds of passion.  However, at a critical moment, his indelicate secret is revealed in its total shame: he is wearing Dallas Cowboys briefs or boxers!  Now that is a deal-breaker!   And only real douches, and New York Yankee fans, wear NY Yankee underwear.  But I'm repeating myself.  Even if you're a columnist for the New York Times, do not wear New York Yankees underwear!

Let's review the implications of particular patterns on men's underwear:
a.  Dollar signs -- He's a banker; or obsessed with money.
b.  Hearts -- His girlfriend bought them for him for Valentine's Day.
c.  Care Bears -- He's infantilely cuddlesome.
d.  Whales -- He's expansive and a blowhard.
e.  Plaid -- He's either Scottish; or is overly fond of single-malt Scotch.
f.  The BP emblem -- He might have a need for Depends.
g.  Ultrabrief, package-revealing -- He is a narcissist, and is overly impressed with himself.
h.  Holes -- He doesn't like to shop.
i.  Large mammals, like bears or moose -- He is very self-confident and conceited.
j.  Small mammals, like squirrels or rabbits -- He is inhibited and lacking in self-confidence.  Give him a coupon for pity sex with a sorority girl from the Northeast.

I have a pair of recommendations.  The wine-colored boxers illustrated below would make an esthetic showcasing of your package that would surprise and delight women of any age.

Or, alternatively, consider a men's string bikini.  The presence of the string ties on either side gives the wearer a pleasing sense of vulnerability; and it offers a coy invitation to pull some strings to get to know you better!


Clarissa said...

I like your humorous approach to men's underwear, and Ithink that a little colour would help considerably. I have not, however, gone to the point of experiencing buyers's remorse based on what my guy might be wearing under his pants. Yet.

Mike said...

'Most of us are not kinky.'

I think most of us have a little kink in us. It just takes a little experimenting to find out what it is.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Most guys I think would not go in for the string underpants. Going commando an option?

Grand Crapaud said...

Those boxers look pink to me.

Big Sky Heidi said...

I think that getting a guy to wear panties wouyld be cool. That's a test, of sorts.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Elvis, re-think the string.

Heidi, whatever floats your boat.

Mike, hopefully a comfortable level!

Craspaud, I think they do.

Clarissa, I hope that continues!

Bilbo said...

Someday I will tell you the story of the brilliantly, eye-hurtingly red bikini briefs I wore under an equally red union suit ... to a Fasching Party in Germany. I was young and silly once.