Friday, July 6, 2012

The Prophetess Goes to the Races

Father McCready had a problem with a parish member, the Prophetess.  She was so sincere and pious, but often in misdirected fashions.  To solve this problem, he told the Prophetess that she should be involved in the Parish Ladies' Altar Society.  Being an obedient and priest-dominated parishoner, she joined.  Since she was the youngest, prettiest, and newest member of the group and was without any clout whatsoever, she was given the worst task for members of the Altar Society: fund raising for their impecunious parish, St. Cletus.*

It so happened that they embarked on a campaign to raise money for the parish.  Since it was a recessional economy, and the usual questionable sources were dry, The Prophetess consulted her on-street expert, Crazy Chester, who told her there was a fortune in horse racing.  In turn she told the Padre, and they decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. 

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that they decided to buy a donkey instead.  Although the priest really had some doubts, he figured that they might as well enter the animal in a race just in case it booted home and earned a small part of the purse.

It was a neat trick, but The Prophetess was able to charm the stewarts at the Fair Grounds into letting the donkey run the race.  It went off at 60 to 1.

To everyone's surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the headlines read: ST. CLETUS'S ASS SHOWS**.

The Priest and the Prophetess were so pleased: although they did write a polite letter to the sports editor that told him that it was a donkey, not a ass.   Some of the older members of the Altar Society cluck-clucked, but they were pleased with the purse money. 

The Padre and the Prophetess entered the animal in another race, and this time as a 20 to 1 shot it won outright.

The next day the headline read: ST. CLETUS' ASS OUT IN FRONT**
The bishop saw this headline, being a secret reader of the sports pages, and was upset at this sacrilege by those anti-Catholic sports writers.  But he got over it, since one of his lesser minions called St. Cletus's rectory and found out that Crazy Chester, acting on behalf of the Parish, plowed all of the winnings into betting the second race to win!

However, he was not happy a few days later when the donkey ran in a third race and came in second.

True to form, the sports page headline read: ST. CLETUS'S ASS BACK IN PLACE.**

He was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race even though, to mix metaphors, it was an ass laying golden eggs.

The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES** ST. CLETUS'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.

The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

This was too much.  They had to bury the bishop.


As for the ass, he went into show business in Vegas, a place more disreputable than New Orleans.

*St. Cletus was a real saint.  He was the third pope.
**In track terminology, the first three horses to finish are said to win, to place, and to show.  To scratch a horse means to remove it from the program.


Big Sky Heidi said...

A neat tale about a nice ass.

The Bastard King of England said...

The Prophetess is hot! That's why I vote Democratic!

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Your tales about the Prophetess are a total win. She is really good. Would you make her into a book?

Bilbo said...

The way I heard the story, before the priest gave the ass to the nun, he first tried to sell it for what the market would bear, which wasn't all that much ... and the bishop objected to the headline that said "PRIEST PEDDLES CHEAP ASS IN TOWN."

I do like the picture!

Full Cup Balcony said...

Bishop scratches St. Cletus's ass! would be a headline to make reading the sports page a plesure.

Mike said...

So, is that the nun is the picture? I could make a habit out of her.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Mike, nuns do wear shorter habits, but not that sort! Too bad.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Well, the ass won the race, and it wasn't aclaiming race.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

The Prophetess would write in Huey Long just on principle.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Thank you, Elvis.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

We have a tradition of that sort of thing in New Orleans.

Deena said...

Nice story.