Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Family Newsletter

Many families have a chronicler of family news, gossip, and barbs distributed in a tact-free, totally candid and opinionated, and on an irregular basis.  The advent of e-mail only gives them a greater range of mischief and unlimited sharing without massive postal expense.  And, unfortunately, her writing indiscretions are more likely to filter down into younger members, despite parents not sharing.  Here's a sample, pretty much of the type:

Hello, Everybody,

It's been a busy and largely successful year for us in the Sunshine State; and we were able to travel and visit everyone for this year.  Except for Marv, who is unknown on the road and his mother would like for him to call.  So, if you hear from Marv, tell him, "Call home, E.T.!"

Roger is still troubled by his hemorrhoids, although he would not like me to mention it, but that cat's out of the bag and in my opinion, he needs to eat bran flakes each day, whether he likes it or not.  He has gained twelve pounds this year due to unauthorized snacking.  On the plus side, Roger was recently recognized by his employer for 25 years of service. 

Connie is still at Berkeley, where she's in pre-law and it's costing us a fortune!  Matt is trying to find himself still; at least his probation officer has no problem finding him.  We still are hopeful; but he has been a disappointing son thus far. 

I've been doing a lot of organic gardening; it's the trend in Sunny California.  My beets cannot be beat -- ha!  My Seaside Earrings store has increased its sales by 36% over last year.  Healthwise, I get my colon cleaned every six months -- it's trouble and expensive, but it's worth it!

Isn't our current Governor Brown wonderful? 

Visited cousin Marie, her husband, and her five children.  They're still in New Orleans.  Jessica is too serious, I fear.  Heather is boy crazy; Marie had better keep her in line better or get her fitted for a chastity belt!  They really should build a fire under Little Tom; he's just drifting along at LSU Med.  I told her that Big Tom needs to be more of a hands-on parent and not just play doctor. When they married, I warned her that marrying a doctor was not a good bet -- too many distractions.  Haven't they heard about attachment parenting in Louisiana?  They seem to leave a lot to chance, like an untended garden.  I also think that they are closet Republicans.  Their youngest seems to be so timid and stutters.  And she's flat-chested, too.  As I told Marie, her little one could go topless and no one would notice!  If I were them, I'd get that girl some boob implants.

Granny still lives down there.  She doesn't get around as much by herself, and that's a good thing, probably, as she gets lost at times.  Once she drove as far as Baton Rouge and they had to help her drive back home.  She's still and L.S.U. fan.

Speaking of closets, Reese is now living openly with his lover Franklin in San Luis Obispo.  They earned "Yard of the Season" award from Garden Sprouts there.  Their garden and home are lovely; they have dealt admirably with the bursting of the real estate bubble.  I'm so glad they came out and are active in various gay causes.

Ms. Dubinsky next door is seeing a lot of Major (ret.) Benjy, and Mr. D. either doesn't know or doesn't care.  At any rate, she smiles a lot and has a healthier glow than I've seen in years!  Maybe she has a good thing; and Roger should watch out!

Great news!  Odette (my niece) and Richard have a new, bouncing baby boy!  He's Richard, Junior, and is the very apple of his parents' eyes! At four months, he's sleeping through the night and promises to be as smart as Grandfather was!  Odette needs still to lose the extra 25 pounds she took on as ballast.  Maybe Richard should tend the baby so Odette can go to the gym for a crash exercise course, and eat more sensibly!

Claire and Eteinne are doing nicely in Pensacola.  Other than Roseanne being brought home intoxicated by her boyfriend while we were there, they seem to be doing splendidly!  Eteinne managed to become a full partner in the law firm he belongs to, and they spend weekends on the Strand.  Wally is starting the University of West Florida this fall.  I don't know anything about the quality of that institution, but Claire likes to keep close tabs on him.  Needs to be more firm with Roseanne ......

We toured the Naval Air Museum while there.


Hell Hound said...

She sure is hostile and I bet everyone picks up on it. Trollery can occur as a disease even in family members.

Banana Oil said...

Most girls I know were carried home tipsy by guys. It's no big deal.

I didnt know you stuttered at one time.

Anonymous said...

This was a funny satire of those long rambling family newsletters.

Mike said...

This kind of family update is worse when it's delivered in person.

Big Sky Heidi said...

This sort of newsletter is, unfortunately, believeable in some families. The sender crows about her own, while sniping at other members, figuring that she could get away by playing the family card. Crap: she compliments the new mother about having a baby, and mentions that she is now overweight. Lots of women gain while pregnant. And I remember getting remarks from family members about my tits before getting them augmented.

Grand Crapaud said...

This makes my relatives sound pretty innocuous, by comparison.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

I may not know a lot about women, but I know a bitch when I read what she wrote.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts. You get used to this sort of stuff, you know.

Duckbutt said...

People just don't drift along in medical school.

Bilbo said...

On the other hand, the family newsletters can be fun. I write one every year, but I don't send the same letter to everyone ... I write a single "master" letter and then wordsmith it so that each recipient gets a letter that contains only the things he or she is interested in. Of course, I have to do this on the word processor, rather than writing them all by hand ... with the sort of letters I write, it would take forever.