Friday, February 17, 2012

The Laws of Anime

Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.

Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

Law of Mandibular Proportionality 
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
  1.  Be female,
  2.  Will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation,
  3.  and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
1.  Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate.
2.  Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
3.  Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.

First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.

Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.


Grand Crapaud said...

These pretty well explain the anime art form. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

But why do anime figures have those unnatural shades of color in their hair?

Mike said...

Law of geeky coders.
If we can't have real women we'll make some up.

Bilbo said...

The Law of Probable Attire is my favorite, but they're all clever, even Mike's addition. And, no doubt, true. I should probably watch more anime.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Anon, there seems to be no explanation for oddly colored hair, other than whimsy.

Mike, that law should be added. Also, the anime girls are simpler and less trouble for guys living in their parents' basements.

Bilbo, it's worth a dipping into. Who knows, you might develop an ambition to become a pokemon trainer!

Duckbutt said...

Those pretty well explain the techniques of that art form.

Anonymous said...

The Law of Feline Mutation is weird.