Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Adventures of the New Hampshire Scent Police

A recent news item reported that the New Hampshire legislature was considering House Bill 1444, which aims to protect individuals with sensitivities to certain odors from suffering allergic reactions if they are exposed to these smells. Among the possible symptoms include a runny nose, nasal congestion, sneezing and overall altered lung function.  Republican Michele Peckham filed this bill.

Actually, this is not the first time laws have been made mandating a scent-free environment, especially on the Left Coast.  So imagine the logical consequence of this form of legislation: the formation of a State Scent Police or State Perfume Gestapo!
The New Hampshire Scent Police were having a pre-working day cup of coffee and steeling themselves for the rigors and dangers of enforcing the law to make state offices absolutely scent-free.  Never mind that the essence of unwashed New Hampshirites would linger like a miasma, the law is for protection of all of us! 

It was just yesterday that they were summoned to confront a male state worker for having an unapproved odor: it seemed that he used his wife's soap when his Approved Nonscented Soap had been used up.  The sweet smell of jasmine gave him away; a scent that lingered as they dragged him down the hall, both defiant and sobbing from embarassment.  The judge let him off with a fine and being sent to bed without his supper.

And what about yesterday's secretary arrestee?  She was carried away in a patrol car because she failed to wash off her sin; that is My Sin.  That's a cardinal sin in scentfree New Hampshire.  And the specific offense of another was for wearing Beautiful; apparently, it's okay to be beautiful in New Hampshire (unlike Massachuetts), but you cannot smell Beautiful!

A pretty girl is like a poem; but I must remember that, whatever my millihelen measure, I must not wear Poême.  Apparently, a poême d'amore is still acceptable in the Granite State among those flinty Yankees.

All was not ease in arresting malefactors.  They had an arrest thrown out of court when they arrested a janitor for having a distinct cleaning fluid scent.  And, in the summer, whenever the State Office Building's grass is cut, there's a lingering scent of onions in the air.  However, they were instrumental in getting new additions to the State Motor Pool aired out for two weeks before they're pressed into service: none of that new car smell in New Hampshire! 

Actually, our Scent Police Squad as a little on edge today.  They were awaiting a foray into the DMV, a hotbed of olfactory crime.  Reports that the workers there favored such scents as Pas Ce Soir, Mal de Tête, Ich Habe Meinen Zeitraum, Dolor de Cabeza, and Essence des Poissons Morts Depuis Longtemps.  But, as always, they were on the lookout for their archenemy, Mr. Axe.  They wondered as they strapped on their Kevlar vests and put on their gauze face masks, "Shouldn't they ban pre-movie commercials for that product?" 

Teenaged girls and schoolteachers would hope for strict law enforcement in that case!

Contraband in New Hampshire


Duckbutt said...

A great satire, especially with the faux French perfume brands. I like the sly dig on Massachuetts. I wonder if people living in a state whose motto is "Live free or die" will pass such a law.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

This reads like an intrusive, overkill law. Nanny state in action.

Mike said...

There is no happy middle ground on anything these days. It's all or nothing.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

A bit of more news: The NH House of Representatives voted today to sideline HB1444 which would have banned use of perfumes or most other scented personal products by state employees who interface with the public.

Bilbo said...

Well done! I really enjoyed reading this. are the first person I've noted in years who has referenced the "millihelen" as a unit of beauty measurement, which I always thought was a very clever idea.

Svejk said...

This was funny; but it can turn serious quickly.