Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Giving Pizazz to Lieutenant Governors and Vice-Presidents

I don't know if anyone bothered to survey, but I would guess that, which most state residents could name their Governor; but knowing who their Lieutenant Governor is another matter.  And yet that person presides over the State Senate, and can fill in for the elected Governor if that person dies or is somehow impaired or too he pisses off too many people and they impeach him on some pretext.  Yes, he's waiting in the wings; ready and able to fill in when needed.

No, it's kind of like the fate of Vice-Presidents:  Who was Clinton's VP, anyway?  As a matter of fact, who is Obama's?  Some old VP or other said the office was not worth a cup of warm spit, or so his words were probably twisted.  Really, lieutenant governors are like this: don't have much to do.  Mostly, they blend into the scenery.

But this doesn't have to be.  Lieutenant Governors from differerent states could appear on Dancing With the Stars.  And we would be proud that our North Carolina or Louisiana Lieutenant Governor did a superior tango or foxtrot or waltz.  After all, didn't they do something like that in Atlantic City years ago to lengthen the tourist season?

And they should wear a fine costume.  Preferably, one with epaulets, a sash, and a three-cornered hat.  And give him a fine sword to wear!  Have him appear in an official capacity to lead parades.  Lieutenant Governors should help us satisfy our need for pageantry.

Since only Governors of California or South Carolina have news-worthy mistresses, our group of lieutenant governors must fill in the Mistress Gap, and flaunt them as an expression of the spirit of the states that they serve.  I know I would feel edified if my state's Lieutenant Governor had a world-class mistress, and the fashion sense entertainment value he and she provides would be immeasurable!  We would also benefit from our Governors not being seriously bothered by mistress distractions or paparazzis: we want working governors! 

A truly working Lieutenant Governor could have some entertaining pasttimes, such as NASCAR driving or fish taco-making.  In these uncertain times, our statemen and stateswomen must amuse us: God knows, we need it in this crisis-laden world.  Vice-Presidents are the Federal equivalent of Lieutenant Governors.  VP Quayle set a good model with his amusing vocabulary; but he would have become more loveable and amusing if he specialized in malapropisms.  Obviously, Al Gore rose to the occasion when he claimed to have invented the internet, but he should have expanded his inventive career.  Doing something like that would have even endeared Dick Cheney to the people!

Or probably not.

One other thing:  Today's Mardi Gras!
[Wish I was there.]


Mike said...

In Missouri the Governor and Lt. Governor run seperately. So our Governor is a Democrat and the Lt. Governor is a Republican. They are always taking pokes at each other.

Anonymous said...

Mike makes a good point. And, because they might be of different parties, they have little incentive to work together.

Big Sky Heidi said...

Happy Mardi Gras!

Bilbo said...

The Vice President actually performs a vital function, attending state funerals so that the president can concentrate on fighting with Congress and liaising with interns in the Oval Office. The spiffy uniform for Lieutenant Governors is a good idea, though, and the Dancing with the Stars gig could be awesome. Excellent post! And sorry about the Mardi Gras ... I guess you can take the lady out of New Orleans, but you can't take the Mardi Gras out of the lady.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Great points about Lieutenant Governors and Vice Presidents. VPs need to be cosen more carefully. It's a shame that a nominee exerts such power and attitude so as to specify who he or she wants as a running mate.