The Dirt Road Sports and Rural Terrorism

I'm sorry to say that our two Dirt Road Sports, Bubba and Billy Bob, engaged in a minor act of terrorism in the name of religion.

Now there's religion in the South; and there's Religion.

The first kind is largely kept to church, and occasionally inviting the preacher to a Sunday dinner.  Oh yes: voting "dry" if you're a "dunking" Baptist.  "Sprinkle" Baptists have a little beer or wine on ceremonial occasions; and everyone pretends not to notice.*  They will secretly vote "wet" when in the voting booth.  [It's kind of like voting Republican if you're in the literary set in New York City.]

But what they areally mean about Religion is barbecue, what you barbecue, how you do it, and what kind of sauce or rub you put on it.  It's taken seriously.

Now Billy Bob and Bubba were generally tolerant: they were even prone to a little Memphis dry rub on the sly as long as there's beer; and they were more or less resigned to the fact that Texans like to barbecue cows!

But on a road trip to the gambling hells in Tunica, MS, they passed through northern Alabama and encountered (gasp!) a sacrilege!!!!

Yes . . . . that dreaded white sauce on the barbecue plates!  It's made from mayonnaise.  That white, fatty crap!  And the varmints there were proud of it!  As a matter of fact, they found this vice all over northern Alabama.  Oh, how could the Confederate dead stand for this without rising from their graves!  Now that's worthy of an ode!** 

They decided to go jihad.

So how do you do that?  Well, Billy Bob and Bubba thought and thought.  To help them do that, they got a six-pack of beer.  And another.

Finally, they decided to do guerilla tactics.  How?  Hit the problem at its roots.  The white sauce.  They planned a little break-in, which they pulled off at the offending barbecue joint late one night after closing.  They went into the supplies room, opened each of the large jars of mayonnaise, and poured a liberal amount of tabasco sauce and horseradish in each.  To cover up the real reason for the break-in, they stole all the Moon Pies and Doritos in the place.

When the crime was detected and reported in the local county weekly, the speculation was that it was drug-related: some marijuana users got an incredible case of the munchies and loaded up with provisions.

For the next few weeks, the customers complained that the white sauce on the pork was "off," and there was an increase in requests for the barbecue, plain.

However, Billy Bob and Bubba's cunning plan backfired: there was a minority of customers that positively raved about the barbecue sauce!  Sales soon went back to the usual rate.

Bubba observed to Billy Bob, "I guess there's no stopping white sauce barbecue fans from being candyasses."

Billy Bob said, "No."  And mused on the confusing order of things.

*There are four religious truths:
1.  Jews do not recognize the divinity of Jesus Christ.
2.  Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of the Christian religion.
3.  Baptists do not recognize each other in Hooters'.
4.  True Southerners do not put mayonnaise on barbecue.

**I don't think Allen Tate had barbecue in mind.

Why Tee Boudreaux Went to Detention

One day, Tee Boudreaux, de smart one in la famille, came home from school totally bent out of shape and late, yes!  Tee Boudreaux was so totally amazed and so nonplussed, that he could not answer his Mama when she axed him how come he late.

So she got Oncle Robichaux to find out.  Oncle Robichaux was all tact and discretion, unlike the other Boudreauxes.

Oncle Robichaux goes, "Eh bien, Tee Boudreaux, how it goin'?"

Tee Boudreaux replies, "I done lost de spelling bee, Oncle Robichaux!"

"Eh bien, mon petit.  But you were always the best speller in Terrebonne Parish.  But you know:  Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.  And Good Time Boudreaux got the blues."

Tee Boudreaux smiled a little, and added, "Actually, I also got sent to detention."

"Eh, podner, I savvy.  No penalty.  What did you do?"

"Ah, Oncle Robichaux, I misspelled a word.  ONE FRIGGIN' WORD!"

"Gosh, dat is trés harsh.  Dat teacher is one mean woman.  And what word was that?"

"De teacher axed me to spell 'auspices, and I musta spelt it wrong.'"

The Horse, Otherwise Occupied

The First Time

In "Gone But Not forgotten:  Virginity Loss and current Sexual Satisfaction," Smith and Shaffer present evidence that the circumstances of loss of virginity has longer term effects on persons' current level of sexual satisfaction.  This applies especially for women.  Because this research was widely covered in the news, often with loosely-accurate summaries, you might profit from reading the actual research in this article.

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0092623X.2012.675023#tabModule

Specifically, The authors assert that first-time sexual experience is more than just a milestone in development but may appears to have implications for their sexual well-being years later.  The authors also claim that their research “suggests that any schemas and scripts developed during the first time may continue to influence sexual intercourse later on in life.”

Of course, their article inspired alarmist conjectures from the media; and a few nay-sayers, as you can read in this article.  However, in my opinion, it appears that the authors did a good study with a sufficiently large sample, and did not overstate their conclusions.

 http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/01/31/virginity_loss_study_does_your_first_time_scar_you_for_life.html

Besides the major conclusion, are there other things we might note?  Well, among things, the first coital* experiences for boys tended to result in more physical satisfaction, more emotional satisfaction, less anxiety, and more of an afterglow.  In short, they enjoy it more.  The two sexes did not differ in terms of connectedness.  However, I suggest that you read the original article and draw your own conclusions.

In my thinking, the sex differences in reactions to this first coital experience is a significant place to look for why.

First, there's the semantics involved:  the first coital* experience is framed with negative terms: loss of virginity or deflowering.   This suggests that this normal developmental milestone should be viewed negatively, as a tragedy.  This is a schema or script that is already in place for girls before the first time they experience.

Then, there is the fact that males and females have imbalances in experiences with noncoital forms of sex: girls have less knowledge about sex and experience with masturbation than do boys.  As a result, they would have had fewer actual orgasmic experiences, and  consequently might not be less lubricated at the first time and thus experience pain or discomfort.

Thirdly: there are imbalances in risk.  After all, girls can get pregnant, not boys.  And it is an extremely hard, life-changing event to be an unwed mother!

Finally, there is the obvious factor that girls are more likely to be pressured into sexual activity, perhaps long before they're ready.  These factors might contribute to the lesser positive experiences that go with sex.

So, what might be done to counter this slightly?

1.  Obviously, one thing is that it is better for both girls and boys to wait until they are older, perhaps the later teens, before engaging in full coitus.*  Considering how later people marry nowadays, waiting until marriage is unrealistic for many people but not all.  If this happens, they might be in a more advantageous place for truly free choice, and the quality of potential partners at that time is likely to be more mature and more caring.  (Okay, one who is not a jerk.)  Incidentially, the notion that the first time occurs on Prom Night is just a cliché.

2.  Should you decide that it is time, then select your potential partner carefully.  Is this the guy you want to remember as part of this script?  Anyway, don't be playing Post Office with third-class males!

3.  Plan the occasion and possible setting at your leisure.  Anticipation is part of the pleasure.  Get a nice nightgown, lingerie, and so forth.  While it is a bit over the top, I know of one girl who had a boudoir photographer take some pictures of her in her precoital finery.

4.  Look up information about alternatives to coitus and take matters into one's own hands, and find out about these.

5.  Learn about birth control information and have contraceptives readily available.  This might de-fuse some of the anxiety regarding the possibility of pregnancy.  Unfortunately, younger sexually active persons are less like to use these contraceptives reliably.  Also, consider using a lubricant like K-Y Jelly.**

6.  Get more realistic information about these initial occasions, including how to pleasure a partner, in sex education.  Above all, be positive.  Don't go into sex with anything of the flavor, "Close your eyes and think of England."

7.  Sexual intercourse should never, never be the result of a hard sell.  Or a soft one, such as through whining or pleading.  Or alcohol or drugs.  A couple should engage in sex only if both are ready, willing, and unimpaired.  After all, shouldn't it be special and to be remembered fondly?

Obviously, some of these ideas are not readily going to come to pass, given our neopuritanical society, but I can wish, can't I?

On the other hand, in some sets virginity is ridiculed.  It seems that you can't win!  It really shouldn't be that way.

 

 

Who knows?  With more positive attitudes towards ending virginity, it could lead the way to commercial opportunities, much like prom night has.  Think of the marketing opportunities:  Publishers could publish Your First Time, a magazine about articles preparing for the occasion and advertising products germane to the occasion.  Clothiers could market a line of "First Time" gowns and bedwear.  And, who knows?  It may become de rigeur for guys to rent limousines for this occasion, and tog themselves in a spiffy tux!  [Seriously, guys look neat in tuxedos.]  Finally, relatives cound send their first time nieces and nephews First Time greeting cards!  It's thinking like this that can bring about economic recovery.

 

 

Why not be stunning for your First Time?

 

 

*By using this word, I feel like a character from The Big Bang Theory.

 

** Known also as Kentucky Jelly.

Madeline the Prophetess Discusses Types of Guys

Well, it happened to be time for Mlle. Madeline, AKA The Prophetess, to discourse on different types of guys.  It's interesting that she did this, considering that she is totally chaste and seeming quite circumspect although strange in her lifestyle.  Nevertheless, she is recognized as locally as The Prophetess; consequently, the New Orleans television media calls on her on occasion for her observations while the priest at St. Cletus's Church cringes. 

It so happened that Missy Chauvin, our Action News reporter, while doing a daytime talk puff segment, invited Madeline to discuss what she saw was the different types of males.  This was done without any irony on either part.  Here is what transpired:

Missy Chauvin:  "Madeline, From your perspective, what kinds of guys are out there?"

Madeline:  "I'm so totally glad you asked, Missy.  Oui, there are different kinds of guys; c'est vrai!  Here is my take on them:

The Alpha Male -- This is the typical "take charge" guy; the one with lots of charisma.  He's attractive, charming, and a natural leader.  He exudes self-confidence, and is able to get others to go along by force of his personality.  Think of him as natural quarterback material.  Frankly ladies, he is out of your league unless you are the supermodel!  Attempts to seduce him are taken as hus just do."

Missy:  "Ah, Madeline, you are right!  They get taken by supermodels and corporate CEOs.  Some of them have egos to match and never call afterward . . . . "

Madeline:  "But there are others . . . .

The Beta Male -- The Beta Male lacks the self-confidence of the Alpha Male.  He is more passive and shows less initiative.  Beta Males ordinarily prefer to follow the lead of others, and go through life under the radar.  They make good sidekicks or wingmen.  They also make good husbands, if you keep them on the straight and narrow.  They usually will attend church with you, and dress appropriately.  Let them fish when they wish, and go to the races.  And, of course, attend Saints games.

The Gamma Male -- The Gamma Male is basically a non-conformist.  He marches to his own drummer and may tend to be artsy-fartsy.  If he is, then he is always entertaining but can be a prima donna!  If his metier is writing, then keep him away from the bourbon or Irish whiskey.  Many a creative guy got washed up on the shoals of alcohol abuse.  Make him go to church with you, and try to rein in his lapses in dress.  After all, we must be the civilizing influence!

The Delta Male -- This type of guy tries to act like an Alpha Male, but does not have the charisma, self-confidence, or generally recognized leadership.  Because of this, he may try to pass for a leader through bullying the weak selectively.  They can be the jerks, the canailles.  Les chie-en-lits!  If you detect Delta Male traits, stay away!  For true!  Some Delta Males can be wife-beaters.  Especially beware if they wear that kind of shirt: that's a tell-tale sign!"

Now Madeline turned to discuss the true losers:

"The Psi Male --  These guys, while  eccentric losers, are basically harmless.  They might have excessive interests in role-playing games, dress unusually, and are typically loners by choice.  The boys in Sixteen Candles who, while riding the school bus, wore athletic supporters on their heads is a real-life for instance of this type of guy while still young!  If you adopt this type of guy as a boyfriend, you must expect a lot of embarassment from his strange behavior!  Give him pity affection; it is the simple charitable thing to do!

The Omega Male -- These are the true losers, guys who lack basic social skills and drive.  They may neglect basic hygiene, affect rude or brusque manners, and exude a general air of creepiness.  Let's face it; these are the guys to avoid, even though you feel that you should give him the benefit of the doubt.  The Omega Male is often preceded by a reputation that might include petty crime, animal cruelty, or bizarre interests.  They should not be pushed or confronted, as they might lash out in violent ways.  [Some do have a store of guns and ammunition.]"

Missy: "So, Madeline, would you summarize by saying which type of the guy is best?"

Madeline:  "Oui!  The Beta Male, perhaps; but the Gamma Male is most amusant!  Deltas might be reformed with firmness; but it is a lost cause if they go to law school or into politics."

Missy:  "Merde!  I know some Omega Males.  The Honey Island Swamp Monster was cool by comparison."

An Alpha Male, receiving homage

Other sorts of males, plus a female in the group

Guide to Dating, Beauty, and Oil Change

1. Be always prepared for that all-important meeting. Wear clean clothes, and something that smells good.

2. Keep your quarry in mind, and dress appropriately. Don't wear a Justin Beiber t-shirt if you're shopping for a banker.

3. Use an equipment upgrade if needed. (Most guys don't mind when they find out later that you were stuffing.)
4. Cultivate a sincere interest in a fine sports team like the New Orleans Saints.   Yankee or Red Sox fandom can be very risky; but warthogs find other warthogs attractive.

5. Drink beer, particularly draft beers or full-bodied ales or stouts. This makes you appear to be a fun person.

6. Ditch the heavy intellectualism, unless you're into profs.

7. Don't be into profs, ever.

8. Worship at the V.S. shrine.

9. Think short when it somes to skirts.

10. Shower and wash thy hair.

11. Easy on the makeup and scent.

12. Think bikini for a beach setting, unless the person in question is an inhibited, possessive Star Trek freak.  [A story for some day.]

13. Figure that there's a lot of stuff guys just like, and keep from running it down. This includes sports, cars, hunting or fishing, dogs, hardware, and heavy machinery.

14. If he wants to bowl, it's okay. Really. Dear old Dad does too.

15. Thou shalt not date priests. That is a no-no with the Big Guy.
16. Or ex-priests. Too many hang-ups.
17. Don't date using personal ads. The information in them is the second major source of mendacity in the world, after politicians. (Nobody tells the truth in 'em.)

18. Bars are for going with someone else, not to meet someone new. Unless you're into boozers.

19. Get your oil changed at one of those quick oil change places every 3000 miles. Use a thinner weight oil in the winter.  Or you can put in the oil by opening the 7-10 cap.

20. Check your oil weekly if you have a slight drip like I do. I mean an oil drip.

21. Don't skimp on the battery. Get a big one.

22. Don't turn to open the the radiator cap when the car is warm.

23. If he's married, don't. If you wind up with him, he will stray on you, too. Unless you take him to the vet to keep him from wandering.

24. Have snack foods and beer around the old spread, but not pork rinds.

25. Easy on the scents. Chemical warfare is prohibited by the Geneva Convention.
26. Don't judge a guy by his wheels. Unless it's a Porsche.

27. It's not promising if he takes you to dinner at a place where you have to bus your own table.

28. Keep a count of how often he mentions his mother on the first date: three strikes, he's out.
29. Remember the "More than Two Maxims Rule" -- if he has one Maxim lying around, it's okay; if he has a stack, that can be a problem.

30. Don't propose going to a chick flick; let it be his idea and give him full credit for it.

31. "I like them big and stupid" may work in that oldie song by Julie Brown. But you better re-think that idea.

32. Does he like dogs? Good.

33. Does he have a pit bull in an reinforced steel cage? Not so good.

34. If he knows more about fashion, beauty, and makeup than you do, introduce him to your sister.
35. If he talks about his ex-dog, that's not a good sign.
36. If he gives you an endearing pet name, that's a good sign in the relationship; if he calls you "Porky" or "Bitch," that's not.

37.  Express interest by mild signals as the hair flip.  Licking your lips is too overt.  Unbuttoning the top two buttons of your blouse while making eye contact is trashy.

Breast Enlargement by Region

Recently CNN reported that breast and butt enhancement surgical procedures declined 7% and 36%, respectively; Bilbo wisely commented on the desires of humans to fend off the consequences of time and aging, noting that face lifts, cheek implants, and eyelid lifts increased.

In a statistical mode, I looked into this subject matter, and found some interesting 2006 statistics from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons:

"According to statistics compiled in 2006 by the ASPS, breast augmentation is the most popular in the Mountain region (Arizona, Colorado, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Utah, Wyoming) and Pacific region (Alaska, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington), with 36 percent of cosmetic surgery patients in those states undergoing breast augmentation. The second most popular region for breast augmentation, with 19 percent of patients undergoing the procedure, is the South Atlantic region ( Delaware, Washington, D.C., Florida, Georgia, Maryland, North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Puerto Rico). Breast augmentation in the South Central, North Central, and New England/Middle Atlantic regions accounts for 17 percent, 15 percent, and 13 percent of cosmetic surgery procedures, respectively."

An article in Slate remarked that it was a red state phenomenon, which must have been really news in California!  Somehow, I never thought of a boob job as a political statement, but Eastern journalists see right-wing politics in everything, I guess.  Maybe it's kind of like looking for a Boogerman under their beds?  Anyway, the we can say that residents of warmer, sunnier states are more likely to elect this procedure, presumably because they have more opportunties to have their bodies on display. Curiously, there is also a time zone relationship: PST and MST states have higher rates than CST and EST states.  I can't conceive of any reason why that might happen.

As for size of inplants adopted, there does not seem to be regional statistics, but a woman in Texas got some sized 38KKK.  Now she must have required an industrial-strength bra!  Of course, we must remember how the Grand Tetons got their name!  I read that the L.A. area is particularly noted for large-sized implants.  It's not a surprise to anyone that Seth MacFarlane honored them at the Academy Awards with his somewhat crass song "We Saw Your Boobs"!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwDZFqW75_0

But where are women more likely to express interest in breast implants?  I happened to find this map:

 

Salt Lake City coming in number one was an utter surprise, with searches for breast implants running 74% above average being the highest in the nation.  Maybe someone can come up with an explanation for this that makes sense, as well as why the West Coast has about three times the rate of breast implants as does New England.

Blue Stockings and Candy Stripe Knee Socks

The term blue stocking referred to an educated, intellectual woman.  It originated with the Blue Stocking Society back in 1750s England.  This group, headed by Helen Montagu, wa a group that admitted both men and women and discussed intellectual topics, as opposed to the usual gossip and drinking of most.  The origin of the term apparently came from the members' proclivities to wear blue woolen worsted stockings instead of silk ones.

Anyway, the term blue stocking carries with it a negative connotation that has lived on to this day.  I guess it's the adult equivalent to girl nerd or girl geek.  It's based on the implicit assumption that an intellectually-curious woman is an anomaly, if not a total abomination!  In my opinion, this is not the most socially adaptive way to function.  Thinkers and fine minds are, unfortunately, still at  premium.  Any society that minimizes the use of possible brainpower of 50% of its population is self-handicapping itself stupidly.*  Literally.

However, it is also not the best thing for bright girls and women to be shoehorned into the exclusively brainy role.  The fact is, we're not just thinking beings; we're also feeling and sensitive ones.  We have our minimum requirements for self-esteem support, to be noticed, and oxytocin release.

In short, appreciate our minds; but also appreciate it that we have nice legs!  Our wearing candy stripe knee socks is a way of calling attention to them!  As a matter of fact, candy stripe knee socks can reflect your moods or be obtained in the school colors of your choice! 

*This is also an argument against the "dumb blonde" stereotype that some people mistakenly console themselves with.  However, I'm reminded of La Rochefoucauld's maxim that "The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it."  At the very least, it reduces certain expectations and raises others.