Monday, January 1, 2018

The New Priest's First Sermon

Father O'Leary, a newly-consecrated priest, was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the monsignor how he could relax.

The Monseignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great. However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the monseignor. 

It read: 

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 

4. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T." 

5. The recommended grace before meals is not " rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 

6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and The boys." 

7. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him." 

8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as"Big Daddy, Junior and, The Spook." 

9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry." 

10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest as St. Peter's. There will not be a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. 


John Hill said...

Ah yes, live and learn!
I look forward to reading your stories in 2018, Angel!
Have a grand year!

Jono said...

A priest has to loosen up once in a while. As long as they keep their hands and other appendages to themselves.

Mike said...

Mary with the Cherry. Hadn't heard that one before. I will be attending the event at St. Taffy's.

Cloudia said...

LOVE it! I know a Taffy. Wait till I tell her she's been sainted!!!!

allenwoodhaven said...


Birgit said...

Oh this is funny and I laughed out loud with Mary and the cherry. Maybe more priests should loosen up with some vodka or whatever tickles their fancy

Bilbo said...

I'm googling the address for St Taffy's.