Saturday, December 27, 2014

St. Johns County Knows Buttocks

Although I have been up to my wazoo in work, and got a wee bit behind on things, still I have nothing to moon about since I came up with some cheeky topic on which to write.  But what could be more American than to take an appreciative look behind outward appearances?  Perhaps we owe this renewed interest due to the intercession of Kim K. with her callipygous assets?.  But talking about the rear view in legal terms offered a challenge that vexed scholars for a long time.  Just so we don't have to butt our heads against a wall, how much display is okay, or not?  Touché!

Fortunately, back in 1992, St. Johns County (St. Augustine, Florida) passed an anti-obscenity law regulating how much feminine flesh could be displayed on stage or on the beach.  Evidently, they needed to spell it out in no uncertain terms, lest they be legally in arrears.  I find it so precious and funny how they split hairs with regard to the buttocks.    

Breast -- "A portion of the human mammary gland (commonly known as the female breast) including the nipple and the areola (the darker colored area of the breast surrounding the nipple) and an outside area of such gland wherein such outside area is (i) reasonably compact and contiguous to the areola and (ii) contains at least the nipple and the areola and 1/4 of the outside surface of such gland."

Buttocks -- "The area at the rear of the human body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top of such line drawn at the top of the cleavage of the nates (i.e., the prominence formed by the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line drawn at the lowest visible point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance, whichever is lower, and between two imaginary lines on each side of the body, which lines are perpendicular to the ground and to the horizontal lines described above, and which perpendicular lines are drawn through the point at which each nate meets the outer side of each leg."

In other words, a bikini that provides full coverage in the rear.  I wonder if males are equivalently restricted.  A few years ago I offered my opinion on swimsuit equality:

http://evil-pop-tart.blogspot.com/2010/06/lets-have-swimsuit-equality.html

I suppose the local police would be unduly burdened with determining precisely what percentage of each breast is properly covered and whether the buttocks are properly out of view, according to this law.  Would the police form a special Bikini Control Squad?

Unfortunately, St. Johns County did not define Elbows in their law.  Therefore, we cannot be certain that they know their tushes from their elbows there!



Probably illegal in St. Johns County.

12 comments:

Kristen Drittsekkdatter said...

We don't have that problem in Minnesota.

Anonymous said...

A lot of horrendous puns.

TexWisGirl said...

tape measures for everyone!

Cloudia said...

*Clap Clap!*


This is a job for the FBI !
(Federal Bikini Inspectors)




ALOHA from Honolulu
ComfortSpiral
<3

Mike said...

I love the fleshy protuberance.

John Hill said...

A fine job of wordsmithing!
I will be available to give provide hands on assessment to any beach community in need of an enforcement officer after the end of January.

Big Sky Heidi said...

I wondered how they worded laws like that.

bakku-shan said...

She had got some cellulite in her ass.

Sinner Bob said...

I would move to St. Augustine to be on their bikini control squad. But, knowing St. Augustine, it's filled with old codgers.

Chuck Bear said...

I love the play on words for backsides.

Bilbo said...

This post is a fine counterpart to my earlier one about armpits: http://bilbosrandomthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/07/in-praise-of-humble-armpit.html
You must have stayed up for days thinking of all those wonderful puns!

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Nice bum!