Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Saint Gus

How about a little faux hagiography?

Saint Gus, despite the exortations of his mother, Saint Monica, had a dissolute youth by being in the thralls of wanton cheerleaders and experiencing the willful temptations of both alcohol and soccer.  He spent his time in dissipation, hanging out with soccer louts instead of attending to his soul.  This went on for many years: he even prayed, "Lord, make me chaste, but not just yet."  The Good Lord accomodated him for a while.

However, one day he experienced a conversion, and went off into the woods where he was influenced by the holy recluse Wilma, who taught him a different way.

Wilma, who was a former P.E. teacher, had adopted a sober lifestyle many years ago and made vows of chastity and the perfection of her basketball skills.  She became a Zen basketball adept and lived her reclusive life in prayer and playing H-O-R-S-E.  Despite her early reluctance, she took on Gus as a student after he went through numerous trials of penance, and taught him the eightfold path of correct basketball playing.  Gus eventually saw the error of his past ways, and spent hours perfecting his free throwing ability and his ball-handling skills.

But at the core of her lessons, Holy Wilma emphasized the Eightfold Path.

The Eightfold Path consists of:

1.  The Right View -- Remember that quitters never win, and winners never quit.
2.  The Right Intention -- Take a hit for the team.
3.  The Right Speech -- Engage in no trash-talking.
4.  The Right Action -- Practice your dribbling skills on the court, not while watching models on television.
5.  The Right Livelihood -- Select the team you will play for well; and don't overlook the product endorsements.
6.  The Right Effort -- Practice for at least three hours daily; and study scouting films at other times.
7.  The Right Mindfulness -- Keep pure thoughts unadulterated with soccer.
8.  The Right Concentration -- Always focus on the hoop when you are about to shoot.

After his long penance, Gus went from some playground games to semipro and finally to the NBA.  While in the NBA he made a point of slowing down his play when his opponents were sufficiently behind.  He explained this in terms of not humiliating them.  However, there was some suspicions by the ungodly of Gus being involved in point shaving.  It was only after several miraculous comebacks during the playoffs that his saintliness was recognized and all was forgiven.

Saint Gus is invoked against airballs.  His feast day is April 8th.  It is said that if the NCAA Final is played on that day, Saint Gus will reappear in a burst of glory and the more worthy team will be the victor!


Grand Crapaud said...

The key to basketall is getting a high percentage of 3-point shots. No mystery about it. Being successful at it forces the defense to not play so tightly in.

TexWisGirl said...

your mind works in mysterious ways...

Kristen Drittsekkdatter said...

Why not a patron saint for basketball players?

Mike said...

All may be lost. I don't know if I can do #4.

Bilbo said...

I always thought hagiography was abstract art depicting evil witches, but I guess I was wrong.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Wilma does not sound like a lot of fun, but maybe she's what the Lakers need in coaching.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

TexWisGirl -- Just a weird spoof attempt.

Grand -- That sounds plausible.

Kristen -- They do, St. Christopher.

Mike -- It's okay to use a washcloth.

Bilbo: I would have thought so also.

Elvis -- Even Jack Nicholson bailed on thrm.

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The Bastard King of England said...

Funny story!