Monday, May 28, 2012

The Prophetess Takes Aim on the Seven Deadly Sins

It was one of those bright, warm days in Old New Orleans.  People were lining up in front of a streetcar stop.  Just then, one of the local eccentrics, The Prophetess showed up and cheerily delivered this message:

"Allo, mes chers, I have the important spiritual message for you today while you are waiting for the streetcar.  Some of you are not right with the LORD, and the Big Guy ess not happy, no.  So it is time for you to do some cleaning up of your act, and get back on the moral horse before the fifth race.  And play the trifecta today, it is a good play.  I tell you true!

You need to remember the Dirty Seven, the Seven Deadly Sins.  Being that this is New Orleans, we are quite proficient in them here.  Anyway, for those not darkening St. Louis Basilica in many moons, here they are:

Being Full of Youself -- Mes amis, your merde stinks like anyone else's; no need to be puffy about yourself.   Carly Simon did not write the song about you; your vanity is risible!  Dial it down a few notches; for those from the Uptown or Jefferson Parish, put it on mute!

Being Laid Back -- Lying on the sofa and eating cheese doodles while watching soaps or ESPN is a semigrave sin.  Get up, and ride the exercise bike; and if you are a woman and you do it right, you get the big surprise.

Pigging Out --  The Good Lord and your personal trainer are made unhappy when you do this, so ease up on the Doritos or Moon Pies.  And, s'il you plait: only one cannoli at Angelo Brocato's.  For a suitable penance, eat in a school cafeteria.

Being a Material Girl -- Stop wanting so much stuff, and looking on other peoples'stuff with desire.  You really do not want to be a clone of the Kardashians, do you?  Swell clothes and car, perhaps?    Or celebrity status?  You can't be Les Miles or Drew Brees, sorry.  Okay, perhaps a little enhancement in the tetons area?  Well, that is a sin.  Appreciate what God gave you, it was for a reason.  Besides, do you really want to wear a 40DD bra?

Taking Care of Business -- Do not be cutthroat in your dealings with others.  You can carry only so much away, and executive positions with Enron or some of those mauvais banks in New York is not to be had.

Sensuality -- Chers, this comes from reading too many of the romance novels.  Now follow Prophetess Madeline's ironclad rule: if the man on the cover is not wearing a shirt, don't buy it.  If he's not wearing pants, close your eyes and recite the penitential psalms or the starting lineup of the Cubs.  Do not crave M. Johnny Depp; he is married.

Being Real and Upfront with Your Feelings -- Having the hissy fits is, like, totally displeasing to the Big Guy.  Develop a few little inhibitions for your own sake.  Remember: it is also okay for girls to be the quiet, strong type.

Text Messaging or Using Cell Phones While Driving -- These are no-nos.  Don't do them!

"Ur, Mlle. Prophetess, I think you mentioned eight."

"I did?  Oh, my bad.  Which one did I add?  Eh bien, don't do any of them, just to be safe."





12 comments:

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Eating in a school cafeteria is a harsh penance; only to be imposed by the Supreme Court.

So you've heard (or experienced) the joys some women have on the exercise bike?

Anonymous said...

IMO, driving while texting outsins sloth, gluttony, and envy for sure.
And what's so wrong with a little lust?

Or a whole lotta lust.

Mike said...

I always wondered (as in the last 5 minutes) what basilica meant.

basilica - 1540s, from L. basilica "building of a court of justice,"; basilic - kingly; royal.

Big Sky Heidi said...

A funny read for a draggy day. Have a good one Angel, and sin a little with a man!

Grand Crapaud said...

I like your updating of the traditional seven.

Deena said...

So if having a hissy fit is a sin, how am I going to get some exercise?

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Thank you.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

You can still cast aspersions. Maybe that would help, although it's not aerobic but just acerbic.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

:-))

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Thanks I didn't know that. Older people in my family simply call it the Cathedral.

Bilbo said...

Is not a basilica the place where you grow basil? And if being full of oneself is a new deadly sin, the Man with the Pitchfork will need to build an annex to accommodate all the celebrities and politicians...I hope he's got his building permit requests in already.

Grand Crapaud said...

"Get back on the moral horse before the fifth race."