Saturday, October 29, 2011

Men in Hats

Please allow me to discourse on a subject I'm only vaguely qualified on: men's hats.

In my opinion, the guiding principles in the wearing of any head coverage should be:

1.  Is it called for because of climatological circumstances;
2.  Is it part of a uniform ensemble;
3.  Do circumstances call for some kind of head covering;
4.  Does the wearer avoid looking ridiculous in the process.

Now obviously a woman wearing a hat while attending church was called for in some former time; and may still be in some places.  And apparently the British royals do have to wear hats but they manage to wear the most ridiculous ones in the process: producing a kind of reverse panache.

But guys, it's another story.

So let me give you my eViL pOp TaRt principles for safe and sane hat wearing.

1.  No one looks good in a sombrero.  Even the Urban Sombrero, to resurrect that old concept from the Jerry Seinfeld Show.

2.  Likewise berets, unless you are a chain-smoking long-dead French philosopher of despair and bad croissants.

3.  Baseball caps are fine when worn outdoors, in casual settings, and with the bill forward.  Warning: some people will think you're a douchebag if you wear a New York Yankee or Boston Red Sox hat. 

4.  If you must wear your baseball cap backwards, then I recommend that you wear the conplete ensemble with it: the chest protector and the face mask.

5.  A baretta shoud be worn only by old-fashioned Catholic priests and high church-aspirant Angelican clergy.

6.  A boat is alright if you're a member of a string quartet and you're carrying a cane.

7.  Don't even think of a pith helmet.  Pith on you if you do.

8.  Hombergs and fedoras are acceptable with business dress.

9.  Stetsons, unless worn in some mountain western states or Texas, indicate histrionic tendencies.  Perhaps the wearer is also hoping for a pickup game of cowboys and Native Americans.

10.  Flat or scalley hats, strangely enough, do look fine on well-groomed men.  They're not just for Andy Capp.

11.  Fur hats with flaps that can be let down are good for cold weather.  Warning: if you wear one of the latter, you might be harassed by PETA members or Tea Party members who think you are a commisar!

12.  Wool caps are nice for skating or standing watch on a ship or ice fishing. 

13.  Don't ever wear a knit hat with those straps that just hang down as it makes you look stupid.

14.  Pickelhaubes are cool; but not when engaged in the sport of leapfrog.

15.  Shakos should be worn only if you are part of a marching band.

16.  Messages on hats, no matter how witty, are a bad idea.  They make bumper stickers for this kind of purpose.

17.  DON'T wear a hat indoors.  Didn't your mother ever tell you that?


Big Sky Heidi said...

I suggest that men or women not wear hats with feathers in them, especially those Tyrolese hats. Not even if you're dressing for "The Sound of Music."

Duckbutt said...

Some guys wear hats that are deliberately overcasual so as to express an indifference to publicly-accepted mores or tastes. How do these fiy in?

Anonymous said...

The guys in the Village People all wore hats as part of there act: the cop hat, the Indian headdress, the hard hat, and so on. What about them?

Bilbo said...

Ah, dearest Angelique ... hats ... a topic about which I have very strong feelings! (1) I used to wear a hat when in uniform, but nowadays only wear one when it's very cold outside (I have a wonderful fur hat from China that's both marvelously warm and hideously ugly). (2) Baseball caps worn other than bill-to-front look incredibly stupid, especially when combined with dreadlocks, which look stupid enough on their own. (3) Stetsons not worn while actually herding cattle also look stupid. (4) As a Germanophile, I think Pickelhauben are the ultimate in cool, although I would never wear one myself ... they're too phallic. And (5) You are spot-on on the subjects of berets and birettas. My hat is off to you. So to speak.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Heidi: I agree. Feathers should remain on fowl.

Duckbutt: Those are antisocials, no doubt.

Anonymous: That group was from the hideous era of disco. There was no taste back then.

Blbo: Wear your warm Chinese hat in good health. Somehow, I get the vague image of you as a warlord. Pickelhauben are phallic: and biermaidens are glad of it. THank you!

Banana Oil said...

A pith helmet is fine if you're on safari. Surfing safari, not so much.