Flagrante Delicto

There are those uncomfortable moments we all have; moments in which we wish would end. Like the time I tried to wing "How Great Thou Art" on the organ in church without using the sheet music, only to find that I forgot some of it. Or, getting caught red-handed, like when my aunt and my mother's friend caught me carrying a package from that affront to probity: Victoria's Secret. They seemed to repeatedly glance down at it with disapproving expressions. (Oh why do they color the bags that gaudy shade of pink? Why couldn't they give you a plain brown bag to carry it in?).

Schools provide those moments, as trying to sneak past the eagle eye of the school secretary without checking in tardy or having that forbidden Coke during lunch. (Coke and other sodas was contraband at our school!) And many of us found ways to avoid wearing those hideous gym outfits.

The latest? No it was not something like being caught coming out of some No-Tel Motel. It was a far seriously worse offense, in today's moral environment! [Prepare to be shocked, Gentle Reader.] There a friend and I were caught flagrante delicto in a Chili's, each with large Margaritas colored in ways that do not exist in the natural state, and each having our own Awesome Blossom deep-fried onion with dip. I knew I was in for lectures from the Diet Gestapo on the amount of cholesterol! Honestly, we do it only once a year! And it's every bit worth the guilt. Honestly, I will do extra laps to work off the calories . . . .

Why do people do this? It's that lingering Puritanism of our culture that is expansionistic in finding new opportunities to restrict joy. And it has a touch of envy as well. Supposedly, Californians envy others for their trophy boy or girl friends or wheels or even shoes; around here envy is concentrated on what someone else is eating. Think of that next time you have that lemon ice box pie!