Friday, January 30, 2015

How to Get Your Best Bikini Body Ever!

Recently Action News Morning Show in New Orleans featured a series of interviews with locals on how to deal with this serious issue:

Missy Chauvin, moderator:  "How to get your best bikini body ever.  If there's ever an article title appearing on a magazine's cover during the late winter or early spring that evokes terrors, this is it!

Yes, you may have enjoyed a few snacks over the months, your tan is underwhelming, you have accomplished few of your fitness goals, and all of those possibilities for regrets -- but chill a little, dawlin'! Here's a few local Orleanians with some tips on how to cope."  

[Video shifts to each interviewee in turn.]

Clotilde Badeaux:  "Start off by loving your body. No one is likely to be as critical of it as you are. As a matter of fact, when guys see you in a swimsuit, they are ready to like!"

Suzette, the Existential Stripper:  "I sometimes have this problem despite my profession. My suggestion is to start a deliberate fitness program about the time of Groundhog Day. Of course, you can move to Minneapolis and never have to worry about this at all. Even the strippers there wear long johns."

Madeline the Prophetess:  "If you're overly scrupulous about modesty, I suggest that you start off by wearing a jacket or short robe over your swimsuit, and gradually get comfortable baring more. Oh, and to be safe, pray for St. Buffy's* help in overcoming your concerns.

Tina Moreaux:  "Often women worry about their caboose. Tell yourself, if Kim Kardashian can flaunt hers on the cover of a magazine, you will pass too."**

Megan O'Connor:  "If you see you have a muffin top visible when wearing a cropped top, get a new bikini, preferably in a becoming shade of green.  Wearing that shade compares you favorably to Babar the Elephant. And, trust me***, it's less noticeable if you go full throttle wearing a bikini from the start."

Luisa Gomez:  "Wear whatever you like; but go with a friend who dresses like a putain! They will notice her instead."

Fiona Carlyle, exercise guru:  "The bad news is that you have to reduce sodium and carbohydrate intake, cease to drink alcohol, drink at least eight glasses of water daily, and exercise. Do both the treadmill and weights.  Especially do ab crunches."

Missy:  "There you have it, folks.  Very clearly, New Orleanians are taking their preparations for swimsuit season very seriously, even if it's a few months away and they may be expecting a warm Mardi Gras.

*Patron saint of bikini-wearers; probably not a real saint.
**She didn't break the internet, did she?
***Megan is a member of the local Bar as well as the President of the Daughters of Hibernia.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Do It for the U.S.A.!

Denmark has a problem: it's birth rate has fallen; yet it wants to support a lot of social services. However, this short film proposed a fun solution for Danes. Perhaps this might also offer a long-term solution for America:

Here's how. The U.S, population experienced an unprecedented birth rate increase between 1946 and 1964. These are the Baby Boomers. And the Baby Boomers are getting older: The oldest of these boomers are 67 or 68; about age for retirement. And life expectancy is increasing. Therefore, the Social Security, health care, and corporate retirement plans should experience increased strains. (You can bet that Our Esteemed Elected Officials and high-level bureaucrats will float by this crisis with their own retirement packages.) 

Recently President Obama proposed funding the two years of community college by the government, based on what Tennessee (of all places) is now doing. However, Tennessee does not have the cash flow problems that the Federal government or certain blue states have. How is this going to be paid for? Well, they're banking that more people will go to community colleges (thus maybe ensuring Angel gets a job teaching them also) and acquire employable skills. That idea should pay off within a few years.

But we still need to consider the big picture. What will save us from the specter of the Baby Boomers is another baby boom, and quickly! Therefore, I propose that good Americans should consider it their social duty to make babies! For entirely utilitarian purposes, of course. So I tell you, fellow Americans: Do it for the U.S.A.! We need some more tax-payers for the future!

Now governments have tried to affect natality rates with bonuses and taxes. For example, Quebec paid proud parents of newborns up to $8000 per baby! The Soviet Union, predictably, taxed childlessness with a 6% income tax on childless men between 25 and 50, and childless married women between 20 and 45.

But Americans are still moved with a desire to act in prosocial ways. Therefore, as the PSA put it:

"Two, four, six, eight,
You got to fornicate!"

Monday, January 26, 2015

Riding the Sin Bus to Gulfport

The church ladies of Pearl River County met in the school parking lot on Saturday for that long-anticipated and never talked-about bus trip, arranged by Cordie Mae Wilson, pecan grower and confectioner. They huddled in little groups, the Methodists, the Baptists, and the most strict Church of Christ and holy roller contingents. It was not stated, but universally understood, that they were going for a ride on the wild side! The trip was touted as an all-day visit to Bellingrath Gardens near Mobile, but they all knew the score!

Finally, the bus pulled in, and Cordie Mae took up the tickets as Jim Bob idled the motor. And they're off!

It was a short ride, through Necaise and Kiln, to that fabled land of Cockagnie: the casinos of Gulfport and Biloxi! This was the girls' afternoon and evening out! En route, Cordie Mae served some of her special punch. No one asked questions. They considered themselves in good hands with Cordie Mae!

Screech! Jim Bob jammed on the brakes by this Palace of Iniquity, the Casino. They noticed in the parking lot a number of unfamiliar license plates, including some from that mythical land of Nevada! Was that a real state, after all?

In entering the casino, the ladies were awed by the neon lights and rows upon rows of slot machines. To the side, there were cashiers who would make change into quarters, half dollars, and even big damn cartwheels, as the head of the Baptist choir termed these unfamiliar and heavy coins not seen in the stores or Picyaune and Poplarville!

Well, it turned out that several of the ladies were wearing dresses that you don't wear to Marge's Diner, or to church on Sunday!  Or, for that matter, while shopping at Belk's in Hattiesburg. It's nice to dress daring and avoid censure by the clergy. However, Brother Barksdale and the Rev. Howland didn't see this side of them, nor did their husbands or bosses. Not to mention their kids: don't set a bad example for them! Momma needs her fun.

But back to the Casino. The ladies started off with the slots, where a few jackpots started them off on the right foot. But they filtered off into blackjack, roulette, and poker! Those Thursday night card players were soon able to shout Hallelujah! They had a light lunch at the buffet, and found that mimosas went with the beef. This led them to drink experimental daiquiris. They pronounced them delicious!

Going to the Casino would not be complete unless they took in a few shows; and they found it easy to hang out with some dissolute Gulfport guys! These dudes introduced them to gin fizzes and dry martinis! But, stalwart as they were, they were not deterred from the business at hand, but a few of those Gulfport guys had their butts squeezed as they parted. Turnabout is fair play! 

Another session with the slots, and then capping off the evening with a few spins of the roulette! Marge hit the jackpot on the dollar machine, and Celia Anne won at roulette. They bought a few bottles of champagne to pass around on the bus. It was a gleeful time in old Pearl River and Lamar Counties.

The church ladies arrived back at 9 P.M. What happened in Gulfport stayed in Gulfport! They were collected by their families, and went home to bathe away their possible sins because the next day was a church day.

For the next week or so, the local betting parlor had few customers through its private, secure back door.  

Dry counties can be fun at times, as long as there's a county nearby that's as wet as a bar rag.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

There Is Such a Preference. and There's a Word for It!

"Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck." -- Lewis Grizzard

Let us tread lightly into the world of paraphilias or unusual sexual preferences. These are objects that have peculiar sexual meaning for some people. Some are fairly common, some are rare, and some are downright disgusting. Alfred Binet proposed that sexual fetishes were learned through an associative process.

Remember Rule 34: If it exists, there must be porn of it. Perhaps we should add a corollary to Rule 34:  If a paraphilia exists, there must be a word for it.

Agalmatophilia -- Statues or mannequins. Said to be more common in Europe, primarily as a prank.

Altocalciphilia -- High heels. Wearing super high heels is an occupational prerequisite for dominatrixes.

Anlilagnia -- Desire for older women by young men. Cougars like this one.

Anthropophagia -- Desire to eat human flesh.

Aquaphilia -- Arousal from water and/or in watery environments, including bathtubs or swimming pools. 

Aretifism -- Sexual attraction to people who are without footwear, in contrast to retifism

Autagonistophilia -- Desire to be on stage or on camera.

Autoerotic asphyxiation -- Self-asphyxiation or strangulation as a form of arousal. This can be a cause of accidental death.

Coprophilia -- Feces.  Ugh!

Diaper fetishism -- Diapers, hopefully clean ones.

Dendrophilia -- Trees.  Practitioners are called tree huggers.

Eproctophilia -- Sexual attraction to flatulence.  Ugh.

Exhibitionism -- Exposing one's genitals to unwilling and unsuspecting other people.  A major reason for someone wearing a trench coat in summer.

Forniphilia -- Turning oneself or another into a piece of furniture. What?  Was this common in the Ottoman Empire?

Frotteurism -- Rubbing against an unwilling other person. Creepy!

Gerontophilia -- Elderly people.

Hematophilia -- Blood.

Kleptophilia -- Stealing for erotic purposes.

Klismaphilia -- Giving or receiving enemas.

Macrohpilia -- Giants, giantesses.

Masochism -- Reception of pain or humiliation.

Melolagnia -- Fetish for music. An unpleasant thought: even accordion music?

Mucophilia -- Mucus.

Mysophilia -- Dirt or soiled things. 

Narratophilia -- Obscene words. 

Nasophilia -- Noses.

Necrophilia -- Corpses. Very rare, yet double yuck!

Oculolinctus -- Licking the eyeballs.

Pedophilia -- Children. Yuck!

Plushophilia -- Sexual attraction to stuffed toys or people in animal costume, such as theme park characters.  Not Goofy, hopefully. 

Podophilia -- Feet. This is supposed to be fairly common.

Pygophilia -- Buttocks.

Pyrophilia -- Fire.

Retifism -- Boots or shoes. Pumps, espadrilles, or army boots?

Sadism -- Inflicting pain on others. Conducting long speeches belongs here.

Telephone scatologia -- Making obscene telephone calls.

Teratophilia -- Deformed people.

Transvestic fetishism -- Dressing like a member of the opposite sex.

Trichophilia -- Hair.  Sometimes for a specific color.

Trolism -- Watching one's partner have sex with another person.

Zoophilia -- Animals

Altocalciphilia and a prescription for sore feet and ankles.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Calvin and Hobbes

Bill Watterson's cartoon Calvin and Hobbes represented the finest of the golden age of newspaper cartoons.  It's only serious competitor was Dilbert and The Far Side.

Thanks for the great cartoons, Mr. Watterson!

A take-off on the original Calvin and Hobbes, two guys that were less fun.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Fashion Mavens Comment on the N.F.L. Football Helmets

In light of the upcoming Super Bowl, it is not surprising that the media has been eager for another slant, another way to ride the Super Bowl hype. Naturally, the usual ones have been ridden too and and put up wet by previous media eager beavers: (a) a breath of scandal (helped by the sure presence of the Patriots), (b) beauties (players' hot wives or girlfriends, skimpily dressed cheerleaders), (c) tedious analysis of game strategy by commentators on meth, and (d) trash talk. But, the usuals get overworked, and new angles are sorely needed.

So the bright vice-presidents at Premier Sports Network decided to do a program on fashion and the N.F.L. Not what is seen in the audience at football games; that is not eye-popping, unless someone shows up in retro 1920's football fan togs! No, they got a few fashion critics from Boston, New York and Los Angeles to comment on the 32 helmet designs peculiar to each N.F.L. team:

Anyway, without further ado, here's a few assessments by these fashion mavens to inform your thinking of this somewhat neglected topic. After all, N.F.L. owners are not aesthetically sophisticated and need the firm hand of big city fashion critics!

Casper Filnoodle, New York: I like the elegance of the Vikings helmet, with its rich purple color and the stylized Viking horns. The Chargers, likewise look very dynamic with their lightning-festooned helmets. On the other hand, the Jets and the Titans mark theirs with exceptionally boring logos! While not much is expected from Tennessee (I'm surprised the players don't wear bib overalls), the Jets represent one of the most fashion-conscious cities of the world!

Chauncey Bigelow, Boston: Well, let me first of all say that the Redskins and Chiefs have tasteless logos, team names, and tacky helmets; and the Cleveland Browns neglects to have an emblem at all on their helmets. Clearly, this is what you can expect from those fashion-challenged cities. The Giants and the Forty-Niners, on the other hand, have sleek, straightforward helmet designs. And, like Casper, I like the Chargers' helmets.

Felicity Underbilt, New York: Too many N.F.L. teams have had helmet designs and colors that, while not awful, merely fell into the mediocre category: The Steelers, the Saints, the Falcons, and the Colts. The Bengals have a clever, kicky pattern to their helmets; I found the black tiger stripes on the orange helmets to be quite distinctive and compelling. Good design! The Buccaneers have an unfortunate logo, and the Colts need more color. The Bears use a dark blue helmet with a "C" on it. Now given that three other N.F.L. cities also begin with the letter "C", this seems to be ambiguous. As for the ones I like, the Falcons and the Seahawks are the bon ton, in my opinion! They are winners, even before the kickoff takes place!

Vivian Wilbertson, Los Angeles: The disgusting Oakland Raiders helmets go well with that embarrassing city on the West Coast and its rowdy fans. That has to be the worst! But the Patriots' chapeaux need re-designing too in addition to their efforts in bringing about the softer side of footballs. Actually, I like the basic design of the Dolphins' helmets; but they need to replace a teal blue or light green for the basic, boring white. The Eagles' helmets have a design worthy of the fashion-conscious Main Line; good going, fashion-conscious Philadelphia! The teams from the Deep South other than Miami should all be suspended until they replace their unspeakable helmets! The Cowboys have a great, straightforward design that is timeless, nothing faddish about it!

Moderator: Ms. Wilbertson, you praise the Cowboys', and yet Ms. Underbilt labeled the Colts' as mediocre. Was that based on the logos on the plain white helmets?

Vivian: I got the sense that the Cowboys' was making a statement by being retro; but the Colts' was simply static. Now if some of their fans would refrain from wearing leisure suits, even as a retro statement, that would improve the team's morale and performance. And, goodness, put some clothes on the cheerleaders!

Sylvester Porcellino, fashion critic from the Times: The Cleveland Browns' helmets have adopted a minimalist fashion style, much in homage to the Minimalists in art during the mid-1960's. They make a statement: take us as we are. I like the rich irony of the New Orleans team being nicknamed the Saints! Anyway, the Giants and the Cowboys get their message across. Some teams have unfortunate helmets: the Carolina Panthers, the Tennessee Titans, and the New England Patriots come to mind. In my opinion, when a team moves to another city, they should take advantage of the period of novelty and unqualified fan support by adopting a uniform and helmet that shows homage to other modern art movements: pop art and op art, for example! That would go a long way to making football relevant to what's important: art.

Moderator: Excuse me......why does the cameraman have his head in a waste basket?

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

A Parody of Wonder Woman

It was inevitable, that given the success of Wonder Woman, someone would develop a parody of her. Here she is; Dumb Bunny, a member of the Inferior Five!

Dumb Bunny, also known as Athena Tremor, works as a model in her day job. She is supposed to be as strong as an ox; and about as intelligent! This comic strip came out sometime in the long ago era of comic books, but she became a character for cosplay nowadays. (Understandably, considering the combination of the sexy costume and bunny ears.) She was teamed with four other limited ability superheroes who, working together, were able to fight evil and wickedness. Yes, blondes were stereotyped as dumb even back then. Still, there's the Anita Loos effect to consider!

I nominate Anna Faris to play her if they ever make a movie version of the Inferior Five.