Saturday, December 3, 2016

Bowling for Dollars

In days of auld, when coaches were bold, players wore leather helmets, and sportswriters were very particular, there were originally four bowl games: The Rose Bowl, the Orange Bowl, the Sugar Bowl, and the Cotton Bowl. 

Others were added over time, such as the Gator Bowl, the Liberty Bowl, the Tangerine Bowl, and others. As a matter of fact, the number of postseason games exceeded 40 with no end in sight. Corporate sponsors added their names to certain bowls, and even American football took on a very American trait: commercialization. No surprise: many bowls had, quite frankly, justifications in terms of increasing the economic health of the communities where the bowls were played. Hence, the All State Sugar Bowl, the Capital One Orange Bowl, and others. Originally, these extra bowls were in at least passably warm cities, but this soon changed.

While purists might object to this, no one takes too seriously the notion that it doesn't really add to a team's reputation whether they won the Chick fil-A Peach Bowl or the Music City Bowl or the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, or not. Have you ever driven into a town that proclaims on its outskirts that the local college won one of the minor bowls? But, there's the revenue enhancement for the programs!

I can see this clearly now, the rain is gone: Potash State College: Winner of the Go-Daddy Bowl 2016!

Setting myself as a possible persona non grata in Alabama, can I say that the Iron Bowl is a Faux Bowl in which the same two teams always play? Still, the winner of that game will bask in statewide glory for the next year.

A passably attractive, neat city in Ames, Iowa decided to get into the bowl business, partly to pay for its local stadium and to make money during December, Christmas shopping being insufficient. So they decided, with much fanfare, to have a bowl of their own.

Unfortunately, the major attribute of the community was that it was tidy and neat. So out of that the Tidy Bowl was born! Imagine what joy accompanied the triumphant team and university winning this elite bowl!

Or the Toilet Bowl! Wouldn't any city be proud to host the Toilet Bowl?



Still other bowl games emerged with time. Phoenix, Arizona sponsored the Metamucil Bowl, Trenton, New Jersey hosted the Superfund Site Bowl, Birmingham, Alabama adopted the Smog Bowl, and St. Paul hosted the Lutefisk Bowl. And each one had an accompanying basketball tournament as well. Proud of their states' heritage, the steering committee of the Smog Bowl had the Luv Guv toss the coin before the kickoff. It too them five minutes to find it because of the smog.








Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The Cowhands Have a Lingerie Shower

It was a happy occasion for the small group in Wyoming; one of their number was feeling a little low and getting cabin fever, and they decided to have a lingerie shower to cheer her up.

A lingerie shower is usually where a bride-to-be is feted at a party where female friends bestow lingerie gifts, drink wine or champagne, and have a good old time exchanging ribald repartee, laughing, whooping, and hollering.

To be sure, the lingerie is often politely risqué, including panties and thongs, sexy bras, guêpières, nightgowns, and the like.  

Well, things happened differently on the range in Wyoming, where cowboys in the bunkhouse dealing with cold weather, wind, snow, mooing cows, and boredom on the range. Some of the cowhands noted that Cowgirl Melinda was feeling really down and that she liked being, well, a little feminine in some ways, so they decided to cheer her up and cheer themselves up. How? By having a lingerie shower, as one of them read about this notion in one of those magazines they turn to out of boredom and to check up on feminine bodies lest they forget.

So they planned, and shopped, and set the date! Truth to tell, they were all a little punchy from the cold, wind, and snow. But, by gum, cowboys are resourceful, especially the Dallas kind. Ask the Redskins.

They got neat invitations printed; and each did some special shopping on line or their day off in town. Talk about bulls in china shops: What about cowboys going in Victoria's Secret or even Trashy Lingerie? Well, the shoppers from the ranch could do without confused looks from salesgirls, so some shopped online.

The day of glory arrived. After Melinda unsaddled, fed, and watered her pony, she saw this sign on the door:
And the full ranch of cowpokes were inside, grinning like mules  eatin' briars. (Kind of like what Easterners call a shit-eating grin.) They whooped it up when Melinda entered, and the party began. First, a round of champagne to start things on, and this was chased by a dose of plonk from the master vinters of Denver! Them the party began, beginning with the cowboy's lament:

"With a ki-yi-yo, get along, little dogie, 
It's your misfortune, and none of my own....."

And brief testimonials from the buckeroos in honor of Cowgirl Melinda, who carried her own load as a ranch hand and didn't bitch about the constant wind. Melinda felt the love from her trail mates.

Then time for the gifts!

Pedro gave her a pink nightie with optional black bikini panties. This was pronounced "Darling!" by Melinda.

Jake came up with the lacy white gupiêrère that would make any woman look damned hot! The other hands wondered about where Jake's taste in women's clothing came from. A cat house in Rawlings? Anyway, everyone took a deep breath as they absorbed that vision.

Several thongs were bestowed on Melinda, guaranteeing her days of cooling tailwinds and silk wedgies.

And nightgowns. Demure ones, daring ones, Transparent ones. And transparent bras! And just barely there panties!

Pecos Al showed exquisite taste by gifting Melinda with a kimono.

Colorado Sam came up with a Colorado bikini top, giving a bit of humor in the process. Sorry, no Wyoming version.

And perfume, for when she tired of smelling like a horse.



Now how did Melinda take this unusual surprise party? Well, she asked for another round of bubbly while she modeled some of the outfits for the celebrating buckaroos!

As Melinda put it while modeling one of the thongs, "Now you can all be the judge as to whether my ass is too big." 

But the real show-stopper was when she came out in the lacy white gupiêrère! Mamma mia!

Sometimes the boys can be fun! But on the prairie, you have to make your own fun. But it helps if all are desperate, nonjudgmental, and have a sense of humor. Especially Melinda.

It's little perks like this that help with group cohesion.




Wednesday, November 23, 2016

A Musical Interlude at the Roller Skating Rink

Well, Smiling Tom was an employee at an indoor skating rink. You know, one of those places where you can rent roller skates and race or awkwardly try to stand up on the roller rink while others skate. (I mean, Angel had many a fall and sore butts, to make a frank confession.) Anyway, Smiling Tom, the usually affable disc jockey, decided that the crowd was too rowdy and uncooperative, so he decided to take a coffee break. But he did it in a most petulant way. He repeatedly played a selected music offering not normally used in skating rinks: "My Humps" by the Black-Eyed Peas.

And he used earplugs to at least attenuate what he heard. The largely junior high crowd got the song out loud.


Now the first time the kids heard the song they laughed. In part because it was a risqué song not usually heard in skating rinks:


What you gon' do with all that junk?

All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'm a make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump (ha), my hump, my hump, my hump (what).
My hump, my hump, my hump (ha), my lovely lady lumps (Check it out) 


It was at first a real hoot.


But it got played again. And again. And again. The novelty began to wear off.


There were two parties of kids in the glassed-in party rooms, together with the mom of the honoree and some friends. The moms were not amused at all. "Clearly, the manager should have a word with the disc jockey," one said.


Those kids, bless their hearts, enjoyed the discomfort of the moms.


Still more "My Humps." Fergie's backside was honored quite enough, thank you. The kids, as well as the parents, got tired enough of it.




Finally,  Smiling Tom came back, and played a more varied list of songs to skate to; at the least the ones that didn't decamp.

The manager came in later to a big helping of grief from the mamas and the girls from the roller skate rental counter. He lost his cool; and fired Smiling Tom. Tom had overplayed his hand; but that can happen when you work at a roller skating rink.

So the manager hired Barbara. If the kids were rowdy, she would just play Christian music. As she put it tactfully, "That's quiet the little bastards down!"








Saturday, November 19, 2016

Local Characters Endorse Politicians

It's a true symbiotic relationship - political candidates and stars. For each major National election, including gubernatorial elections in California the stars and other illuminati strut out to express their heartfelt support for the person they're endorsing. This is somewhat redolent of the red carpet moments preceding the Oscars. They come out, like Punxsutawney Phil, to see their shadows from the camera flashes. Naturally, they're wearing their finest threads! And are accompanied by dutiful spouses, mistresses, their posses, and press agents. And they are so direct in telling why their fervently supporting their endorsee! It serves the function of a dumb show in a Medieval or Renaissance drama; except they have a lot to say.

But why? From whence does the knowledge or expertise of these stars flow from?

There is something cynical in me that detects career reasons for their doing so. Specifically, espousing certain views may be advantageous to their careers! (Some might protest that I'm too young to be with such a jaded outlook; but I'm from New Orleans!)

Anyway, I'll bring the story down close to home.

In our recent gubernatorial race, Democrat John Bel Edwards defeated Republican David Vitter. Now the usual news and television outlets lined up with one candidate or another. Local celebrity endorsements occurred even on the ward level. 

For example, the Lucky Dog Guy and Suzanne the Existential Stripper endorsed John Blutowski for Councilman while the while the "I Know Where You Got Your Shoes" guy endorsed Patricia Broussard. Finally, Honest John the  pawnbroker came out in support of Newton Minnow in the posh Uptown neighborhood. These endorsements were sought because of the notoriety of these mini-celebrities. Besides, each announced that, should their candidate lose, they would move to benighted Mississippi or even darkest Tennessee. 

Crazy Chester sat this one out; figuring that he could make more money on horse racing than he would endorsing some so-so candidate. Besides, the big money was in the gubernatorial race!

Suzanne was the big celebrity draw; especially because she also demonstrated part of her act; stripping down to a body suit emblazoned with the word Blutowski! The Lucky Dog Guy just brought hot dogs and his candidate came out a weiner. Honest John drummed up support for Newton Minnow; but his customer base largely did not come from that Uptown neighborhood. An oversight was that no candidate was endorsed by any of the local celebrity chefs. Whether this was due to adherence to chefs' ethics, or poor taste on the part of politicians was not known. After all, it might be a poor career move to endorse the same candidate as the Lucky Dog Guy.

Anyway, the election was held; voters did what they do. The TV news persons strutted and fretted their hours on the air; and soon were heard no more. 

No local celebrity left town in a huff because his candidate lost. 





Tuesday, November 15, 2016

What About Neckties?

Why are neckties for men expected in semiformal dress; and even women in some cases?

The surprising origin of this garb apparently came from a group of Croatian mercenaries in King Louis XIV's hire wearing bits of cloth around their necks. The Sun King apparently found this to be stylish, so the custom of neckties took off. After all, this was at a time when if King Louis said "jump," everybody jumped. (It is not known what happened whenever he ever exclaimed "Merde!")

Anyway, the French word cravat comes from the French word for Croatia.

It got included in military uniforms; and hypermilitaristic Europe became increasingly neck tied over the next centuries.

By the 20th century, men's ties took on a general shape that has become ritualized, except for the ascot and the bowtie. Tie length and width may vary with fashions. At one time, skinny neckties were fashionable; but wide ties did a rebound, including the psychedelic "blow lunch" tie of the 1970's. I will leave you to figure that one out. But in the 1930's and 1940's, surprising patterns sometimes were used. Here's one that could serve to mark the ending of Prohibition:



And for guys who want to convince others that want to convince others that they are a sport who has all of his taste in his mouth and none in fashion sense. Don't wear this if you go out with a feminist:



Can this be an expression of sartorial freedom from the clutches of Prohibition and the military? This sort of neckware needs an explanation. However you may judge the wearer's taste, they are probably not good choices for job interviews, unless the person is interviewing for a job as a gangster or a bouncer at a gentleman's club. R-rated ties are generally not worn on Wall Street or in Congress, but things may change with the new administration.

How about a sedate Tabasco pepper tie?


Or maybe express pleasure for living in a particular state:


Finally, you can express loyalty to your favorite ailment, like swine flu. Or, at least,  a souvenir of being having been sick:


(Bit of sick humor!) I hope your day and your neck is trouble-free.




Saturday, November 12, 2016

Judy in Disguise (with Glasses)

As a satire on the then-current Beatles' song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," John Fred and His Playboy offered this song in the 1960's.  The lyrics are nonsense, but so was the old Beatles song:

Judy in disguise, well that's what you are
Lemonade pies with a brand new car
Cantaloupe eyes come to me tonight
Judy in disguise, with glasses

Keep a-wearing your bracelets and your new rara*
Cross your heart with your living bra
Chimney sweep sparrow with guise
Judy in disguise, with glasses

Come to me tonight, come to me tonight
Taking everything in sight
Except for the strings on my kite

Judy in disguise, hey that's what you are
Lemonade pie, hey got your brand new car
Cantaloupe eyes come to me tonight
Judy in disguise, with glasses

Come to me tonight, come to me tonight
Taking everything in sight, except for the strings to my kite
(Oh, uh oh, uhhh)

Judy in disguise, what you aiming for
A circus of horrors, yea yea, well that's what you are
You made me a life of ashes
I guess I'll just take your glasses.

This is offered just for fun after a tensing and possibly disappointing week for a lot of folk. It has a nice tempo and horns.

John Fred Gorrier was a musician and song writer from Baton Rouge. He co-wrote this with Andrew Bernard. Apparently, John Fred and the Playboy Band was a one-hit wonder group. This one made number 1 in the U.S., Germany, and Switzerland. It peaked at number 3 in Britain and Ireland.

*a short skirt, like cheerleaders wear


Thursday, November 10, 2016

Hissy Fit-Throwing as a Life Skill

Some colleges offer continuing education classes so that people can bolster professional standings and continue license eligibility. Others are offered to the lay public for diversion, to help with hobbies or to deal with daily problems, and (finally) to make more money to support administrators' salaries and athletic programs. Seriously, that's a hidden reason.

So, in addition to learning programming, performing arcane medical tests, creative accounting, public speaking, and the like there are courses in Elementary Massage, Stripping for Your Boyfriend, Basic Gardening, and the like. Oh yes, Photography and Calligraphy are common offerings in Continuing Education catalogue too.

One reason people have for taking these courses, in addition to professional certification, curiosity, and self-improvement is to use them as a vehicle for meeting other people.

But we should never underestimate the self-improvement aspect.

Recently, Coastal Georgia Community College included a course in Basic Hissy Fit Throwing among its offerings. This is logical, since Georgia girls are better as hissy fit-throwing than those from anywhere else.

Now any Southern girl knows that the best way to get your way, relieve tension, or to provide an excuse for make-up sex is to throw a hissy fit. Girls who were born in the Northeast don't instinctively have this useful manipulative skill: too bad! It's a fault of their educational background. However, Coastal Georgia Community College saw a need and possible interest in acquiring this skills. Besides, some of those Yankee girls recognize how empowering throwing a hissy fit has! Still, a poorly-executed hissy fit is less effective than none at all. After all, one should intimidate through one, not cause unbridled mirth!

What sort of skills? Such life skills as pouting, swearing with mild oaths, yelling, caterwhaling, foot-stomping, and even object-tossing. Generally, tossing some types of objects works better than others. It's better to throw crockery than pillows. Especially souvenir pillows commemerating that dirty weekend in Fort Walton Beach!

Think Brenda Jo on The Closer. You know darn well that she could use her charms and hissy fits to get her way, especially with Fritz or Chief Pope. Poor guys; bless their hearts.

Throwing a hissy fit is a skill acquired in late childhood or early adolescence. It is acquired and honed through practice, as research at the University of East Alabama has demonstrated. Further research indicated that later-acquirers of hissy fit throwing can, with extended effort, acquire sufficient hissy fit skills to deal effectively with most situations. It's good to have the nuclear option handy, if needed.

Georgia Coastal Community College was rewarded for its initiative by having maximum enrollment in its initial offering largely because of "-Rhoid Ladies.*"; and they offered two sections for the future. Furthermore, they planned to offer their unique class in three locations in the Northeast (Boston, New York, and New Haven) for enterprising Northeastern ladies who wish to expand their business and interpersonal skill base.

And at a cost a mere fraction of the cost of belonging to s top-notch sorority while going to a university.


*So-called because when they come down, and stay down, and complain about things, they can plumb be a pain in the ass.