The House Un-American Committee on Condiments

Congress, after creeping into rest room stalls, snooping into computers, taking issue with Spring Break, and other seemingly trivial parts of American life, wound up by declaring some things downright Un-American. Now they turned to condiments.

Word got out that the prototypical American sandwiches, the hot dog and the hamburger, have been appearing with alien seasonings that causes a watchdog Congressional committee to formally take action. They noted that the All-American hamburger, instead of being righteously adorned with mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup, tomato, pickle, lettuce, a slice of onion, and sometimes cheddar cheese, has been presented with other elements instead: boursin, bacon, barbecue sauce, green peppers, salsa, fried eggs, and even arugula! What next, peanut butter?

One hamburger chain even advertised "have it your way;" utterly at variance with commonly-accepted ways of how a hamburger should be decorated! Some of the midwestern Congresspersons suspected Red Chinese influences at work. Maybe seeing some vendors using soy sauce caused this worry.

As for hot dogs, instead of being rightly presented with mustard and ketchup (chili for the renegade southwestern crowd), sometimes jalapeño peppers and onions appeared, not †o mention the creeping Europeanism of some subversive chefs. Clearly, this called for Congressional action. All the hallmarks of the Avocado Mafia are present.

And you know what that means? Innumerable hearings, bringing a series of cooks, chefs, and vendors in and subjecting them to the shame of a Congressional grilling. The onion rings were identified as a tell-tale sign of creeping hamburger pomposity. And steep penalties were levied. 

A night café cook in Hattiesburg was hauled in for daring to putt chili on a hamburger! What an outrage! And in New Jersey some subversive was taken off the streets for putting marinara sauce on hamburgers and hot dogs. The spray cheese cartel was brought to heel, and what is left was †he God-fearing, wholesome American hamburger and hot dog garnished in the approved ways. 

Having vanquished these alarming trends, the Committee vowed to look into the critical toilet paper matter next: The subversive under-the-roll insurgents seemed to increase in numbers, especially among the hipsters. A lot of our recent decadence can be blamed on hipsters.

Happy July, Dear Friends! Have it your way, whatever that might be. Celebrate your independence from arbitrary culinary or fashion rules.

(For the record, I don't like my-neez (mayonnaise) on mine or anything else.)