Saturday, September 20, 2014

The Red-Headed Schoolteacher Gives Advice on Love

Hello, you uns.....I'm Tammy, the red-headed school teacher from Mt. Brushy; and I have some timely advice to make your love life more successful and enjoyable.  You know, guys: a little long-range planning can come in handy, even though most of you are not really into that as a life strategy.  You really, really miss out on a lot of the good feelings that go with mountain courtship by your emphasis on immediate results.  You got to win her over, if you expect any North Carolina lovin', if you know what I mean.  

First of all, if you see someone you fancy, call her for a date a few days before.  Asking on the same day gives a girl the feelin' that she's an afterthought.  

Secondly, take a bath or shower before each date with her, even if it isn't Saturday night.  Use deodorant while you're at it.  Who knows?  You might get lucky.

Thirdly, set the stage for a successful evening by bringing her a bouquet of flowers.  Get them at the supermarket, not from a cemetery! 

 Of course, plan with care the specific activity you are inviting her on.  A sophisticated movie in Asheville and a visit to a coffee shop is fine, as is a nice dinner out.  Don't take her for coffee at the gas station, even if they have those flavored coffees!  

Now here's the hard part: do some serious talking with her.  But be careful: don't talk about your brother getting drunk, your time in jail, old girl friends, sore toes, or NC State football if she's a Tarheel fan!  Of course, if she's a Wolfpack fan, she's no good for you.  Being seen with her will cause your kinfolk no end of shame and embarrassment!

Be respectful of her kinfolks, even the ones who served time in prison. 

If she has a yen to go to church on Sunday, take her.  Or a chick flick.  Of course, if she expresses a desire to see some NASCAR, by all means.  Don't mind her fancy on Jeff Gordon.  He's really hot!

If the one you are trying to woo reads real books, then by all means read some good quality ones yourself.  Pro tip: she's not likely to be impressed that you read Tom Clancy or Lee Childs.

As for attempts at intimacy with her, it's best to move slowly.  Don't try to get her intoxicated.  

And, never, never try doing that with wine that comes in a box!

Answer her texts ASAP; and start some on your own.  But to really impress her, try your hand at a sonnet.  Really, you need to get beyond that "Roses are red, violets are blue ...." formula.

Go all out on Valentine's Day to make her feel special.

Finally, remember you all:  Whatever she wants, she gets, especially if she's a redhead!


the walking man said...

Oh good lord, this advice only works until the ring is one the finger, then the rules take a radical turn except the last one...Whatever she wants, she gets, especially if she's a redhead!

After 30 years I know the two responses, "yes dear, you're right" and "when do you want to go out and get it."

And after all this time together getting lucky means watching television without having to answer 2 questions every three minutes.

Linda Kay said...

Angel, true advice to a redneck who hasn't been brung up right! The trick from the lady is to be able to see through all the wooing to what that person will be in the long run, so she can really get what she wants.

TexWisGirl said...

'answer her texts asap and start some of your own.' true!

Cloudia said...


Mike said...

Will talking about friends in prison be good enough? I haven't got any relatives there. That I know of.

Deena said...

Good advice!

John Hill said...

Angel, are you a red-head?

Anonymous said...

these are good things to know, - and not even that hard to do.

Insane Penguin said...

Good advice for Florida lovin' too.

Bilbo said...

I'm married to a redhead. Good advice.