Friday, November 16, 2012

From Derp to Eternity

Now seems to be the Winter of so many peoples' discontent, and they have anticipated real winter by several weeks -- but never mind the technicalities!  The inexorable movement toward Derfdom proceeds!

Well, we have the media story that never quits now.  The recent election?  Old news!  No, the current favorite is a story that just seems to get curiouser and curiouser with time:  Four-star generals that were messing around, the C.I..A., the F.B.I., and God knows who else will be aboard before it's all over!  Will somehow the Knights Templar be behind the Total Picture, or will it be the Trilateral Commission?  Well, we find out that sometimes the F.B.I. does favors, and agents may pose topless!  (It's a guy agent . . . . peace!)  Or maybe we can just blame it on  the New York Yankees or the Bossa Nova, maybe . . . .

And, suddenly we have Secession Fever upon us!  As last seen, there are at least 40 petitions to the White House calling for their state to secede from the Union!  Texas, not surprisingly, leads the pack; bad ideas come from there like they were generated by a Problem-Solving Task Force!  Uh, I don't think that's how to do it.

I can imagine this scenario:

White House:  "We're sorry that you're disappointed with our marriage; but let's do this break up peaceably for sake of the children . . . ."

State of _______:  "W. T. F.?"

The whole thing sounds like some kind of fad generated by a radio talk show host.  Anyway, are the signatures  real?  How many times has the usual faux names appeared on the lists?  Anyway, might people from some other state sign a petition to have New Jersey or some other state secede?  I didn't know people would feel that strongly about Snooki!  At least two governors, Bill Halsam of Tennessee and Rick Perry of Texas, have denounced secession as a bad idea.*

A pregnant woman, disappointed with last week's election of President Obama, tried to run down her husband (literally) decause he didn't vote!  And to make it totally derp, her state (Arizona) went for Romney!  Isn't that overkill?  All Tom Hanks wanted to do was to spank nonvoters.  Presumably with a hairbrush, I hope.

I'll hold out for Johnny Depp!

As for more strangeness, actress, model, authority on autism and immunology Jenny McCarthy reported in one of her books that she discovered the joys of having sex with a tree while on ecstasy!!  No information as to whether the tree was consensual or not.  Maybe we should be simply stunned by the preposterousness of it all.  Or maybe she is an environmentalist who simply misconstrued what is meant by tree-hugger?

But don't lose heart!  Here's Judge Judy in a bikini for her 70th birthday!

And Pete Wells, NY Times food critic, did an over the top review of Guy Fieri's restaurant in Times Square.  More bitchery than factual, it went viral.

My dear friend's take on it:

"Using the New York Times food critic for advice when going out to eat is like going to war with an accordion."

But maybe the Apocalypse is upon us!  The seals have been broken, and I hear hoofbeats in the background!  Naw, it's just the Great American Derp slouching toward Bethlehem, PA.  As further evidence for this, apparently PeTA was successfully able to get an injunction against the Great North Carolina Possum Drop.  Boo!  I'd like to drop a PeTA member!

What the United States needs is a cabinet-level Department of Derp, because apparently this is becoming an important national issue and is too large to be left to the individual states.  And getting the Federal Government involved in derpdom seems appropriate, given Congress and the Executive Branch.

*You can find this and other petitions at the "We the People" White House site.  There's even one in which Austin wishes to secede from Texas and remain in the U.S.  You can check this and other petitions at this site:


Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Judge Judy is hot! More so than Katy Couric.

Can Huntsville secede from the rest of Alabama? Maybe I'll petition the White House.

Mike said...

Maybe the seceders can just go back to their country of origin. If they are to genetically diversified by now we can cut them up and give each country a little piece. Heaven knows we could use a little peace.

Jon Frum said...

I hope California secedes. There's no excuse for idiots.

Grand Crapaud said...

I read the New York Times food critic's review. He came across as a total dilweed jerk. His review was so suspiciously a hatchet job more than anything else. Guy Fieri's programme, and his food, are more for fun than for food snobbery. It's the kind of food that appeals to us in flyover country.

But why should we trust the New York Times, anyway?

Big Sky Heidi said...

The "We the People" site has been degraded because of fake petitions not necessarily even coming from the states in question.

I wondered about making one up myself. How about Six Senators for Tennessee because it's awesome?

Kristen Lavransdrittsekkdatter said...

Those petitions are silly, if not treasonous.