Tom the Tapir

Secretary: Mr. Royce, there's a pig to see you about being in a show.

Royce: Come in Mr. Pig. I'm afraid that we have a surfeit of swine here in 'Vegas. It would take a remarkable talent to become a headliner. Have you any references?

Tom the Tapir: Actually, Sir, I'm a tapir. And tapirs in your dreams have the function of eating nightmares. But I'm afraid that the nightmare that is Las Vegas is too indigestible for even the most intrpeid tapir, so I want to be in show business. I think that it would fit in with my artistic sensibilities and temperament. As for that, I am taking Prozac to deal with those issues. I might mention that my name is Tom, and I'm from Lubbock.

Royce: What can you do that's so entertaining?

Tom: Well, Mr. Royce, I can sing. And dance. [Does a neat little number with a straw hat and cane.]

Royce: Hmmm, may have something there. What kinds of dances do you know?

Tom: mostly polkas and line dances. But I was briefly with the Texas Ballet. I had to quit because I dropped too many ballerinas doing grand jetés.

Royce: No, polkas, line dancing, and ballet are not what the Las Vegas crowd prefers. Can you learn tap?

Tom: I suppose so. I'm the most graceful tapir in southern Nevada. But what kind of tune should I tap to:?

Royce: Something easy, like "Tea for Two," maybe? And you need to ditch those speedoes. How about a nice tuxedo? Remember, you're going against Wayne Newton and Jay Leno here, and the audiences expect classiness in Las Vegas entertainment. We need to liven the act up further. Can you dance while holding candles in each hoof?

Tom the Tapir: I can do it. Easy. I've studied multitasking at the Recreation Department.

Royce: Very good. Now, how about doing a trial appearance at the Tradewinds? While it doesn't pay much, you could also eat from the Mexican buffet there to supplement your salary.

Tom the Tapir: It's a deal. When do I start?

So, while Mr. Royce was pleased to find an unusual act for a difficult client, he suddenly had an intrusive thought:

"Oy veh! I have booked for a trial appearance a tux-wearing Tom the Tempermental Texas Tapir holding a taper and tap dancing to "Tea for Two" for tacos at the Tradewinds."