Fashion Advice for Specialized Occasions

Reading Cathy in the funnies (not my usual habit), we se that she is undergoing considerable angst over what is the best choice of dress to wear at the wedding of her ex-boy friend: to make him long for her, to regret that possibility passing by, to appear to be the perfect goddess that got away...I don't know, but that was one of those situations that might call for a careful choice of clothing.

Some of you might remember that in an earlier posting I mentioned that there is a correct type of fashion to wear when attending dog fights (also called canine altercations). To wear the wrong thing is a true social faux pas in some of the rural parishes along the Mississippi (other than East Baton Rouge, which is the Heart of Darkness for fashion as well as other reasons). Anyway, for the fashionably correct, here are some of those other 'difficult' situations, as I see them. This is what an evil pop tart would propose to wear when:

1. Junior has gotten in trouble and you must talk to the teacher? Dress conservatively but no power suits; try to give her the impression that Junior's misconduct is an anomaly in an otherwise well-ordered family. [Thank goodness I have no children; if I did, they would be exemplary (ROTFL).

2. Date with a Man of Respect? Long dress, cautious décolletage, heels, expensive jewelry. Don't look like an extra from Showgirls; you might be introduced to his Mama or to his brother who is a Monseigneur. Contrary to stereotypes, they like clever, self-assured women and find airheads to be tiresome.

3. You apply for a job at a head shop? Work shirt, no make-up, torn jeans, flip-flops, stoned look. In short, look like you might have no problem sitting or standing for hours and doing little.

4. You have Saturday morning detention? Dress for comfort, but minimally comply with any dress code such as may still be in existence. Bare midriffs may go without remarks; t-shirts with rude slogans may result in a repeat visit the following Saturday. A mandatory accessory is a sneer or a 'lost soul' look. No shoes, no shirt, no service.

5. You must meet the Archbishop? Dress like you are going to a job interview at a major Midwestern university or Sunday dinner at Maw-maw's. Call him "Your Excellency," not "Dude."

6. You are in the end zone of the Superdome? Black and gold motif; if the team is doing poorly, wear a grocery bag with eyeholes over your head. Wear something that doesn't get hurt by beer stains.

7. You're on a fishing trip? Anything old that you don't mind getting bloody, mussed-up, or into salt water. Wear a sun hat of some kind. Wear sneakers, as you might catch a catfish or a sting ray.

8. Opening Day at the Fair Grounds or for the Kentucky Derby? Dress like for a tea or a lawn party. Go easy on the juleps. This is an occasion that if you look less than perfect, your family will be living it down a generation later.

9. Late night at a coffee shop? whatever

10. You are audited by the I.R.S.? Dress like a slob, refrain from bathing, use no deodorant. Act inbred. The idea is to give them the idea that you are too stupid to cheat and too poor to have anything to cheat with. In short, the longer you are in there, the more likely they will give you a painful fiscal extraction. Give them a reason to see the south of you ASAP.

11. You will attend a fraternity party? If in a sorority, wear the uniform (pin required) and blank look. If a GDI, dress like a beatnik cat woman (1950's retro chick style), look bemused.

12. You are burglarizing a bank? Your emsemble should meld both practicality and fashion, just in case you be apprehended. You want to be a credit to your family and look your best in your mug shot!

13. You plan to go to night court? Assume the look of sleaze; be spacy. Bloodshot eyes makes a convincing statement.

14. You are an ornamental 'companion' for a bravo going to a Gulf Coast casino? Does the expression 'top of the line call girl' mean anything? Use industrial-strength perfume.

15. You will tend bar? If you are the actual mixologist, then dress severely: hair up, white blouse, black pants, flats. If you look like Little Bo-Peep, then no one will believe you know the recipe for a Rusty Nail or a French 75 or a serious martini.

16. You will sell Lucky Dogs? Wear blue jeans, a LSU sweat shirt, and a trench coat. Mumble to yourself. Charge people for letting them take your picture.

17. You're in the Legislature? I have no basis of making judgments about the legislatures of other states, but if you give our worthies in Bee-Are a cheap suitcase, then they would like they were released from Angola. Rule of thumb: dress simply; don't try to upstage them. Wear shoes with rubber soles: that slimy silver stuff on the floor is snail trails.

18. You're a computer jock? As long as it's holey, it's okay. Also, some visible piercings and a hair color not found in nature will do the job. The compleat jock has four cups of convenience-store coffee under his or her belt.

19. You're hanging out with a Texas oil type? Either the cowgirl or the sophisticated look would do it. Choose what is more fun.

20. You're playing 'swamp girl' for a swamp tour? Cut-off jeans, tied-up blouse, tennis shoes with holes, baseball hat, fake accent. Make 'em think going in a swamp is really dangerous.

21. Your going to 6:00 AM mass, St. Louis Basilica? Wear whatever, these are the French Quarter types and 80% of them are in the bag already.