The "I Believe" License Tag

At the instigation of evangelistic Christians, Florida and South Carolina have entertained proposals for "I Believe" license plates. The idea failed in Florida, but got adopted in South Carolina. The plate in question featured the motto on the bottom: "I Believe," with an image of a stained glass window and a cross on the left:

While these certainly seem to violate the Establishment Clause regarding religion, there should also be some room for Freedom of Choice and self-expression. I'm libertarian enough for that.

But how can there be a reconciliation of the desire to keep Church and State separate, while still encouraging self-expression? I think I have an idea.

Have the state issue a generic "I Believe" license plate, with space on the left for the purchaser to affix any decal of their choice in that space on the left. So, if they wish a religious tag, they can come up with their own Cross or Crucifix. Or Star of David. Or Buddha.  Or Islamic crescent. Or Darwin's picture (maybe the young one, though).  Or favorite university logo. Or a beer mug. Or Democratic Party or Republican Party symbol. Or Starbuck's mermaid. Or gay rainbow. My point is that people have lots of different things that they believe in, and they also deserve an opportunity of airing their beliefs. Especially if they're willing to pay an extra $25 or so to the state for that privilege. 

I believe in encouraging pole dancing as an art form. The pole dance is one of the lively arts; but I don't think that the current state tag to "Support the Arts" had that in mind. Therefore, I would like my "I Believe" tag to feature a pole dancer.

A Self-Indulgence for the Beach

Let's jump the gun on the SI Swimsuit Issue.

Finding the right swimsuit is not easy.  There's so many factors to weigh in: stylishness, acceptability, color, comfort, security, and so forth.

This crocheted bikini top and bottom was pricy; but too tempting to pass up!  It's sufficiently opaque enough in the right places to be modest.  I like the understated color and texture.  The attractive fringe serves to de-emphasize a small bust and possible tummy adipose tissue.

Taa-daa!  All I need is for Lent to pass and the weather to warm up quite a bit!

[Model]

Sakura the Pot Princess

As a fairy, Sakura had an unfortunate work history: she started off as the Cherry Blossom Fairy; but she overtested the elixir on herself and became sleepy herself instead of giving humans Spring Fever.  After other false starts, she become the Fruitcake Fairy, and turned a tidy profit by lacing those inedible products with alcohol despite her not being over 21 at that time.  When she and other fairies were pink slipped, they worked as ronin cheerleaders, making a go of it for a while.

And, she was rumored to be in control of the lighting at the recent Super Bowl; but the real culprit was voodoo!  That is for true!  It seems that the N.F.L. did not get sufficient goofus dust or John the Conquerer or other gris-gris to handle a major spectator event.  As for the minature dolls, they were re-branded as minature Forty-Niner or Ravens players and sold to rebid fans.  Even practitioners of the voodoo arts know modern business techniques.

Anyway, Sakura temporarily got a job on the wait staff of a restaurant that specialized in hot wings, but she found the clientele to be ungenteel.  As a matter of fact, the guys could be rambunctous.

So she meandered over to St. Tammany Parish where it's always 4:20 and she became a herb gardener.  Apparently, Sakura was in her metier: having transparent wings was not out of place there where the Honey Island Swamp Monster also roams!  Her cilantro grew tall in the early Spring, and it was followed by oregano, lavender, sweet basil, chives, rosemary, mint, parsley, a cornicopia of herbal crops to delight the discriminating palate!  She noticed that some of her prime customers seemed to be unconventional herb lovers, especially for her oregano.  In questioning one of them further, it seemed that they were cutting their own product, marijuana, with oregano.  (They make a nice additive to brownies or fudge, too: see Alice B. Toklas brownies in Wikipedia.)

As someone said after trying some:  "You're doing a heckuva job, Brownie!"

This miffed her, to say the least.  Sakura believed strongly in pure products and wanted no part of pot-adulterating.  She was a strong believer in the Sixth Commandment (the Seventh, for some Protestants).  So she decided to take countermeasures.

Now St. Tammany Parish is easy shipping distance to New Orleans and Biloxi, and she soon developed a fine product widely known as St. Tammany Scented Gold.  Funny thing: she was finally able to spread widespread drowsiness to humans; but they also developed an incredible sense of the munchies.  Those leftover whiskey-laced fruitcakes camme in handy.  For others, Fritos would do in a pinch.

Never underestimate the power of a good fairy.  But especially a slightly bad fairy!

 

Making Trouble on Campus

It's really expected of you as a college student unless you're a SGA wonk: you're going to find some little way to annoy the people in the Division of Student Affairs. Now I have a theory about these people: they're hired to annoy students with various rules and regulations to keep the Good Name (such as it is) of the University in proper status. Actually, they are the worthy descendents of the Puritan Fathers and Mothers. Am I imagining things, or do they privately refer to each other as "Goodman" or "Goody" and persist in wearing those sober clothes even in the nonserious state of Florida? As least faculty members find that student attentions are directed adversely toward these Student Affairs people, and not to them despite sometimes unfair examinations.

Well, making trouble is my forté. And here are some fool-proof strategies to annoy the Dean even though there are no longer any dress codes or dorm hours:

1. Sponsor some disreputable event, like a wet t-shirt contest. This is particularly upsetting if an academic club does so.

2. Spread rumors about wild doings on road trips that in fact were nonexistent.

3. Demand student participation on the Board of Regents or the Council of Deans.

4. Protest the rising cost of tuition.

5. Decorate statuary on campus. One status has been provided with bras so often as to be a cliché.

6. Develop a protest movement asking/demanding better seats at football games. This will cause the alumni money boys to have a conniption fit, as students are supposed to be safely tucked into the end zone.

7. Decorate the dorm or apartment building with those plastic flamingoes.

8. Start a spontaneous pep rally in front of the Prez's house at midnight.

9. Start a movement to abolish Student Government.

10. Start a movement to change the school mascot. No joke. The students at some institutions have successfully gotten their teams named the Aardvarks, the Wonder Boys, the Banana Slugs, the Billikens, and the Ragin' Cajuns. Why should students be content with team names like the Tigers or Lions?

11. Park in the Dean's personal parking space.

12. Flagpoles can be used for flying other things besides flags. Use your imagination here.

13. Put together an outlaw group to participate in the Campus Singing Contest. Develop an a capella medley of the songs of Avril Lavigne for the performance, and end it with the appropriate "Who Let the Dogs Out."

14. Despite being passé, some campuses still sponsor "Miss Whatever" beauty contests. Get your out-of-bounds club to sponsor you. Ham it up satirically. (Psychology or Chemistry Clubs are generally hotbeds of campus sedition.)

15. Point out that you can get textbooks much more cheaply from on-line vendors than at the University Bookstore.

16. Start a rumor that some controversial radio talk show host will appear on campus. Let everyone get in a tizzy.

17. Ask for Open Mike nights in the Student Union. Recite free verse. Even better to a bongo drum. Hey, that's retro!

18. Disreputable meetings. Now this is a page from the faculty. On one campus there was a Friday Prayer Group that set aside a room for their meeting. A Friday Non-Prayer Group requested time for the same room in the very next hour.

19. If all else fails, you can wear Daisy Dukes to Student Government meetings.

20.  Do something legendary, like some M.I.T. students did when they stole Cal Tech's cannon:

Naturally, this deed practically begged for retaliation from the techies at Cal Tech, who were equally up to creativity in making mischief.



M.I.T. pranksters with their booty.



419.

Professor Longhair Playing "Go To the Mardi Gras"

Here's Professor Longhair, singing the unofficial song of the New Orleans Mardi Gras.  Just turn on the sound for this catchy tune, if you please, and let the good times roll!

 

For those that prefer the really old Mardi Gras song, here's "If I Ever Cease to Love."  When Russian Grand Duke Alexei Alexandrovitch visited in 1872, they heard that it was his favorite song.  Accordingly, every band in the parade played that tune.

 

It's pretty lame, isn't it? 

 

 

 

Grand Duke Alexei must have gotten tired of it by the time the parade was over.

 

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I'm sorry about yesterday's slip in which I accidently posted a fragment of something I was working on.

 

Fantasy Girl

Most fantasizers tend to embody their fantasy girls with remarkable beauty, awesome powers, and striking intelligence.  As a matter of fact, there is a subcategory of both Shujo and Shonen anime for magical or fantasy girls.  (Princess Lum is one.)

When legendary female roles are cast for movies, they're more likely to cast Angelina Jolie than Calista Flockhart.   In these instances, there is a liberal release of imagination and wishing upon a star going on.

Here's a representative fantasy girl: tall, stern, brunette, wielding a large sword.  She could probably best you both in math and in arm-wrestling!  Besides, she has great legs and is not loath to let you know it.  Definitely she is a fantasy girl for guys; she's not wearing outstanding shoes!  We would incorporate some F*** Me Shoes as part of the fantasy.  It's part of a winning through intimidation strategy.

Whether an Otaku or a Heisman-seeking football player, always go for the Gold when making up a fantasy girl!

 

But what about those truly imagination-deprived guys out there?  They must make do however they can.  Could there be someone out there that has fantasies about Rachel from Cardholders Services?  I'm sure there are people who wonder about her.  They obviously need help.  Especially if they give her their card number so that they could talk dirty to her.

As American as . . . .

We're a nation of contentious people, as each national election demonstrates to the nth degree. But, after 236+ years of national history, we have managed to get some elements of commonality.

First off, let's tick off a few things that are not entirely among these elements of commonality:

1.  A common language.  Well, most of us sort of speak English; but we have a number of minority languages and one that is sufficiently often used anough to appear on signs in big box hardware stores.  And, as for English monophones, do not the words "coke, soda, and pop" cause difficulties also?  Then there are regionalisms, like "tote" or "fixin" or "yah."

2.  A shared love of freedom and democracy, but on our own terms.  If so, why does both the left and the right want to abridge some form of behavior that others find enjoyable, whether it be cola beverages or paté or strip tease shows or pistolas?

3.  A common religion.  While few of us worship graven images, a lot of us worship engraved images: the Benjamins.

So what do we really have in common?

1.  Well, we do have a national sport.  While nostalgia-prone individuals refer to baseball as our national sport, football has a larger claim on hearts and minds.  Otherwise, why are we singing Super Bowl Carols now and will religiously watch to see which commercial is the  most imaginative and most awful?  Basketball is a consolation activity for the rest of the year; but it is hot in regions like Indiana, Kentucky, and North Carolina.

2.  We also have a national food.  Hamburger.  Don't inquire too closely into its condiments, which can include chili, mushrooms, lettuce, onions, mustard, Cajun spices, bacon, cheese, and even pineapple.  In the interests of national comity, don't mention those to muddy the waters, but benignly bless all.  Pizza and tacos are up there, too.

3.  We've not quite resolved our national pie, but probably apple or cherry will be the one.  Which one it will be is dependent on which one is adopted as the dessert by food chains.

4.  When it comes to beverages, we're quite cosmopolitan in our tastes; but the true national beverage is a cola-flavored one.  Sorry, California.  It's Coke, not wine.

5. Yes, we have a national gesture.  The bird.  I've even seen octogenarian ladies flip off other drivers with this all-American salute.
 
6.  Americans of both sexes are obsessed with breasts, if we can glean a recurrent theme in gossip magazines.  And you can get yours technically augmented, also, should you so desire and have an extra $6000 of discretionary funds.  Some women exploit this national weakness for their own advantage.

7.  We're also obsessed with automobiles.  The more powerful and brighter, the better.  As a token of our affection for them, they get strange model names.  However, for many of us, the affections begin to fade after a few years.

8.  Yes, we like our guns. Effete East Coast liberals notwithstanding, a sure formula for a successful movie is to throw in a lot of cars and guns.  And explosions, too.

9.  We're very good at profanity; even in the vanilla programming of prime-time television.  As a matter of fact, even the French, the Germans, and the English take profanity lessons from us!  And George Carlin's "seven words you can't say on television" is almost quaint.

10.  An American a trait as can be is the ingrained distrust of people from nearby states, the elite within the Beltway, and New Jersey. 

11.  An American characteristic that is undermentioned is our refusal to be impressed with people in power.  We periodically elect Presidents and Governors, but we tend to show a nonpartisan distrust of those officials after having done so.  In a way, this is to be expected of the descendants of people who emigrated from more established society because they could not or did not fit in for social, cultural, religious, or economic reasons.  The idea of having a President's picture on display in a living room would be only for those safely dead by at least 150 years.  Still, we're curious about details about them.  Boxers or briefs?  No, that detail does not apply with Vice-Presidents!

12.  Strangely, we have a strong affinity for royalty of other countries: their doings, their style of life, their scandals.  And what's even better: we don't have to pay for them or be taxed by them!  Maybe we could lease one as our official royal person?  Choose a handsome, flamboyant one, please!