Some Jokes

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 130 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 110 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" 

Kim responded, "Oh, Wauwa, it was wousy."

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A salesman went out of town for business. After a couple of weeks he came home and told his wife about it. 

"Guess what dear, I earned 4000 dollars by selling 50 mattresses and 30 pairs of panties." 

The wife replied, "Really, well with just one mattress and no panties I earned twice as much." 
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Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.

“If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, which only cost tirty dollas a month, the gubmint pays you benefishary $400,000.”

"Now, which ones of you do you think are gonna be sent first?"

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—A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing when life begins. The priests says, “It begins at conception.

The minister says, “Life begins at 24 weeks gestation.”

The rabbi says, “You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids move out of the house and the dog dies.”

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A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with young, gorgeous, single, women."

"Well let's go next Friday then!"

"Aye, and that's where the problem lies. Like I said, it was all you can drink, so I had my fill and my memory is pretty fuzzy. All I can remember about the place is it had big purple double doors in the front and a golden toilet in the restroom."

"A golden toilet?"

"Aye, a golden toilet. Even in my blacked out state I can remember thinking how strange it was for the toilet to be painted gold."

The pair decide they are going to find this bar with the $2 drinks, gorgeous gals, big purple doors, and a golden toilet. The next Friday they head out and catch a cab. They explain to the cab driver what they are looking for and he says it doesn't sound familiar, but if it's in this city he will find it.

So, after driving all over town without much luck they finally pull up to this little dive bar and lo and behold it has over-sized double doors painted a bright purple. The guy gets excited and tells his buddy, "I think this is it!"

The bar hasn't opened up yet for the night, but they notice the bartender bringing out a bag of trash to the dumpster, so they go over to ask him about it.

"Hey, does this place have golden toilets?"

The bartender is confused. "What?!?"

"Does this place have golden toilets? I was in the best bar of my life last week and the only thing I can remember is it has purple doors like this one and a golden toilet in the men's room."

The bartender thinks for a minute, seems to realize what is going on, then opens up the door to bar and yells, "Hey Sam, I think I found the guy that took a dump in your tuba!"