The Great Campus T-P Scandal

Campus life can be bizarre at times, even back in the days when goldfish-swallowing and panty raids were in vogue. But to combine a small complaint with a peaceful protest has a lot of win to it.

It all started quite unexpectedly. In both the dorms and the classroom toilets a coarse brand of one-ply toilet paper that was routinely used was the norm. Older faculty members would refer to it as John Wayne toilet paper. Now, gentle reader, you might be wondering why, so let me enlighten you:

It's called that because it's rough, it's tough, and it takes no crap off of anyone.

Anyway, Megan, a sophomore journalism major, slipped into a faculty rest room in the Administration building for a quick visit that was, technically, in space that was illicit to those of her lowly status. The room had cloth cloths, hot and cold faucets that both work, sufficient heat, potpourri, and....oh my blessed heaven!....soft-two ply toilet paper!

Megan realized the potentially scandalous implications of this, so she smuggled the special rolls of toilet paper out of the administrators' Ladies' room and went directly to the campus newspaper office, where she informed the student editor of the shocking find!

Even better, the Faculty Advisor was out of town, on a weekend tryst with the Department Secretary. So the story could be written and set in print without being seen by the gimlet eyes of the Advisor.

The paper was duly printed; and delivered by 10 A.M. on Monday morning. A few copies were picked up; and by the time a copy circulated up to the administration, the cat was metaphorically out of the bag! (A journalism major would never write that it was literally out of the bag.)

So a few students grumbled, and a steering committee was formed to protest the John Wayne toilet paper, as it became known. (A cinema professor was pleased that many students learned about that great Hollywood thespian; others learned also that a thespian was an actor, and was not someone who engaged in an unnatural, lurid act!)

Anyway, circulars were printed, banners were produced, and 2000 students mobilized to protest coarse institutional toilet paper!

The Faculty got into the act when they realized that ordinary faculty had to be content with the cheap stuff, and the Faculty Senate formed a committee to study the toilet paper situation at the University. They at least mused that their hineys deserved soft toilet paper because they had Ph.D. degrees!

Anyway, the Administration dealt with the problem in the usual way. They promised to shift over to soft, two-ply toilet paper for all as soon as the supply of the old ran out. That bought them time; and they raised student parking permit prices to offset the increased cost.

And some supple intellects among the students saw this as a demonstration of how government worked.

I wrote this as a story. But strangely enough, Ryerson University in Canada actually did have a protest over toilet paper.