We Need to Go In for Soccer and Other Sports

Let's face it: while professional football and baseball are well-followed in America, we are out of step with what the rest of the world considers big time sport. For some reason, they're caught up in soccer, which they have the temerity to call "football"! But, we set ourselves open for criticism when the our World Series is staged, and only American teams and one little bitty Canadian team are eligible! And . . . . let's be real, folks: the game with Gisele Bündchen's husband and the sinister coaches was upstaged by the Left Shark!

Clearly, we need to ramp up our soccer here. After all, it can be played also by ordinary-sized guys and women! And it provides a convenient venue for spectators and players to wear outrageous or even sexy costumes, and engage in recreational hooliganism while lustily cheering their gladiators...er, players! 

Part of the problem is the creeping expansion of seasons. Consider this: football dominates the sports news from August to February. There's a brief flurry of interest in basketball (longer for the absurd Hollywood Laker fans), and then there's the dull tedium of baseball. I think what the President needs to do is limit those seasons! If that could be blamed on the Republicans, so much the better!

Right now, there only a teeny gap in sports coverage from February to mid-March, if you exclude the Swimsuit Issue season of February. Maybe we can slip soccer in there, and start baseball a little later.

What about hockey? Well, the Canadians are too tough for us; and hockey won't play well for relaxing the natural aggressiveness of Southerners! So that's a no-go, except in benighted places as Boston and New York. (How about them Broons?)

And maybe fit in beach volleyball for late summer. Actually, although this is regionally limited sport, it does have possibility in that it is singularly American, we do it well, and we can routinely kick the rest of the world's collective asses when it comes to beach volleyball. Now all we need is for those Midwest farmers' daughters to make us feel alright by taking up beach volleyball in style!

Ain't America grand? We still have the wherewithal to kick European butts like we did in the old days. We just need a proper focus.

A French soccer cartoon.