Cowgirl Melinda Checks Out Congress

Some situations are just not safe for a sheltered, middle-of-the-road Western woman. Now Cowgirl Melinda was used to camping out on the lone prairie, going into tame places such as Buffalo, Ten Sleep, or even Cheyenne, but she went into dangerous territory when she went to Washington to see what all the fuss was about, and charm those good ole boys and gals running the place to see some reason, for a change.

So she goes into this big damned building with a pretty dome, and she is told she had to check her gun. So Melinda goes, "Cool. They sell drinks while you watch the show." But what she sees is mostly long-winded guys and a few women who talk on and on, stand around, scratch their crotches, and pass all kinds of motions. She decided that it's some kind of game for uncoordinated people to get some exercise.

She asked a man next to her, "How do you tell the Democrats from the Republicans?" The dude did not know; only saying that Republicans wear shorter hair than Democrats. Otherwise, they wear dark gray suits, with a bright-colored tie. One or two of them wore ties with nekkid ladies on 'em, so Melinda asked if either represented Wyoming. She was relieved at a negative answer, I guess.

She stayed around a bit; but nothing seemed to happen. So she asks a guard, "How much them fellows get for being here?"

The guard says, "$174,000 a year."

Melinda goes, "Are they also part-time football coaches? They sure don't work very hard for their money. Maybe they oughta get paid by the bill passed and maybe we would get some work out of that shiftless lot." But then she thought that the bills they do pass do some mischief. 

Then she noticed some fat cats talking animatedly to the elected officials, so Melinda asked the guard politely: "Who are those hombres?" "Miss, those are lobbyists." 

"They sure don't look like bell boys, do they?" 

By now she got  the lay of the land, so she didn't ask about the big gals following the lawmakers around. "I see they got a stable of whores, don't they?"

 "Dear lady, those are Congressional Assistants." The man winked while saying that, and Melinda wasn't going to let any East Coast dude make a pass at her, no Ma'am, even if he was a Capitol guard!

Still, she was curious. They all seemed to have spiffy haircuts. The guard told her that the Senators have their own barber shop so that they would look good on C-SPAN if their constituents happen to flip by while looking for some afternoon talk show or ESPN. 

Melinda asked, "Can you get a pedicure there?" 

"No, but they could get manicures until budget constraints caused them to drop that service." The things you learn if you ask the right questions.  Melinda thought that they probably don''t do bikini waxes, either.

But there's more. Congresspersons have their own gym, and they get free parking at Dulles and Reagan airports. They get to lease cars as an expense and help increase traffic on the beltway. And they get to go on fact-finding junkets to swell places as Paris or Stockholm; rarely to places such as Ubzekistan or Sudan. Finally, they have a retirement benefits that are so much better than the real working stiffs. It's like a bribe to make them go away.

Cowgirl Melinda said, "Not bad for a bunch of steers eating at the public trough. At least they're not in Wyoming."