Some Quotes of P. J. O'Rourke

P. J. O'Rourke is a humorist, satirist, and political commentator. He is the author of Parliament of Whores, Give War a Chance, Republican Party Reptile, and Holidays in Hell. He has a way with words. Here are a few of his zingers:

No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by a man dressed as a liberal.

I am a student of stupidity. I am a political reporter.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Giving money to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Never fight an inanimate object.

The 20th century was a test bed for big ideas: fascism, communism, the atomic bomb.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Ending wars is very simple if you surrender.

Term limits isn't enough. We need jail.

Political systems are run by self-selected politicians. We don't draft people; it's not jury duty.

Everyone knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high-powered rifle and scope.

A hat should be taken off when greeting a lady, and left off the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

I wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad.

In its worse forms, conservatism is a matter of 'I hate strangers and anything that is different.'

Politics should be limited in scope to war, protection of property, and the occasional precautionary beheading of a member of the ruling class.

Politics is the attempt to achieve power and prestige without merit.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things that are bought and sold are legislators.

The U.S. Constitution is less than a quarter the length of the owner's manual for a 1998 Toyota Camry, and yet it has managed to keep 300 million of the world's most unruly, passionate and energetic people safe, prosperous and free.

Drugs have taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system.

Liberals are always proposing perfectly insane ideas, laws that will make everybody happy, laws that will make everything right, make us live forever, and all be rich. Conservatives are never that stupid.

Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise.

The three branches of government: money, television, and bullshit.

A very quiet and tasteful way to become famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.

One thing that's certain about going outdoors: When you come back inside, you'll be scratching.