Colorful Similes for "As Useless as . . . ."

It's time for imaginative similes to the condition of being useless. Here's a few:

As useless as . . . .

1.  a screen door on a submarine.
2.  ejection seats in a helicopter.
3.  a knitted condom.
4.  a color blind interior decorator.
5.  a condom machine in the Vatican.
6.  a ham sandwich at a Bar Mitzvah.
7.  a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
8.  tits on a boar hog.
9.  handles on a snowball.
10.  a pen without ink.

11.  a grave robber in a crematorium.
12.  Captain Hook at a gynecologists' convention.
13.  a wooden frying pan.
14.  a rubber bill on a woodpecker.
15.  a chocolate teapot.
16.  a fart in a space suit.
17.  whistling psalms to a horse.
18.  a box of Moon Pies at a dietician's office.
19.  a pistol without a barrel.
20.  dinosaur repellant.

21.  a carpet fitter's ladder.
22.  an inflatable dartboard.
23.  a concrete life vest.
24.  a jock strap on a ballerina.
25.  a glass hammer.
26.  a mint-flavored suppository.
27.  a kickstand on a horse.
28.  knickers on a kipper.
29.  silent alarm clock.
30.  square tires on a bus.

31.  a waterproof teabag.
32.  a snooze button on a smoke detector.
33.  a bottomless bucket.
34.  a knife without a blade.
35.  white-out to a computer entry clerk.
36.  nipples on a breastplate.
37.  an accordion player on a deer hunt.
38.  a reggae band at a Klan rally.
39.  a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.  
40.  a concrete parachute.

Can you think of any? Please share with the rest of us!