eViL pOp TaRt: St. Clementine

Clementine was one of those seriously holy girls, despite living in the hollows of West Virginia. She said her prayers, followed the teachings of her religion religiously, and always told the truth. This last trait disqualified her from advertising or politics as possible occupational choices.

So she turned to cookery. As was the custom of the area, she started out making pasties (meat pies), but her pies were without favor with the coal miners and moonshiners because she used ramp and turnips to excess.

Clementine was abashed. So she prayed to St. Gennaro, and he told her to make a pilgrimage to New York and Chicago, which she did. In those amazing places she learned about pizza dough. However, the natives of the two places were in a disagreement about what sort of pizza is better. So sad.

But Clementine was influenced by the Spanish mystic, Teresa of Avila, and tried to achieve discipline in the pizza dough, and to explore the full advantages of different types of toppings. Sadly, she found that some people were impious enough to eat anchovies on their pizzas, which was a sin against God and man, and at Yale, yet!

She founded an order of pizza-making religious, and established a Rule of the order: (1) Go towards fresh ingredients, including fresh tomatoes, pineapple, walnuts or pecans, and artichoke hearts; (2) If meats are to be used, elect the spicier ones like pepperoni or prosciutto or Andouille; (3) Use a first-class cheese, like provolone, mozarella, or gargonzola; and (4) The sine qua non: cilantro! Avoid the near occasions of pizza sins: (1) Filled-in crusts; (2) Fish of any kind; (3) Kale; (4) Undercooked pizza crusts; (5) Overuse of marinara sauce; and (6) Cheese Whiz. Clementine further pronounced that pizza should be served hot, and preferably with beer.

St. Clementine was proclaimed a saint and a general benefactor to man. And to women who wish to pig out and party! Her feast day is March 23rd. It should be properly celebrated with an brick oven-baked pizza and a righteous beer.