Fashion Mavens Comment on the N.F.L. Football Helmets

In light of the upcoming Super Bowl, it is not surprising that the media has been eager for another slant, another way to ride the Super Bowl hype. Naturally, the usual ones have been ridden too and and put up wet by previous media eager beavers: (a) a breath of scandal (helped by the sure presence of the Patriots), (b) beauties (players' hot wives or girlfriends, skimpily dressed cheerleaders), (c) tedious analysis of game strategy by commentators on meth, and (d) trash talk. But, the usuals get overworked, and new angles are sorely needed.

So the bright vice-presidents at Premier Sports Network decided to do a program on fashion and the N.F.L. Not what is seen in the audience at football games; that is not eye-popping, unless someone shows up in retro 1920's football fan togs! No, they got a few fashion critics from Boston, New York and Los Angeles to comment on the 32 helmet designs peculiar to each N.F.L. team:

Anyway, without further ado, here's a few assessments by these fashion mavens to inform your thinking of this somewhat neglected topic. After all, N.F.L. owners are not aesthetically sophisticated and need the firm hand of big city fashion critics!

Casper Filnoodle, New York: I like the elegance of the Vikings helmet, with its rich purple color and the stylized Viking horns. The Chargers, likewise look very dynamic with their lightning-festooned helmets. On the other hand, the Jets and the Titans mark theirs with exceptionally boring logos! While not much is expected from Tennessee (I'm surprised the players don't wear bib overalls), the Jets represent one of the most fashion-conscious cities of the world!

Chauncey Bigelow, Boston: Well, let me first of all say that the Redskins and Chiefs have tasteless logos, team names, and tacky helmets; and the Cleveland Browns neglects to have an emblem at all on their helmets. Clearly, this is what you can expect from those fashion-challenged cities. The Giants and the Forty-Niners, on the other hand, have sleek, straightforward helmet designs. And, like Casper, I like the Chargers' helmets.

Felicity Underbilt, New York: Too many N.F.L. teams have had helmet designs and colors that, while not awful, merely fell into the mediocre category: The Steelers, the Saints, the Falcons, and the Colts. The Bengals have a clever, kicky pattern to their helmets; I found the black tiger stripes on the orange helmets to be quite distinctive and compelling. Good design! The Buccaneers have an unfortunate logo, and the Colts need more color. The Bears use a dark blue helmet with a "C" on it. Now given that three other N.F.L. cities also begin with the letter "C", this seems to be ambiguous. As for the ones I like, the Falcons and the Seahawks are the bon ton, in my opinion! They are winners, even before the kickoff takes place!

Vivian Wilbertson, Los Angeles: The disgusting Oakland Raiders helmets go well with that embarrassing city on the West Coast and its rowdy fans. That has to be the worst! But the Patriots' chapeaux need re-designing too in addition to their efforts in bringing about the softer side of footballs. Actually, I like the basic design of the Dolphins' helmets; but they need to replace a teal blue or light green for the basic, boring white. The Eagles' helmets have a design worthy of the fashion-conscious Main Line; good going, fashion-conscious Philadelphia! The teams from the Deep South other than Miami should all be suspended until they replace their unspeakable helmets! The Cowboys have a great, straightforward design that is timeless, nothing faddish about it!

Moderator: Ms. Wilbertson, you praise the Cowboys', and yet Ms. Underbilt labeled the Colts' as mediocre. Was that based on the logos on the plain white helmets?

Vivian: I got the sense that the Cowboys' was making a statement by being retro; but the Colts' was simply static. Now if some of their fans would refrain from wearing leisure suits, even as a retro statement, that would improve the team's morale and performance. And, goodness, put some clothes on the cheerleaders!

Sylvester Porcellino, fashion critic from the Times: The Cleveland Browns' helmets have adopted a minimalist fashion style, much in homage to the Minimalists in art during the mid-1960's. They make a statement: take us as we are. I like the rich irony of the New Orleans team being nicknamed the Saints! Anyway, the Giants and the Cowboys get their message across. Some teams have unfortunate helmets: the Carolina Panthers, the Tennessee Titans, and the New England Patriots come to mind. In my opinion, when a team moves to another city, they should take advantage of the period of novelty and unqualified fan support by adopting a uniform and helmet that shows homage to other modern art movements: pop art and op art, for example! That would go a long way to making football relevant to what's important: art.

Moderator: Excuse me......why does the cameraman have his head in a waste basket?