Fashion Advice for Textbook Salespeople

I confess that I was a textbook company representative for a brief period.  I wish I had done something wild and reportable, instead.  Nevertheless, it was a source of money when I seriously needed it.  I spent each day, into the evening, calling at professors' offices.  And I picked up some pointers in the meantime:

1.  Don't wear pink unless you're Reese Witherspoon.

2.  Beanies with propellers are so 1930's, and a guy thing -- wear them not. 

3.  Plaid sports jackets are for Sports Central, not for textbook selling calls.

4.  If wearing a décollété sundress, have sufficient décolletage so that there's no doubt that you're a woman; but sufficient modesty that there's also no doubt that you're a lady.

5.  Drindle is risky, unless you work part-time in a bierhaus.  Make mine Lowenbrau.

6.  Your choice of footwear should not suggest that you moonlight as a dominatrix.

7.  Pastel colors are okay only if you're Hello Kitty. 

8.  A purse with a kitty cat on it does not go with a business suit.

9.  Shorts and halters are okay in Southern California, but not elsewhere; and only if you are calling at University of California for Strippers.

10.  Miniskirts are generally not a good idea, as many profs are women who won't approve and a small percent who would too readily approve.

11.  Adopt neither Lindsay Lohan or Avril Lavigne as your fashion examplar.

12.  Don't wear open toed shoes.

13.  Don't wear heels above 2 inches; you might have to run the 440 to get across the campus.

14.  Don't wear sports jerseys when making business calls, especially if they are for rival teams.

15. Don't ever wear an Ole Miss jersey or sweat shirt while calling on clients: people might think you're admitting to advanced age for sympathy purposes.

16.  Flip-flops are risky footwear unless you plan to shower with the client.

17.  White shoes should not be worn after Labor Day.

18.  Bowling shoes should not be worn, except in New Jersey.

19.  Don't wear hoodies unless you're a vendor in the 'hood.

20.  Don't accessorize with sporks on a chain, even if silver plated.

21.  Berets are allowable only if calling on clients in liberal arts colleges.

22.  Wearing a trout for a tie is permissible in Minnesota.

23.  T-shirts and cargo pants make you look like a used textbook buyer.

24.  Wear hose, not gym socks, unless selling P.E. texts.

25.  Don't wear anything that makes dogs or Deans sick. 

26.  Only Babar the Elephant can wear a suit with a becoming shade of lime green.