eViL pOp TaRt: Madeline the Prophetess Discusses Types of Guys

Well, it happened to be time for Mlle. Madeline, AKA The Prophetess, to discourse on different types of guys. It's interesting that she did this, considering that she is totally chaste and seeming quite circumspect although strange in her lifestyle. Nevertheless, she is recognized as locally as The Prophetess; consequently, the New Orleans television media calls on her on occasion for her observations while the priest at St. Cletus's Church cringes.

It so happened that Missy Chauvin, our Action News reporter, while doing a daytime talk puff segment, invited Madeline to discuss what she saw was the different types of males. This was done without any irony on either part. Here is what transpired:

Missy Chauvin: "Madeline, From your perspective, what kinds of guys are out there?"

Madeline: "I'm so totally glad you asked, Missy. Oui, there are different kinds of guys; c'est vrai! Here is my take on them:

The Alpha Male -- This is the typical "take charge" guy; the one with lots of charisma. He's attractive, charming, and a natural leader. He exudes self-confidence, and is able to get others to go along by force of his personality. Think of him as natural quarterback material. Frankly ladies, he is out of your league unless you are the supermodel! Attempts to seduce him are taken as hus just do."

Missy: "Ah, Madeline, you are right! They get taken by supermodels and corporate CEOs. Some of them have egos to match and never call afterward . . . . "

Madeline: "But there are others . . . .

The Beta Male -- The Beta Male lacks the self-confidence of the Alpha Male. He is more passive and shows less initiative. Beta Males ordinarily prefer to follow the lead of others, and go through life under the radar. They make good sidekicks or wingmen. They also make good husbands, if you keep them on the straight and narrow. They usually will attend church with you, and dress appropriately. Let them fish when they wish, and go to the races. And, of course, attend Saints games.

The Gamma Male -- The Gamma Male is basically a non-conformist. He marches to his own drummer and may tend to be artsy-fartsy. If he is, then he is always entertaining but can be a prima donna! If his metier is writing, then keep him away from the bourbon or Irish whiskey. Many a creative guy got washed up on the shoals of alcohol abuse. Make him go to church with you, and try to rein in his lapses in dress. After all, we must be the civilizing influence!

The Delta Male -- This type of guy tries to act like an Alpha Male, but does not have the charisma, self-confidence, or generally recognized leadership. Because of this, he may try to pass for a leader through bullying the weak selectively. They can be the jerks, the canailles. Les chie-en-lits! If you detect Delta Male traits, stay away! For true! Some Delta Males can be wife-beaters. Especially beware if they wear that kind of shirt: that's a tell-tale sign!"

Now Madeline turned to discuss the true losers:

"The Psi Male -- These guys, while eccentric losers, are basically harmless. They might have excessive interests in role-playing games, dress unusually, and are typically loners by choice. The boys in Sixteen Candles who, while riding the school bus, wore athletic supporters on their heads is a real-life for instance of this type of guy while still young! If you adopt this type of guy as a boyfriend, you must expect a lot of embarassment from his strange behavior! Give him pity affection; it is the simple charitable thing to do!

The Omega Male -- These are the true losers, guys who lack basic social skills and drive. They may neglect basic hygiene, affect rude or brusque manners, and exude a general air of creepiness. Let's face it; these are the guys to avoid, even though you feel that you should give him the benefit of the doubt. The Omega Male is often preceded by a reputation that might include petty crime, animal cruelty, or bizarre interests. They should not be pushed or confronted, as they might lash out in violent ways. [Some do have a store of guns and ammunition.]"

Missy: "So, Madeline, would you summarize by saying which type of the guy is best?"

Madeline: "Oui! The Beta Male, perhaps; but the Gamma Male is most amusant! Deltas might be reformed with firmness; but it is a lost cause if they go to law school or into politics."

Missy: "Merde! I know some Omega Males. The Honey Island Swamp Monster was cool by comparison."