If I Could Talk to Literary Characters

This is what I would say to:

 

Captain Ahab (Moby Dick) -- "You know, taking up golf would be less extreme; and there's always the 19th Hole."

Holden Caufield (The Catcher in the Rye)  -- "Man up and stop whining.  Or chick up, whatever.  If you can't make it as a catcher, try for an outfield position instead."

Madame Bovary -- "Don't take the arsenic.  Be an artist's mistress instead." 

Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Predjudice) -- "Mr. Darcy is as stuffy as Mr. Collins.  Seduce and marry Mr. Bingley instead.  Never mind Jane."

Any Ernest Hemingway male character -- "Develop your feminine side a little."

Catullus -- "Clodia is a tart; and her brother Clodius is trouble.

Jane Eyre -- "Better get a job in sales instead."

 

D'Artagnan (The Three Musketeers)  -- "Choose your companions more carefully."

Hamlet -- "For Christ's sake, make up your mind and get off your duff!!!"

Macbeth -- "Most of the time, listen to your wife's advice.  This is not one of them."

Mr. Joyboy (The Loved One)  -- "You have unresolved Oedipal issues."

Daisy (The Great Gatsby) -- [song] "He's no good, he's no good.  The man's no good."

Henry Fleming (The Red Badge of Courage) -- "You might consider joining the National Guard instead."

Lorna Doone -- "Try thin mints, for a change.  They're a change of pace from shortbreads"

The Girls in Little Women --  "Loosen up; and stop being preacher's kids.  You're teens!!!!"

Tess Mognahan (a detective recurrently used by Laura Lippman):  "Tell your live-in boyfriend bye-bye; and take up with Jimmy McNulty instead.  But keep hm away from the Jameson's." 

Marlowe and Mr. Kurtz (The Heart of Darkness) -- "That's what you get for that weekend trip to Baton Rouge."