The United States of Scary Things

Men in Hats

Please allow me to discourse on a subject I'm only vaguely qualified on: men's hats.

In my opinion, the guiding principles in the wearing of any head coverage should be:

1.  Is it called for because of climatological circumstances;
2.  Is it part of a uniform ensemble;
3.  Do circumstances call for some kind of head covering;
4.  Does the wearer avoid looking ridiculous in the process.

Now obviously a woman wearing a hat while attending church was called for in some former time; and may still be in some places.  And apparently the British royals do have to wear hats but they manage to wear the most ridiculous ones in the process: producing a kind of reverse panache.

But guys, it's another story.

So let me give you my eViL pOp TaRt principles for safe and sane hat wearing.

1.  No one looks good in a sombrero.  Even the Urban Sombrero, to resurrect that old concept from the Jerry Seinfeld Show.

2.  Likewise berets, unless you are a chain-smoking long-dead French philosopher of despair and bad croissants.

3.  Baseball caps are fine when worn outdoors, in casual settings, and with the bill forward.  Warning: some people will think you're a douchebag if you wear a New York Yankee or Boston Red Sox hat. 

4.  If you must wear your baseball cap backwards, then I recommend that you wear the conplete ensemble with it: the chest protector and the face mask.

5.  A baretta shoud be worn only by old-fashioned Catholic priests and high church-aspirant Angelican clergy.

6.  A boat is alright if you're a member of a string quartet and you're carrying a cane.

7.  Don't even think of a pith helmet.  Pith on you if you do.

8.  Hombergs and fedoras are acceptable with business dress.

9.  Stetsons, unless worn in some mountain western states or Texas, indicate histrionic tendencies.  Perhaps the wearer is also hoping for a pickup game of cowboys and Native Americans.

10.  Flat or scalley hats, strangely enough, do look fine on well-groomed men.  They're not just for Andy Capp.

11.  Fur hats with flaps that can be let down are good for cold weather.  Warning: if you wear one of the latter, you might be harassed by PETA members or Tea Party members who think you are a commisar!

12.  Wool caps are nice for skating or standing watch on a ship or ice fishing. 

13.  Don't ever wear a knit hat with those straps that just hang down as it makes you look stupid.

14.  Pickelhaubes are cool; but not when engaged in the sport of leapfrog.

15.  Shakos should be worn only if you are part of a marching band.

16.  Messages on hats, no matter how witty, are a bad idea.  They make bumper stickers for this kind of purpose.

17.  DON'T wear a hat indoors.  Didn't your mother ever tell you that?

Polygamy as an Economic Option

Because one of the candidates for the Republican nomination for President happens to be a Mormon,this has raised anew the question of polygamy: a marriage in which there is more than two partners.  Properly, the most common form is polygyny, where a man is married to two or more women (who, by the way, are not married to each other!).  Less commonly found is polyandry, where a woman is married to two or more men, and group marriage, where several mem and women are married collectively to each other.

Polyandry is occasionally found in Tibet, where two brothers might be married to the same woman who shares her affections with both.

Looking at the worldwide incidence of the forms of polygamy, while a majority of cultures permit some form of polygyny, in practice this is not a common relationship because of the approximate equality of the number of females to males of marriageable age.  (Even at that, some of the present-day polygamists in this country have the dreadful practice of "marrying" underage girls.  Also, very obviously, a possible polygamist must have the resources to provide for an enlarged household.  As a further issue, apparently, some of the American polygamists maintain separate but nearby households for their wives! 

Not surprisingly, having multiple wives is associated with power, wealth, and special status.  The emperors of Imperial China and the sultans of the Ottoman Empire had very large harems at their service; often staffed by eunuchs, men who received the most unkindest cut and who are then called on to oversee and guard the harem.

Actually, in Islamic countries, a man may have up to four wives at a time; and not have to have permission of his already-present wives to add another to his roster.  Women, on the other hand, can have only one husband; but if divorced she can then get a replacement.

Anyway, I've nattered enough about polygamy.  Now, I'll get to the point:

Why not adopt legal polygamy as a means of coping with the economy slump?

After all, some of us Americans do practice polygamy, in a sense: it occurs in the form of serial monogamy.  Yes, there are some people who actually use the term 'starter marriage.'  Obviously, this practice is most notoriously visible in Hollywood.  (Again, power, wealth, and special status.)  The poor middle-aged secretary whose marriage when on the shoals is most usually in a permanent status as a not-so-gay divorcée.  Others, instead of marrying, cohabit.  Looking at this from a different angle, isn't there a small amount of hypocrisy going on?

The adoption of polygamy as a lifestyle option should be strictly voluntary on all participants' parts (if both are of legal age), with both polyandry and polygyny allowable.  As part of any polygamous arrangement, it should include some form of economic stability for the future: severance pay, retirement benefits, housing, and so forth to allow the divorced partner to maintain her or his lifestyle that she or he became accustomed to. 

Would this disrupt the likelihood of many males being deprived of wives or girlfriends?  Not likely, because of the costs involved to support a polygamous union and especially if polyandry is also an option.  There should be a few affluent women who might crave variety in sexual partners.  My guess is that only a small number of men or women might opt to be one of multiple spouses, but it might provide openings for a for a few.  And consider the economic multiplier factors: this would spur building or occupying large mansions in order to make available space for harem-sized groups, stimulate clothing manufacturing to provide suitable clothing for wearing in harems (after all, us women learn at an early age to be properly dressed for an activity), exotic foods, support personnel such as beauticians, servants, gardeners, as well as the harem possessor's henchmen or henchwomen to guard these possible harems.  This would result in many people being employed; sometimes well-paid, at that.  And the harem girls or boys would be, effectively, taken out of the labor force.  This would, therefore, provide a means for slackers to live well without doing any work!  This is a good deal: these people are out of the labor force and yet are not on the public dole!

No, I do not see allowing eunuchs as a possibility.  We have too many of those in university administration and public administration already. 

In effect, this is als normalizing or legitimatizing what for some is referred to as "hooking up."  And it would give a number of people economic security.

And maybe a latter-day Jane Austen might write, "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a harem."

[Disclaimer:  I would not choose this option.]

Meaningless Games and Conference Names?

An unfortunate concept that I've occasionally encountered while reading the sports pages is that of a meaningless game.

Now I know what the sportswriter intends:  this is a game between two teams that will have no effect on a team making the playoffs, pennant, or championship; either because they've already clinched their birth, or because even if they win they will go no further than the regular season.  In a lot of ways, this is unfortunate. 

It places undue importance to the playoff games at the expense of the ordinary games.  And it implicitly sends the signal that players don't have to put 100% in their efforts.

But, importantly, it denigrates the occasion of when two less-than-sterling teams are competing.

As a matter of fact, maybe the cheerleaders and fans should regard these as of minor consequence: not yell so loud, or even show up.  And, if a player is on a 9-18 basketball team, and the team has no chance of being in the NCAA Tournament, then he could bag that last game or two and drink beer instead.

A lot of life depends on attitude.  And this is not the type of attitude to foster.
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A cursory reading of the sports page suggests that the expansion of conferences is being discussed.  Already Texas A & M is going to the Southeastern Conference, and Missouri soon to follow.  Isn't that stretching southeastern a little?  And they must have discovered coastline in Oklahoma and they are contemplating movement to the PAC-12 conference.  But by far is that Eastern Establishment school, Boise State, joining the Big East.

How about the Big Ten?  Last I noticed there were 12 teams.
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Puritan Autumn

The Puritan streak has been with us for a long time; after all, several of the states were founded by religious cranks and nutters.  We've had our contretemps from time to time regarding blue laws, sumptuary laws, blasphemy and profanity laws, smoking restrictions, prohibition, restriction of beverage sales, regulation of sexual activity or expression,  and so forth.  For God's sake, even dancing!  It's as if we divide into two or more camps: those who wish to restrict a particular pleasure or other choice behavior, and those who wish to carry on.  Now this is not a simple liberal-conservative difference; both quasi-philosophies are not loath to deploy the full majesty of the law to restrict, forbid, or otherwise discourage whatever no-no they have in mind.  This Puritanism has been steadily receding in recent times, most notably with the repeal of Prohibition.  Still, there are traces:

We have the recurrent example associated with this time of year: certain churches and communities finding fault with Halloween; instead opting for Fall Festivals or Harvest Festivals (although urbanites might have to search high and low for something to actually harvest).  Yes, Halloween has been demonized into a pagan festival that good Christians should eschew.  At least the antagonistic churches have had to come up with alternatives to the Halloween parties and trick-or-treating, so the children in those places at least have something to celebrate.

Also, we have the movement in certain cities (Chicago already, L.A. soon) to ban fois gras.  After the ban on fois gras took place in Chicago, there were some bootleg fois gras places that cropped up.  It's as if because eating duck or goose liver became illegal, suddenly people want to eat it!  Right now there is a restaurant in Los Angeles that is offering a medley of paté dishes as $175 per head!

I only need to mention in passing that a few communities restrict swimwear for women, particularly thongs or going topfree.  One community in Utah even forbade bikinis in public pools!

And, famously, there's weed.  Except in California, if it's still allowed there.  It's probably a myth circulated in movies like Footloose; but some communities might actually outlaw dancing.  Certainly, some churches do.

Our latent Puritanism, having lost on so many fronts, is also still alive and well in discouraging certain types of humor, such as the time-honored ethnic or religious jokes, not to mention jokes about men and women.  Part of the problem is the humorfree moralists we have around.  Does being a feminist mean that you have to check your sense of humor at the door?  Now sometimes this kind of humor might be hurtful, but enough, enough!  Jokes do have a point to it, if Freud is right.

Now, I'm not in the vanguard to eat liver from any creature, nor wear a thong; but Halloween is so notoriously a childhood delight that it's a crime to eliminate it.  And as for bikinis, it depends on how successful I am in getting back into shape after a winter! 

However, I'll breach three of the possible taboos enough to tell an old religious and sexy joke: 

Do you know why Baptists don't like to make love while standing?  Because they feel that it leads to dancing.

Princess Lum

In Japanese folklore, oni are giant, ugly, humanoid monsters or demons with large horns who wear animal skins.  While in the original myths they brought misfortune, over time they came to assume a more benign, protecting function.  Japanese parades often begin with an oni to bring good fortune; and these are recurrent decorations on buildings much like the gargoyles in Western architecture.  When the Japenese play tag, the one who serves as "it" is called an "oni."

Anime artist Rumiko Takahashi adapted the traditional oni into her character Princess Lum, recasting her as a space alien with special powers such as flight.  In this case, she assumes the form of a tiny-horned teen dressed in a tigerskin bikini who is sent to Earth to compete at tag over ten days with a randomly chosen Earthling, Ataru Morobishi.  The stakes of the game: if Ataru does not capture Lum, the Oni aliens achieve total domination of the Earth.  So the stakes are large!

 Ataru is unsuccessful for nine of the ten days; but he succeeds in stealing Lum's bikini top, giving Lum the choice: she can use her arms for modesty's sake, or use them to be able to fly.  She opts for modesty, being a nice oni; so Ataru grabs her horns, and saves the Earth in the process.

However, in the process Lum got the impression that Ataru proposed marriage, and she accepted.  Therefore the Morobishis got a new daughter: Ataru's live-in space alien girlfriend!  Strangely enough, the parents are happy with this, finding Lum a daughter they they both secretly preferred anyway, and enjoyed photographing her and dressing her in beautiful kimonos!  With the recurrent theme of Ataru's roving eye for other girls, Lum's alarming culinary skills, her unding love for Ataru, and her strange friends, the series settles into a kind of domestic comedy. 

There's a curious additional take-off on the Oni/Lum story: the Japanese sometimes refer to a child that does not resemble either parent as 'the child of an oni."  The Morobishis apparently had one, literally!

Lum, beloved of the lecherous Ataru, is one of the most appealing of Japanese anime characters.  I just posted this for fun. 

Girls Sorta Gone Wild

Okay, one of my exploits that led to my becoming the Detention Queen while in high school was the time three of us decided to see a real horse race.

Now, they have a full race card of thoroughbred races at the Fair Grounds in season that starts in the early afternoon.  Unfortunately, high schools have this thing about having classes in the afternoon. . . . . But, a friend (not to be named, as she has aspirations to the state legislature -- she wants to make her money the easy way!) talked up the idea and we decided to make a day of it.

Starting with lunch.  Now, we all had sympathy for both dogs and cats, and passed up the usual school cafeteria lunch and instead repaired to Mandina's where we had oyster po-boys and gumbo. There was a group of elderly ladies there, and they gave us tips on the race, this being New Orleans and all.

It was fun at the races!  We got in without a comment, despite the fact that we were wearing school uniforms.  We were able to bet on the nags, and hang out in the clubhouse (though we had only grandstand passes).  The little guy that blows the horn that calls the mounts to the starting gate was cute and amusing.  Big spenders us, we bet the minimum bet on each race and went for the double and the trifecta.

I won the daily double!  There followed on our part the typical excessive display of delight, usually intended to call the attention of 17-year-olds of the male persuasion. And, while they were present in numbers, this was not a sound tactic.


Alas, but one of the local teevee stations had their camera at the track, and they were panning the crowd. We were caught red-handed, and in our Catholic school girl uniforms.  (Locally, the pattern of skirts worn by Catholic school girls are distinctive, depending on the school.)  What to do?  Brazen it out.  As a matter of fact, we pursed and smacked our lips and made high-five gestures (like the wanton little trollops were to do years later in those sordid little GGW videos that they now offer for sale).  Maybe they wouldn't run the tape: a good thought, since New Orleans always has its usual quota of good sex and violence to entertain the masses watching the teevee news.  (They also watch the hairdos and the cleavage on the News Team, but that's New Orleans for you.)

It was a slow news day.  And they ran the tape, commenting that "here were some happy winners . . . . apparently, school was out at __________ Academy today." Then, all we could hope was for an early bedtime for the nuns.

The next morning, the first announcement on the speaker was: Angel ________, Jessica __________, and Heather _________, come to the office IMMEDIATELY!


Busted!

My punishment on the parental level was slight.  Dad was impressed that I won the Daily Double!

Anthropological Notes on a Sport

In my anthropological studies while I lived in The Great Elsewhere (America Other than New Orleans), I found a curious ceremony in progress.  It occurred on a field that was lit with overhead lights and had banked seats on either side that were soon filled with people.  Clearly some kind of tribal ritual was being enacted.  Two large groups of youth from different tribes, the members of each group being fitted out in oversized padding and brightly coloured uniforms, ran out on this field to the shouts of the crowd on their sides.  One tribe wore green shirts and brown trousers, while the other wore dark blue uniforms with white numbers.  Each group was led in this running entrance by groups of young females wearing abbreviated costumes of similar colours.  I took these to be the Vestal Virgins of the tribe, but require more information regarding their prior virgin status and disposition.  These same female individuals then proceeded to do yell, do flips (to display their shiny underwear to advantage), and made encouraging noises for the crowd to yell fervently as well.  The crowd, apparently in a skeptical vein, did little to accommodate them.  Possibly it had something to do with past failures of their youth and apprehension regarding the future.  [If the tribe has too many losses, do these Vestals get buried alive?]

The affair in question begun with the toss of a coin.  I think that this is a metaphor regarding the chances of life and how we must "seize the day" in response to pure uncertainty.  One side, happy with this outcome, cheered lustily.  I suppose they were anticipating bountiful crops or many grandchildren to augment their tribes.  The other tribe murmured slightly, as if to ward off possible bad luck by this loss.  Their response to this ill omen was a stoicism worthy of Marcus Aurelius.

 The main ritual seemed to proceed in a series of steps.  One participant would hand  or "center" a oblong leather ball through his legs to the quarter-back, possibly in mimicry of the birthing process, while the other team would attempt to disrupt the process.  The same "center" participant wore a towel dangling from his waist on the front, an obvious parallel to something else [!] -- could it be menstration?   Following this "birthing," the various players seemed to run in a random fashion until the person carrying the ball was apprehended.  Sometimes the ball was thrown: I think it has to do with the quarter-back losing his nerve and denying responsibility any further.  At any rate, very few times were these balls caught by another player.  Maybe the shape of these "balls" was a problem.  In this game one team would on occasion kick the ball to the other team, who would then have an opportunity to mimic the birthing process while their opposites would try to disrupt it.

Scoring was based on moving the ball to one end of the field or kicking it through goal posts.  This type of scoring by kicking is highly desired, with the cheerleaders prostrating themselves in supplication while the attempt is made.

I have a tentative interpretation of the older men wearing the striped shirts: they represent the Three Fates plus Hercules.  Two of them normally stand on the side with a long chain connecting two poles, but periodically come out to determine the fate of the mortal by measuring how far the ball has traveled.  One of these striped worthies made gestures of supplication to the gods, who apparently live in the Mount Olympus of the Press Box.  They blow whistles for some reason; possibly to dispel evil spirits.

 Members of the observing crowd wore ribbons with the "school colors," the blue-and-white or green-and-white motif.  Some favored young females wore corsages, possibly indicative of betrothed status.

The behaviour of the crowd provided singular contrasts.  About eighty gaily-garbed teens played martial songs on musical instruments, while girls in brief sequined costumes twirled batons.  Another small group, both boys and girls, tried to stimulate interest in the happenings by doing tricks, yelling, and in general jumping around manically.  Additionally, there was one youth (I surmise) who wore an animal totem costume of the tribe: this one of a Tiger.  (The totem of the other tribe was symbolized by someone wearing a bear suit.)  There were large masses of younger youth not in costumes who seemed to walk randomly around, with little apparent interest in the game.  Instead, they were actively courting similarly-aged young people of the opposite sex in non-subtle ways.  Older women sat together and talked about matters unrelated to the game. Young children seemed to be bent on an orgy of eating of caloric, forbidden foods as wieners, pink spun candy, and pork rinds.  Only a small body of elderly men watched the game with diligence.  I conclude that they constituted an elderly priesthood and were involved in seeing to it that the proper rituals were formed.

Judging from the crowd's attitude and behavior, I tentatively conclude that this particular ritual is becoming less central to the lives of the people, other than the youthful participants and the elderly priesthood.

On the other hand, some vestiges of tribal importance still lingered.  During a break called "Halftime" sentimental music was played and a formally-dressed young lady was crowned with a tiara by an older man. The musicians formed patterns on the field and played music.  The young woman was elected to her position, and was supposed to represent the aspirations of her tribe regarding beauty, intelligence, and virtue.  I cannot surmise the symbolism of the older man.  The musicians were also on the field, playing music.  They were accompanied by a group of larger females who carried and positioned flags in unison.

In the scheme of things, "football" is complex: part substitute for tribal warfare, part fertility rite, part music festival, part reunion of far-flung tribal members.  What is most peculiar about it is the irony regarding its name.  Unlike football as played in Europe in which the feet are used exclusively, the ball is kicked in this game only rarely: and only from a stationary position.

 At the end of the game the winning team got to keep the ball.  It is premature for me to speculate on what they would do with it afterwards.

I came away from the spectacle strangely exhilarated.  It may be one of those things which is better savored with a sense of wonder, not extensive knowledge.

Pursuing the Great North American Geek

As a not-yet-desperate unmarried woman, I can still afford to be somewhat selective in my pursual of a suitable mate, and not just simply go with the leavings of my more successful sisters in this quest. I have found that certain unnamed categories of males (I will discreetly remain unspecific here, pardon me!) have certain drawbacks while the sleeper in the possible choices happens to be the Great North American Geek.

Yes. Geeks do make good lovers. But you have to enter their specialized habitats and catch their attention. With regard to habitat, you should be more specific than simply a trip to Best Buy on the weekend where the Geek Wannabees congregate and drool over the computer toys. No, a trade show or a school of engineering is a more productive setting. Ladies, you're not likely to catch a geek at a highbrow film festival! For the sci-fi or anime geeks, going to a convention or cosplay event is going in the right place. Hint: dress in costume if you want to draw a cute otaku; especially some alluring anime girl costume. (Guess who I prefer to go as . . . .)

And be able to talk the talk and walk the walk. (No, I don't hang out with sportswriters any longer!) Geeks do like kindred spirits of the opposite sex who share their interests and can discuss those topics intelligently but regards him as having superior expertise in those matters. In other words, don't be the helpless or dumb female; but one who seems to grasp most of what he is saying. Yes, pretend that you don't quite know as much as him. Despite their deferential manners, geeks have egos that need stroking also. Cookery is always foolproof in attracting and keeping a guy. Fortunately, their standards are usually very low, as they are used to eating a lot of junk food. Therefore, homemade cookies or muffins or (wow!) a home-cooked meal can usually lock them in. Consider ramen noodles as a nostalgia item for some of them.

Geeks like movie dates, especially sci-fi or anime movies. They are not so much into blood and guts, so your appetite is not likely to be lost by the entertainment. Movies have the additional advantage for them in that they don't have to talk to their dates a lot. However, they can be persuaded to branch out. For example, paintball is usually appealing to them. The water slide at the amusement park is also entertaining for them, both because its see-worthy opportunities and because they can calculate the physics of the process.

Here's something to expect when you date a Great North American Geek: He will bring you to where his friends are, and they will look at you with some awe. Some might even venture to touch you to verify that you are real, quite respectfully, of course! Obviously, you come away feeling strange, like you are a goddess for the day! Treat this with good humor, and prepare for it by wearing some really charming perfume. Some might actually try to smell your hair!

Geeks can be induced to accompany you in shopping provided you also schedule sufficient time in the computer, camera, or electronics stores. And, of course, they are very willing to help you shop for swimwear, particularly if you model the possibilities for them. May you have a successful hunt for these elusive creatures!

Just a Few Unrelated Observations

I started off with the intent of writing humor; kind of like putting notes in a bottle and sending them adrift.  Not that I'm especially funny, but trying to be.  I believe it's a good idea to write about things one knows something about, so I write about being a girl, growing up in New Orleans, sex, psychology, and whatever creeps into my awareness at the time.  Even sports.  There's no particular chronological order I'm subscribing to.  I love New Orleans; it was an interesting place to grow up in; and blessed with a panoply of interesting characters.  My recurrent characters, the Prophetess, the Lucky Dog Guy, Crazy Chester, the Ninja Fairies, the assorted street corner preachers, cops, and others are based on New Orleans types.  Although we're a bit insular; we learn at an early age that we have to take an active part in making our lives interesting, and that if we do, life can be fun.

Yes, a former Governor of Louisiana had a stripper girlfriend.

I mean no harm to anyone.  Even when I go off field with my opinions.

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I must confess to preferring the Times-Picyaune to the New York Times or the Boston Herald or the Washington Post even though I'm now in The Big Elsewhere.

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Why did so many people get so shook up about a former prosecuter and television news harridan accidentally exposing a breast while dancing?

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What do the Occupy Wall Street People have as a plan?  Have they worked anything out?  Or is it a "Look at Me" moment?

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I'm glad Amanda Knox got off.  The legal case against her didn't seem to make sense.

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"Moneyball" is a great movie.  "What's Your Number," not so much.  I'll go see "The Ides of March" sometime.

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There's a cute little girl song in "Moneyball."

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A shameless GEAUX TIGERS! after the win Saturday over Florida.
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Why do sandwiches seem always to have the default mayonnaise spread.  I hate that white crap!

On Breaking Up American States

I'd like to address this recurrent theme in U.S. history, one that is still going on: the desire by some residents of a state to disconnect with other parts, for political, economic, social, or other purposes -- maybe even because of irreconciliable differences.  After all, that's where Vermont and West Virginia came from (and consider what great ideas they were).  Now this is famously being played out in California, where the lower section would like to become dissociated from the upper one.  However, have there been many states where this kind of sentiment doesn't reside in some corners?


Louisiana, my home state, has had that kind of division for a long time.  New Orleans and southwestern Louisiana have different values, lifestyles, politics, religions, and just about everything else from northwen Louisiana.  You cross a real divide when you go north of I-10 or at least Alexandria.  You then enter the Bad Cuisine Territory and uptight domain of the United States, among other things.  Now, both people in Shreveport and Lafayette or New Orleans should consider a no-fault divorce and both be better off.  And both rump states can have joint custody of Baton Rouge and LSU.


Okay, you might wonder: couldn't this be parlayed into gaining more representation in the Senate than the uniform two alloted to all states, big and small?  I see this as a surmountable problem, though: American history is a story of compromise, much like loveless marriages (which is a good metaphor for the way things are now!).  My solution: if two sections of a state decide to part company, each gets ownership of one Senator.  In that way, the other currently 49 states are minimally impacted by this split wherever it might take place.


Hey, guys . . . . you know what?  This is a solution having its roots in the Napoleonic Code, the law of Louisiana which is a community property state.


Maybe we should consider the present-day states as like starter marriages; convenient bedding arrangement until the fires of passion are banked . . . .


"Hey, northern Louisiana: you snore and you flirt too much with that Arkansas tart!  You sleep on the sofa tonight"


(.....Hmmm . . . . I wonder if the Mississippi Gulf Coast can lose his dowdy spouse?)   

Spokesperson for Generation Y

I was simply minding my business at the mall, and longing for a cup of latte, when I was verily set upon by a horde of reporters who demanded "what does Generation Y think of, blah, blah."  Gee, I didn't know we had a name.  And who appointed me spokesperson? Maybe they sent word by e-mail and I misjudged it to be spam.  Anyway, what a grave responsibility!  Having no space to run away as might be prudent, I tried to answer as best as I could in self-defense.

Here's my dialogue with my media public.  All eight of them.  Scary folks, they were, even without Helen Thomas.

As a member of Generation Y, what do you think of the economy?  Uh, what does Y stand for?

What are you doing?    I'm staying out of the rain.

Are all of you so ironic?   No, we prefer wash and wear.

What do you think of Governor Perry running for President?  Uh, we're in North Carolina.  We don't get to vote in California.

Oh, a social nihilist?  No, actually, I'm an ex-cheerleader.

Is there significance to your costume?  No, today's wash day, and this was all that I had left to wear.

Do you see a dreary future?  Oh, of course.

Are you referring to impending wars, or economic drepressions, or plagues?  No, I don't have a date yet for Friday night.

What is currently on your mind?  I need new pantyhose.

Who speaks for your generation?  Lady Gaga.  [Not really; but that answer is guaranteed to shake up any uptight thirties-something.  They need their knickers twisted in a knot on occasion.]

How do you see the state of society?  Oh, it's pretty good.  We need better t.v. reality programs.

What do you think of television news?  I watch Stephen Colbert regularly.  It gives me a religious experience, and there's no collection plate.

What do you think of Kobe?  That's the best type of beef you can get at a Japanese steak house.

What are your plans for the future?  I think the Bee Gees said it well:  "Staying Alive."

Which U.S. Presidential Candidate is best suitable for your ideals?  The guy that, you know . . . . .

Boy Being Punished

This pisses me off.  First of all, I don't see public humiliation as a suitable mode of correction, no matter the offense.  I remember some loving parents having a school-aged son wearing diapers in public and holding a sign declaring his offense: "I wet the bed."  I call that child abuse; and I am aware of the horrific scope that falls into that heading.  The poor boy might be tormented by months of teasing and put-downs.

Secondly, blowing a little pot should be, at best, a "Don't do that any more; and maybe a week without cell phone privileges" event, at most.

And finally, for watching porn?  What normal adolescent boy hasn't looked at porn?  And maybe, some acceptable sexy fantasy materials should be provided.  We do't need to make too much over boys reading lads' mags.

In my Angelic fantasy (my name is Angel, so I can have 'em), this is what I wish would happen.  Our forlorn lad is forced to stand in public with his sign.  Nobody gives him a dirty look. 

Selena Gomez runs up to him, and gives him a friendly hug: "You poor boy!"

A busload of NFL players stop, and the team gets out.  "We're standing with our bro here."  They glare at anyone who might our boy some lip and are willing to give them a bad time..

Kim Kardashian comes by, gives him words of encouragement, and a copy of Maxim.  She asks him not to smoke any dope, just as a favor to her.  He, stunned in admiration, assents.

The Governor stops, asks "What's this shit," and immediately asks for an explanation.  He is given one, declares it stoopid.  No, podners, not stupid.  But stoopid: pluperfectly stupid.  And the Gov writes him a pardon.  And then says, "Hey, mon, let's do some lunch now."

Want to Seem Sexy? Wear a Red Dress

Here's a useful tip for attracting guys.  Research* indicates that women or girls who wear red clothing are more likely to attract the attention of guys, be seen as sexy by them, and evoke more courtship-related behaviors.  Whether the garment in question is a red formal dress, a short red skirt, or a red bikini, there is some advantage to wearing red, as compared to more sedate colors.  As Françoise Sagan observed, "a dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off of you."

Of course, also be prepared for some kind of response from them that you have caused.

*To those that say that research is a waste, I submit this in rebuttal.  (This is a polite scientific way of saying "up yours.")  Anyway, I have field-tested this hypothesis.  -- A.B.