It's a bad sign if your date likes elevator music.
Not every occasion can constitute a winner -- there has to be Monday mornings.
Even a federal judge would look like an idiot when he wears a baseball cap backward.
Service as a septic tank cleaner is a good internship for a politician-to-be.
Call girls and academic consultants have many similar characteristics; except that call girls are generally better dressed and are more honest.
Religion, toilets, and cell phones should all be used quietly and privately.
Unfortunately, an accurate representation of a man's character comes from his choice of television programming.
A person who lies to his dog has no character.
Some people are born with all of their taste in their mouths.
To use the opinions of actors and actresses as guides to which politics to support is sort of the equivalant to using engineers as fashion arbitrers.
Generally, it's dangerous to conclude that you have a singing career from your performances in karaoke bars.
The education of a young person is incomplete unless he or she can make a perfect cup of coffee, a few classical mixed drinks, and to lie convincingly.
Unfortunately, people in charge of television programming often have IQ scores that remind me of bra sizes.
Committee meetings that last more than an hour and a half testify that the chair was unprepared for the meeting, or unable to control its course.
When all else fails, read the instruction manual.
If an idea still sounds good when you are sober, it's probably a good idea.
Tenure is automatic with moronship.
Martini drinkers are hard to please: each one has his own theory as to the perfect martini.
Smile at the Dean: he'll either think you're cute or up to something. Either alternative is good.
Learning a foreign language and a foreign culture is time well-spent.
Temperance should be practiced in moderation.
One possible type of male that should be emulated by more women is the strong, silent type.
Avoid helpful aunts who want to set you up with "a son of a friend of theirs'."
Move slow when it gets hot, physically or metaphorically.
Getting up early in the morning is a necessity or a habit; it is not a virtue.
Days in which you feel like singing in the shower should never be squandered on bashfulness about how you sound.
In your relationships with your pets remember that it's you that gets to give them the worm pills, not the other way around.
No one really looks good in a sombrero.
It's a bad election when you leave the voting booth with a sense of having done something shameful.
Imagine something useless, like a toilet bowl cover.
It's easier to understand life if one reflects that the world is run by men who wear ugly ties.
Daily leafblowing is devilish.
A lie is a lie; no matter how sincerely it is presented. A crappy present is still a crappy present, even if it is put in a flamboyantly-wrapped package.
Idiots fail to distinguish between feeling righteous and being right.
The early worm gets the bird.
I haven't quite found out how does one apply for a position as a trophy wife.
One's cleavage is merely an aspect of the self; it is not the self; one's self-esteem should not ride on it.
Wear only double-layered halter tops on cooler days.
A person who would dare to bring a romance novel into a graduate class is either very self-confident or uncaring of others' perceptions.
Not every occasion can constitute a winner -- there has to be Monday mornings.
Even a federal judge would look like an idiot when he wears a baseball cap backward.
Service as a septic tank cleaner is a good internship for a politician-to-be.
Call girls and academic consultants have many similar characteristics; except that call girls are generally better dressed and are more honest.
Religion, toilets, and cell phones should all be used quietly and privately.
Unfortunately, an accurate representation of a man's character comes from his choice of television programming.
A person who lies to his dog has no character.
Some people are born with all of their taste in their mouths.
To use the opinions of actors and actresses as guides to which politics to support is sort of the equivalant to using engineers as fashion arbitrers.
Generally, it's dangerous to conclude that you have a singing career from your performances in karaoke bars.
The education of a young person is incomplete unless he or she can make a perfect cup of coffee, a few classical mixed drinks, and to lie convincingly.
Unfortunately, people in charge of television programming often have IQ scores that remind me of bra sizes.
Committee meetings that last more than an hour and a half testify that the chair was unprepared for the meeting, or unable to control its course.
When all else fails, read the instruction manual.
If an idea still sounds good when you are sober, it's probably a good idea.
Tenure is automatic with moronship.
Martini drinkers are hard to please: each one has his own theory as to the perfect martini.
Smile at the Dean: he'll either think you're cute or up to something. Either alternative is good.
Learning a foreign language and a foreign culture is time well-spent.
Temperance should be practiced in moderation.
One possible type of male that should be emulated by more women is the strong, silent type.
Avoid helpful aunts who want to set you up with "a son of a friend of theirs'."
Move slow when it gets hot, physically or metaphorically.
Getting up early in the morning is a necessity or a habit; it is not a virtue.
Days in which you feel like singing in the shower should never be squandered on bashfulness about how you sound.
In your relationships with your pets remember that it's you that gets to give them the worm pills, not the other way around.
No one really looks good in a sombrero.
It's a bad election when you leave the voting booth with a sense of having done something shameful.
Imagine something useless, like a toilet bowl cover.
It's easier to understand life if one reflects that the world is run by men who wear ugly ties.
Daily leafblowing is devilish.
A lie is a lie; no matter how sincerely it is presented. A crappy present is still a crappy present, even if it is put in a flamboyantly-wrapped package.
Idiots fail to distinguish between feeling righteous and being right.
The early worm gets the bird.
I haven't quite found out how does one apply for a position as a trophy wife.
One's cleavage is merely an aspect of the self; it is not the self; one's self-esteem should not ride on it.
Wear only double-layered halter tops on cooler days.
A person who would dare to bring a romance novel into a graduate class is either very self-confident or uncaring of others' perceptions.
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