eViL pOp TaRt

Preteen Girls

2012-02-27T11:06:00.003-06:00

An age group within girlhood that gets just no respect is the preteen girl age. Strangely, they are often portrayed as sullen Bratz dolls or sultry Lolitas. Inconveniences, at best; but not especially wonderful because of other alleged attributes.

As I recall that period, it was a "learning how to be a teen girl" period. And often not doing too well at it. We discovered Bath and Body Works and the cosmetics counter. And overused both. Sometimes, possibly even to a ludicrious degree. And we would do things that might attract boys' attention -- unfortunately being too loud, too outrageous, and sometimes even too provocative to boot. Subtlety was not learned yet.

But how can you gain the attention of someone who wishes to become a Pokemon Master? Misty, May, and Dawn tried with Ash Ketchum. Let's face it: on my best days I was only about 15% as hot as Misty.

One issue that my friends had to deal with was the "pierce" question. Specifically, could I get my earlobes pierced? At what age? How many holes? My Mom dealt with that issue before with my two older sisters -- one hole per ear, but only when you reach twelve years old. Strangely enough, this contented me when I wanted to get holed at nine; when twelve came around, I had less enthusiasm. I think Mom handled it well, transferring it from a moral or a social issue to a age-appropriate one.

Likewise, with make-up. Mom taught my how to apply it, which kinds to use, when to use it (not for going to Mass!) and so forth. And when to bother. You know, for obvious situations: no need to put on make-up before track practice, unlike some gussied-up hurdlers!

In general, give preteens some space. Don't be so darned impatient for them to grow up. As a matter of fact, it's good to accept the circumstances of all age categories in the human life cycle. There's something entirely ludicrous about a beauty pageant for eighth graders at a middle school. Training bras are okay; but don't make any anxiety-raising remarks about this sensitive area and don't make promises about eventual growth that may or may not transpire. And, finally, learn something about how preteens see things: When a girl that age says she has a boyfriend, that may simply mean that there's a boy that she occasionally interacts with, induces to dance with her a few times at a mixer, and possibly dreams of going on a boy-girl date. Don't turn it into a we-need-to-meet-this-boy occasion!

French Naval Ensign and National Flag

2012-02-25T11:47:00.038-06:00

Naval ensign

This is to me an amusing perceptual phenomenon: the French tricolour comes in two varities: the navel ensign above, and the national flag below. The naval ensign was designed to be better distinguished by having unequal sized bands in a ratio. The French national flag's bands are equal:

French National Flag

National flag: 1:1:1.

Naval ensign: 30:33:37

Currently, the flag is 50 percent wider than its height (i.e. in the proportion 2:3) and, except in the French Navy, has stripes of equal width. Initially, the three stripes of the flag were not equally wide, being in the proportions 30 (blue), 33 (white) and 37 (red). Under Napoleon I, the proportions were changed to make the stripes' width equal, but by a regulation dated 17 May 1853, the navy went back to using the 30:33:37 proportions, which it continues to use.

Where the 30:33:37 ratio came from, I could not find any experimental basis for it. Perhaps they worked it out by trial-and-error. Or wild guessing.

The reason why they went back to the 30:33:37 ratio is because the flapping of the flag in the wind makes portions farther from the halyard seem smaller, and the red might not show well if there's little breeze.

I looked to determine whether other national flags also used disparate bands, and could not find other examples. For example, Ireland and Coté d'Ivorie uses green, white, and orange bands of the same size (1:1:1). Belgium used black, yellow and red bands in the 1:1:1 ratio. But then, do those countries have a navy? Italy has one; but its naval ensign has a crest in the middle of the white part.

Flag of Ireland

Naval Flag of Italy

The Last Bastions of Prejudice and Stereotypes

2012-02-23T07:33:00.004-06:00

I'm sure that there will always be prejudice to some degree; the all-to-human sins of envy, schadenfreude, and suspicion of people that are a bit different will tend to persist and perhaps metastasize into new malingnant forms. Likewise stereotypes, the social cognition process of rushing to judgment about people or groups. However, some of the more obvious and salient ones have been at least placed on the defensive. I'm sure that people will continue to use the N word or tell invidious ethnic jokes; but by doing show, they are following a pattern equivalent to not regularly showering or using deodorant: they self-handicap themselves by presenting themselves as insensitive morons. [Sorry, no offense to morons.]

However, there are three areas that are still free of social sanctions for those forms of sloppy thinking or social behavior: occupational, recreational, and residential or place of origin stereotypes. Yes, used car salesmen can be scrupulously ethical, golfers can be teetotalers, and Southerners seem to be about as smart or stupid as people elsewhere. So, what causes these to persist?

One reason is that people may give more notice to information supportive of the stereotype. Blondes sometimes are dumb, just like brunettes. But, as a result of the stereotype, the dumb blonde garners more notice, while the smart blonde does not evoke a re-formulation of the stereotype. The dumb brunette gets overlooked; while the smart brunette lives up to the stereotype. Another reason is that information contrary to the stereotype may be discounted due to laziness or other factors. There's a cognitive inertia going on.

And imagination regarding hair color plays a part. For example, a recent German study by Hamburg Professor Dr Werner Habermehl looked at the sex lives of hundreds of German women and compared them with their hair color. He reported that women with red hair were more sexually active than those with other hair color, with more partners and having sex more often than the average.

(Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-400779/Redheads-sex-blondes-brunettes.html#ixzz1mT00FLAJ)

There might be an atavistic distrust of redheads because of this alleged passionate nature, as seen as gingerism in Britain and even the Facebook page that tried to establish a National Kick a Ginger Day.

We ourselves may not be completely rid of our unique stereotypes and prejudices; but we should be on the lookout for this kind of thinking and challenge the premises underlying them. Mandy might be really smart!

Giving Pizazz to Lieutenant Governors and Vice-Presidents

2012-02-21T15:47:00.002-06:00

I don't know if anyone bothered to survey, but I would guess that, which most state residents could name their Governor; but knowing who their Lieutenant Governor is another matter. And yet that person presides over the State Senate, and can fill in for the elected Governor if that person dies or is somehow impaired or too he pisses off too many people and they impeach him on some pretext. Yes, he's waiting in the wings; ready and able to fill in when needed.

No, it's kind of like the fate of Vice-Presidents: Who was Clinton's VP, anyway? As a matter of fact, who is Obama's? Some old VP or other said the office was not worth a cup of warm spit, or so his words were probably twisted. Really, lieutenant governors are like this: don't have much to do. Mostly, they blend into the scenery.

But this doesn't have to be. Lieutenant Governors from differerent states could appear on Dancing With the Stars. And we would be proud that our North Carolina or Louisiana Lieutenant Governor did a superior tango or foxtrot or waltz. After all, didn't they do something like that in Atlantic City years ago to lengthen the tourist season?

And they should wear a fine costume. Preferably, one with epaulets, a sash, and a three-cornered hat. And give him a fine sword to wear! Have him appear in an official capacity to lead parades. Lieutenant Governors should help us satisfy our need for pageantry.

Since only Governors of California or South Carolina have news-worthy mistresses, our group of lieutenant governors must fill in the Mistress Gap, and flaunt them as an expression of the spirit of the states that they serve. I know I would feel edified if my state's Lieutenant Governor had a world-class mistress, and the fashion sense entertainment value he and she provides would be immeasurable! We would also benefit from our Governors not being seriously bothered by mistress distractions or paparazzis: we want working governors!

A truly working Lieutenant Governor could have some entertaining pasttimes, such as NASCAR driving or fish taco-making. In these uncertain times, our statemen and stateswomen must amuse us: God knows, we need it in this crisis-laden world. Vice-Presidents are the Federal equivalent of Lieutenant Governors. VP Quayle set a good model with his amusing vocabulary; but he would have become more loveable and amusing if he specialized in malapropisms. Obviously, Al Gore rose to the occasion when he claimed to have invented the internet, but he should have expanded his inventive career. Doing something like that would have even endeared Dick Cheney to the people!

Or probably not.

One other thing: Today's Mardi Gras!

[Wish I was there.]

An Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Linguistic Paradox

2012-02-19T11:46:00.006-06:00

Brian Hyland's song "Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" has been around for a long time; and although it was a hit by a minor pop star from the time bikinis were risqué, it has lasted well.  It was recently revived in a Yoplait commercial, the thesis being that yogurt is an excellent way to help in losing weight so you can look good in your bikini when it's the season. This is something that smacks close to home for all bikini-wearers, to be sure, for their gustatory indulgences to help them deal with the winter.

However, the song raises some issues that might have been overlooked:

1. What is "itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny," to use Brian Hyland's overkill term?

        a. Is it the bikini itself?

       b. Or is it the polka dots on the bikini?

2. What, exactly, is "yellow" in the song?

       a. Is it the bikini swimsuit?

       b. Or is it the polka dots on the swimsuit?

When the song came out in 1960 or so, it was considered shockingly brief; hency "itsy-bitsy" was a bit of overkill in use of words. Since then, the bikini has hatched several variations, from the "granny or Baptist" bikini suitable for country singers to wear without offending their fan bases, to the string bikini which provided fewer square inches in coverage. In effect, which of these two examples more faithfully depicts the implied reality of Brian Hyland's song?

Yellow bikini top, with polka dots

White bikni with yellow polka dots

Deconstruction interpretation argues that we cannot decipher the lyrics of the song without understanding the process by which the connotations and context behind a work are explored and analyzed in (often excrutiatingly fine) detail. When applied to writing, deconstruction takes it apart so as to better help us understand its relevance to real life (Derrida). This often means pursuing a concept's inner contradictions and the differences between how it appears in the work itself and how it compares to other related concepts both in writing of fiction or song lyrics and in everyday life. In other words, we cannot simply conclude whether it is the bikini that is itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, or its dots are; and likewise we cannot conclude whether it is the swimsuit that is yellow, or its dots.

Maybe the swimsuit itself is an itsy-bitsy light yellow string bikini; and it has teeny-weeny darker yellow polka dots on it. This would, logically, satisfy all possible interpretations.

The Laws of Anime

2012-02-17T14:59:00.000-06:00

Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.

Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1. Be female,
2. Will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation,
3. and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
1. Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate.
2. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
3. Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.

First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.

Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.

Adventures of the New Hampshire Scent Police

2012-02-15T15:27:00.001-06:00

A recent news item reported that the New Hampshire legislature was considering House Bill 1444, which aims to protect individuals with sensitivities to certain odors from suffering allergic reactions if they are exposed to these smells. Among the possible symptoms include a runny nose, nasal congestion, sneezing and overall altered lung function. Republican Michele Peckham filed this bill.

Actually, this is not the first time laws have been made mandating a scent-free environment, especially on the Left Coast. So imagine the logical consequence of this form of legislation: the formation of a State Scent Police or State Perfume Gestapo!

The New Hampshire Scent Police were having a pre-working day cup of coffee and steeling themselves for the rigors and dangers of enforcing the law to make state offices absolutely scent-free. Never mind that the essence of unwashed New Hampshirites would linger like a miasma, the law is for protection of all of us!

It was just yesterday that they were summoned to confront a male state worker for having an unapproved odor: it seemed that he used his wife's soap when his Approved Nonscented Soap had been used up. The sweet smell of jasmine gave him away; a scent that lingered as they dragged him down the hall, both defiant and sobbing from embarassment. The judge let him off with a fine and being sent to bed without his supper.

And what about yesterday's secretary arrestee? She was carried away in a patrol car because she failed to wash off her sin; that is My Sin. That's a cardinal sin in scentfree New Hampshire. And the specific offense of another was for wearing Beautiful; apparently, it's okay to be beautiful in New Hampshire (unlike Massachuetts), but you cannot smell Beautiful!

A pretty girl is like a poem; but I must remember that, whatever my millihelen measure, I must not wear Poême. Apparently, a poême d'amore is still acceptable in the Granite State among those flinty Yankees.

All was not ease in arresting malefactors. They had an arrest thrown out of court when they arrested a janitor for having a distinct cleaning fluid scent. And, in the summer, whenever the State Office Building's grass is cut, there's a lingering scent of onions in the air. However, they were instrumental in getting new additions to the State Motor Pool aired out for two weeks before they're pressed into service: none of that new car smell in New Hampshire!

Actually, our Scent Police Squad as a little on edge today. They were awaiting a foray into the DMV, a hotbed of olfactory crime. Reports that the workers there favored such scents as Pas Ce Soir, Mal de Tête, Ich Habe Meinen Zeitraum, Dolor de Cabeza, and Essence des Poissons Morts Depuis Longtemps. But, as always, they were on the lookout for their archenemy, Mr. Axe. They wondered as they strapped on their Kevlar vests and put on their gauze face masks, "Shouldn't they ban pre-movie commercials for that product?"

Teenaged girls and schoolteachers would hope for strict law enforcement in that case!

Contraband in New Hampshire

Curious

2012-02-14T14:55:00.001-06:00

Years ago, my boyfriend gave me a bottle of Curious perfume for Valentine's Day. [This was Britney Spears's perfume: intended for pre-teens.] It came in a gaudy bottle. I saved it for years, found it, and put it on today for Valentine's Day. A person at work commented on it. It was in my drawer, and had been transported from New Orleans. I hoped it didn't change. But I've done worse; once I wore pear scent from Pottery Barn and guys commented positively on it. It's nice being aound those that don't know the difference.

It was my first Valentine's present from a boy. He was cute, and a nice boy. I guess I'm sentimental. Valentine Day is a day for sentiment, for love. And to reflect on how lucky we are.

The current Adrianna Lima commercial for Valentine's Day flowers got the message wrong. You give her flowers because it makes her feel happy and loved, not to get sex.

By the way: I kissed the boy who gave me Curious. Deeply.

I wondered what they called it "Curious." I found out then.

I'm a sucker for sappy. And Valentine's Day is the time to be sappy. So tell him or her that you love him/her, and do the little graces of this day. It's not for Hallmark or the flower vendors, it's for you.

And remember the lyrics of the Shoop Shoop song:

Does he love me I wanna know

How can I tell if he loves me so
Is it in his eyes?
Oh no you'll be deceived
Is it in his sighs?
Oh no he'll make believe

If you wanna know if he loves you so
It's in his kiss
That's where it is

Or is it in his face?
Oh no it's just his charms
In his warm embrace?
Oh no that's just his arms

If you wanna know if he loves you so
It's in his kiss
That's where it is

Happy Valentine's Day!

Democrats, Republicans, and Sex

2012-02-13T13:02:00.003-06:00

A survey from Match.com reports that conservative Republicans have less sex than liberal Democrats, but that, when they do, it's likely to result in females experiencing an orgasm.

A survey relied on 6,000 American singles reported on their political leanings and their sexual activities.

About 53% of Republicans said they had orgasms almost every time they had sex, compared to 40 percent of Democrats. Republicans also engaged in love-making less frequently than Democrats.

Why do these differences occur? I offer several possible hypotheses:

1. Democrats lie.

2. Republicans lie.

3. Both Democrats and Republicans lie, but with different emphases.

4. Given that more orgasms are clitoral, Republican women are more into DIY.

5. Republican men, having wide experience with golf (a stereotypical Republican sport), learn better the intricacies of foreplay.

5. There is a water-bursting-through-the-dam factor to be weighed. Those who have sex less often enjoy it more when they do.

6. Republicans, having less experience, have easier standards to meet.

7. Democrats are jaded by too much sex.

8. Republicans try sex, and feel guilty because they enjoy it so much and it isn't golf.

The survey also revealed that the those in the differing political groups seek different traits in a partner.

What do liberal Democrats want? They place more importance on a sense of humor, independence, and someone whom they consider the equal and share a similar lifestyle to their own.

Republicans look for someone with the same background and political party and are more concerned with dating someone who's interested in marriage.

But neither is 100% absolute in party homogeneity. Only 17% of men and 20% of women said they "must have" someone belonging to their party.

I see further questions about this, though. The information that I found from different sources refers to "conservative Republicans" and "liberal Democrats." These seem like Procrustian categories. What about Blue Dog Democrats and RINOs? Does either group make love like bunnies and also have high rates of orgasms; or does the other group have sex rarely and also rarely it is orgasmic?

So, for the fans of casual sex: if you want to do it often, find a Democrat; if you want to enjoy it, find a Republican!

[I hope this doesn't offend sensibilities. I realize that I am writing about two of the three no-no categories: politics and sex, but hopefully by mentioning dogs I made up for it.]

Best of both worlds when it comes to sex?

Insensitivity Training

2012-02-11T09:49:00.001-06:00

The social trend of sensitivity training has crept into the Great Heartland of America as part of corporate life. Each year many corporations, universities, and government agencies require their workers to participate in programs that are designed to make them more sensitive to women and minorities, more judicious in speech, more aware of other customs, and particularly to deflect possible lawsuits for peccadillios such as sexual harassment or just simply saying the wrong thing in a public forum. (Remember John Rocker commenting negatively on those well-mannered New Yorkers?)

Does this training truly make people more sensitive? One wonders. It surely gives gainful employment for sensitivity trainers, who otherwise seem to be devoid of either skills or personality. But, hey, they're sincere and sensitive. That should count for something in a feel-good, self-esteem-oriented society. However, I have found an agency that gave a new twist on things: it provides Insensitivity Training for employees as part of the workplace introduction for occupations that see it as a useful tool in the employee's endowment. The sessions are conducted in a barroom. All participants, whether male or female, are encouraged to scratch and put their feet on the tables. Bowls of peanuts are also on the table, and the moderater invites everyone to eat as many peanuts as possible, and dispose of the shells by tossing them on the floor, tossing them across the room, or even flicking individual shells down each other's shirts or blouses.

There is a 15-minute movie entitled "Dare to Belch." This is followed by a brief panel discussion and then participants are grouped into mixed-gender groups of six. The less inhibited are to train and encourage the others in creative belching techniques. This leads to the development of teamwork and mutual tolerance. After all, who cannot get along with someone who belches so becomingly? Then, the more daring are drawn into a discussion of flatulence skills by Professor Bubba, with special prizes for the most entertaining.

Eye contact is to be avoided; especially with opposite-sex members. It is preferable to cast gazes somewhat below that level. After all, they don't speak. That might be a mercy in itself. Also, all are taught how to manicure their toenails in public, to pick their noses, and to braid their hair while someone is talking.

The uses of that all-purpose expression, "Whatever," will be discussed at length. Especially useful is to inform participants that calling senior citizens "Dude" makes them really feel at home.

There is an extended lunch of hot dogs and beans, with a keynote address by a moderator formerly with The Man Show. This is an occasion to practice various gross eating-related behaviors that were taught in the pre-lunch session. Trainees are expected to become proficient in slouching, slurping, eating with their fingers, wind-breaking, tossing biscuits (in both senses), and other fine accompaniments.

Insult Delivery Training is part of the course. It's really a shame, but the quality of insult in American discourse has declined. This session is designed to rectify that. It's taught by a hostile alcoholic P.M.S.-suffering English teacher who lives for the art of the insult. A French waiter serves as her assistant in this important area.

At the end of the Insensitivity Training course, members are presented with certificates attesting to their prowess and are offered jobs as telemarketers.

National Academy of Literature

2012-02-09T08:41:00.000-06:00

American literature has a great tradition, yet we have not as yet institutionalized it in the way that the French did with their Académie française. How can we separate the great literature from the works of scribblers? Well, we have the NY Times Best Seller List, which reflects sales in certain urban settings. We don't have a Montgomery Advertiser Best Seller List, for example.

In a way, this is an oversight of government by the Nanny State: after all, they do have the National Endowment of the Arts that occasionally comes under fire if present-day grantees somehow produce allegedly sacrilegious works or do something completely foreign to mainstream tastes, which trend towards bullighters on black vellum or the SI Swimsuit Issue.

The French, in their Gallic thoroughness, elect up to 40 members of their Académie; they are designated as immortals. When one inconveniently dies, they revoke his or her immortality status, and elect another one. And so it goes on. Now I'm sure the President and Congress together can come up with 40 or so authors that we can designate as immortals. They play so well on other occasions! Congress can assign them some worthy task as weeding out the bad words from Webster's Unabridged like some of their French counterparts do with their language.

In a way, the American English language is fearfully compromised. There was no single authority in place to vet possible words and slang expressions as they crop up like crabgrass on a suburban lawn, so American English is like the girl who is the easy lay in high school; or at least easy to get to second base with! And we have in effect a perfect storm of three happenings: the notorious easiness in which words come into the language, the closing of a major bookstore chain (and, in my opinion, the best of the big box bookstore chains), and the rise of e-publishing, so that the great unwashed can also get in the act of being authors. Oh dear, this will not do! Publishing companies and high-salaried editors with opulent expense accounts will be hurt in the pocketbook!

Yes, it's time for big government to step in. The President should propose a first list of one hundred authors as a starting point. A Joint Committee of Republican and Democratic congresspersons should narrow the list down to forty, possibly adding others as needed, and the whole Congress vote to establish the National Academy of Literature. You can imagine, perhaps, some possible members: Tom Wolfe, Stephen King, Janet Evanovitch, Michael Connelly, Thomas Pynchton, P. J. O'Rourke, Elmore Leonard, Nicholas Sparks, John Grisham, and Jennifer Crusie.

And, let's not forget, design some cool threads for our official novelists or nonfiction writers to wear on ceremonial occasions like appearing on late-night progrrams like Jay Leno or David Letterman. It would so totally be worth it to see Elmore Leonard or Tom Clancy decked out in their National Academy of Literature outfits!

And this would lead to a revival of American literature. After all, where do our novelists come from? Too many undereducated and failed journalists, for one. English majors at small colleges. Nice old Southern ladies with a twisted sense of irony and realism. Guys who took Word Processing in school as an elective. Sports writers. Equipping every one of the immortals with a cool uniform would make being a writer instantly cool! After all, don't women like guys in uniform?

I especially liked the Good Humor man.

Here's some members of the Academie française, in l'habit vert, their official uniform. Not only does the winner of the Masters' Tournament and King Babar the Elephant get to wear green!

Other countries have followed in this tradition; here's the Academia Brasileira de Letras. Presumably, they must be good at Sambas to qualify. Does the best dancer get to wear the sash?

An Unexpected Use of Religion

2012-02-07T14:39:00.000-06:00

I won't go into the usual pros and cons of religion: suffice it to say that philosophers, theologians, and scientists more learned and wiser than I have weighed in on this issue. However, I would like to advance a new one rarely mentioned but already discovered by errant Fundamentalists and politicians: It provides a basis of the concept of sin and therefore repentance.

Why not spare oneself the trouble, and remain sinless?

It happens that there is a useful social role in being a repentant sinner.

Consider the occasions of public confession favored by some Fundamentalist congregations. There you can stand up before all and confess all manner of wrongdoing; and because you Got Religion, your sins are washed away and everyone has treat you as a lost sheep returned to the fold!

Here's a Lewis Grizzard story to provide some flavor:

A minister pressured each member of his flock to stand and confess their most egregious sins. Assuring them of God’s forgiving grace, he exhorted them repeatedly to “Tell it all, Brother! Tell it All!” After a shocking litany of admissions to theft, adultery, drunkness and the like, the only unconfessed sinner left was a squirrely little guy cowering at the back of the church seeking desperately to avoid the preacher’s gaze as the Reverend and the rest of the congregation bombarded him with a relentless chorus of “Tell it All Brother! Tell it all!”

Finally, seeing that there was no hope of escape, the little guy rose meekly, and all but whispered, “Well, Preacher, one time I had sex with a goat.”

At that point the church falls deadly quiet until the pastor finally admonished, “Damn Brother! I don’t believe I’d ‘a told that!”

Sinning, seeing the light, and telling all about having done so, may be a way of sequentially having your cake and eating it too. Also, by hanging around other repenters, the person might find some new leads for persons to sin with!

Politicians had discovered years ago that having a Come to Jesus display if one had been caught with his fingers in the cookie jar can go a long way to rehabilitating their reputation. In a way, religion has replaced partiotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel.

Furnishing the Naked Room

2012-02-04T08:13:00.006-06:00

HGTV is a favorite channel for many people because it satisfies their need to see other places, how the other half lives, and to get decorating ideas. I especially like House Hunters International, and muse over why someone would desire to live in East Abunnia or Dorkistan. (And I feel a little provincial afterwards as a result.) Sometimes HGTV presents curious and innovative ideas for the house beautiful. I'd like to propose one.

In the romantic comedy Failure to Launch we consider a typical directionless soon-to-not-be-young man of 35 (Matt McConaguey) who doesn't marry and settle down, but who still lives with his parents (Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw) who hire a woman to turn him around (Sarah Jessica Parker). In one memorable scene, he confronts his father, who has taken up naturism. We get a shot of an All-Pro's cheeks, and the man proclaiming that "Well, this is my Naked Room. I mean, it's my house. A man ought to be able to do whatever he wants to do in his own house."

What a concept! A naked room. A room devoted to indoor naturism. Naturally, it would have originated in California.

It turns out that having a Naked Room is sometimes found on the West Coast. And I think it's a fine thing; a new concept calling for a special room dedicated to it. However, it might take a long time before there's trickle down into the hollers of West Virginia or the high rises of Atlanta.  Still, the West Coast is the trand-setting locale: America at its most innovative. But for those in other parts of the country, we crave instruction as to what should be the use of the naked room and how it should be furnished. After all, some day the Church Committee might be called on to decorate the naked room in the minister's house!

To help the process along, I offer a few modest guidelines:

1.  Obviously, the naked room should be comfortable, perhaps a little warmer than the spaces for wearing clothes. For the intrepid New Englanders desirous of getting in touch with themselves, a nice fireplace might add a comfy note. That thought might give the rest of us pause.

2. The furniture should be soft, gentle-texture lounge furniture, much like that found in spaces or beaches in other places. Plastic furniture is to be avoided.

3. An ample supply of large, fluffy towels should be provided for furniture coverings and for spot covering when needed for comfort. The color of the towels should blend compatibly with the furniture.

4.  A large skylight and windows is absolutely important. Natural lighting should be taken advantage of, both from the absorbing of Vitamin D and the warm, cozy feeling of sun. Obviously, use sunscreen or sunblock, depending on your skin type.

5. An adjacent patio with a hot tub is good. Swimsuits for the imhibited should also be provided, so that they can at least immerse their toes into the philosophy of the naked room.

6. Artwork should be chosen with care. One tasteful nude is good news; more than one may cause the viewers to wonder if they had strayed into the Bougereau room of the Art Museum. The remainder of the artwork being comprised of abstracts or ornithology prints.

7. The walls should, preferably, be painted in a soft white or other light shade to provide the maximum sensation of airy lightness. Avoid dark colors, as they tend to be oppressive! [Orange-painted rooms should be reserved for rooms used by in-laws.]

8. Music, music, music! Let there be music! A variety of genres are compatible with indoor naturism: classical, rock, soft rock, salsa, country, rap, etc. Be the first to go naked with Gregorian chants!

Solar Bikini and the Microbikini

2012-02-02T14:09:00.000-06:00

Here is an attractive bikini swim suit with a neat feature to it: beads on the bra and bottom string ties that change color depending on the UV Intensity level. This allows the user to see at a glance when she needs to use sun block or to retreat into the shade. The beads are an attractive feature that creates interest in what is otherwise an ordinary swimsuit but is also practical.

I'm afraid that the same cannot be said for something described as a "microbikini." I recently received an email offering such garments (?) for sale. Now I'm comfortable in a bikini; but this kind of swimsuit can only be described as LEWD! It consists of a patch barely covering the vagina, and two patches not completely covering the nipples and aureolas! It is the most offensive thing I could imagine someone wearing. As a matter of fact, a decent woman would not appear in one in front of her husband, much less in public!

I won't illustrate this travesty; but I'd like to reflect a little.

Why is complete nudity somehow less offensive? Because nudity can convet a sense of naturalness and innocence in certain contexts. In Titian's Sacred and Profane Love, the nude woman represents Sacred Love, the one lavishly clothed represents Profane Love.

But there's some other dimension; perhaps what Jonathan Haidt referred to as the "moral emotions" -- some things just feel "wrong," but you cannot account for that feeling totally rationally. Consider these examples:

A family's beloved pet dog gots run over. All were sad at the loss. But a family member remembered hearing that dog meat is delicious. [It's eaten in some cultures.] So they made and ate dog stew.

A brother and sister were traveling in Europe together. The decide, just for the experience, to have sex together. Both agreed to take precautions against pregnancy, they have their experience together and feel closer as a result. They both enjoyed it and felt no psychological consequences or physical consequences; but they agreed to make it a one-time thing. They never told anyone; and they felt that they have done nothing wrong.

A homeowner, needing some rags for household cleaning, used an old, worn out U.S. flag for the rags.

How do you feel about these vignettes? Do you feel that there is something, somehow wrong, though you can't put your finger on it?

I do; as a matter of fact, I'm somewhat creeped out by each. That's the point.

These feelings are not based on rational considerations. Haidt called them "moral emotions" or "moral intuitions." These may be an underlay in our ethical judgments. Sometimes things just "feel wrong;" and can't be explained. But these feelings are there and should be taken seriously.

Thoughts of Crazy Chester

2012-01-30T16:38:00.007-06:00

Crazy Chester is an everyday commentator and philosopher in New Orleans, in addition to taking bets. He usually sits before the door and speaks as he pleases. Usually, he does so in an agreeable way -- but there was the time of the great coffee shortage.

1. You can deal with a day without weed; but a day without coffee is a crying shame.
2. Don't drive a pimpmobile to take your Momma to church.
3. Not everbody sportin' LSU colors went there.
4. Expecting your boss to understand your being late is like expecting good food in Indiana.
5. Politicians go into lying like a preacher eating chicken.

6. If your lady's a stripper, you got to learn to live with other dudes lookin'.
7. Don't let the bastards get you down, taxes will.
8.  Good exercise is not a lot of fun.
9. If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.
10. Luxury is relative: sometimes all you need is a nice, warm bed.

11. Be noisy; if you're quiet, you're only partly living.
12. Pay attention to barking dogs and sleeping cats.
13. Try to make at least one person besides yourself happy.
14. If it's not right, then don't do it; if it's not true, then don't say it.
15. Don't bet more than you can afford to lose.

16.  Don't eat from the tamale carts unless you're okay about dog food.
17. I don't really want a sea cruise.  Would a ride on the Algiers ferry count?
18. Asking a politician for solutions to everyday problems is like asking a nun to handicap a horse.
19. Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.
20. Confidence is what you have before you understand the situation.

21. Love thuy neighbor, but don't get caught.
22. Love your enemies; it will confuse the hell out of them.
23. A man is as unhappy as he convinces himself to be.
24. New Orleans is a beautiful lady wearin' dirty underwear.
25. The trouble with nekkid dancing is that not everything stops when your dancing stops.

26. A smart man always remembers his lady's birthday but never her age.
27. I drink to make other people interesting.
28. Old Tom's purpose in life is to serve as a bad example to others.
29. Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
30.  Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

31. Money will make me happy. I'm easy
32. When people talk about "true facts," I wonder about those "false facts."
33. I was told that I was gullible ... and I believed them.
34.  Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the expressway.
35. Can I be totally partial?

36. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
37. Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
38. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
39.  Experience and paper wrappers is the what you have left when everything else is gone.
40. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

41. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
42.  What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
43.  My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
44. Politics is like betting on the horses; it's the fine art of persuading people that there is an easy, happy solution.
45.  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

46.  The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
47. God made weed because he wanted us to entertain him.
48.  How can there be self-help "groups"; isn't self-help when you do it by your lonesome?
49. Lawyers are always more ready to get a man into troubles than out of them.
50. Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

51. It’s good to be clever, but not to show it.
52. Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
53. One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool.
54. Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time.
55. Don't under estimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

56. I only work to enjoy when I am not working.
57. No one is listening until you fart.
58.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
59. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
60. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

61.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
62. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
63. It's all water under the fridge.
64.  High-toned women will be the end of me.
65. You never get in trouble by reading a book: you ain't saying nothin', and you ai't breakin' no laws.

66. They should serve beer at lunchtime in high school. For teachers.
67. Weather will happen, whether I watch it on television or not.
68. I turn my phone off during election time.

Sports Fans

2012-01-27T16:12:00.011-06:00

Just for the heck of it, let's celebrate a late 20th and early 21st century phenomenon: attendees at sports events dressing in costume as their form of participation. Think of it as a form of socially accepted display of histrionic tendencies that keep them from being drama queens in daily life, or having a full-barrelled case of the histrionic personality. This is very similar to the phenomena of Mardi Gras, cosplay, costume parties, and other occasions for self-display.

I have been informed that SERIOUS fans can even be buried in a casket with the lining in the colors and logo of their favorite team! Now that would possibly cause future archeologists to puzzle over what cult artifacts they discovered.

These Saints fans are a little over

the top, even for New Orleans.

This fan is asking for those huddled masses

and for a Team USA soccer win.

German soccer fans channeling

The Cat in the Hat.

These Senior Bowl fans are doing this

in early January, even if it is Mobile. I didn't know

Alabamians wore sombreros! Can we

rescind their statehood?

Why would anyone go to a football game in

northern Wisconsin would wear b bikini top, other

than for gaining attention and getting frostbite.

A Dutch sports fan, for reasons only to him,

dressed as an American Indian. Is scalping of tickets allowed there?

Some guys attending football games do so bare-chested

in frigid weather, as these Old Dominion University stalwarts.

                Oakland Raider fans, like Oakland itself, are especially scary.
                              Not a good idea in well-regulated families.

More of the same, plus a comparison to cosplay.

Coslay events generally occur indoors.

These ladies hope that Britainnia rules the

soccer field as well as the waves. And they

would not rule the yobs' attentions!

Sometimes sports fans editorialize.

                          Can we describe her outfit as a little cheesy?

"The horror, the horror!"
--Joseph Conrad

Paranoia

2012-01-25T08:58:00.005-06:00

The current American Psychiatric Association terminology is "Delusional Disorder," but this is commonly called paranoia. Built into this concept is the notion of extreme suspiciousness, coupled with delusional thinking: delusions of persecution, grandeur, or of reference. The nosological system is further complicated, with the concept of "paranoid personality disorder" (undue or extreme suspiciousness, but no active delusions).

Here's where the complications come in: We inhabit different social environments; some in which the expectations of mutual honesty and trust is fairly high, and others in which secrecy and disinformation is part of the game. We may go from one of these settings to another, and in doing so the perceptual rules change. I should trust my boyfriend, and I do. But I'm skeptical of claims in advertisements. In my opinion, a true paranoid is indiscriminate in how she or he deals with those diverse situations. But there's another aspect: paranoid thinking can become a habit because it's adaptive in a person's occupational or social or marital setting. So there's a tendency to generalize to other situations. And, in turn, sour one's outlook on life.

But there's another thing. For much of human evolutionary history, our ancestors lived in small bands or clans, and meeting strangers was a rare and possibly dangerous event. Not just for cavepersons, but even up to modern times. Meeting a stranger could have negative consequences: (a) he could kill or maim you, (b) he could rape you, (c) he could steal your stuff, and even (d) eat you. Consequently, xenophobia (fear of strangers) is built into humans. But is sure plays hell with living in a mass society.

Somewhere I read that paranoids have real enemies too. Part of the problem is what the paranoid-thinking person does in response to his or her paranoia. Does that person act abrupt or aggressive to others, have scary beliefs, write crank letters to newspapers or post bizarre content on the internet, hold up signs with messages that could be taken as an implied threat, such as:

"We came unarmed this time."

You know, seeing that particular message caused my mind to go into overdrive. It's one think to express publicly dissatisfaction with our system of government, but it's another thing to imply an active overthrow of our institutions. Yes, you: Tea Partiers and Occupy Whatever types. You scare the Hell out of me.

That, to me, is the heart of the problem with paranoia: paranoia is a contagious disorder. And, unfortunately, the collective media feeds this emotional reaction at times. And we have a total absence of civility in our national political dialogue. Should it be any surprise that there is this degree of mutual distrust?

A Thought Regarding California Girls

2012-01-23T13:14:00.005-06:00

Well East coast girls are hip
I really dig those styles thy wear
And the Southern girls with the way they talk
They knock my out when I'm down there.

the Mid-west farmer's daughters
really make you feel alright

And the Northern girls with the way they kiss

They keep their boyfriends warm at night

I wish they all could be California

I wish they all could be California girls

The West coast has the sunshine

And the girls all get so tanned

I dig a French bikini on Hawaii island

Dolls by a palm tree in the sand

Thus the Beach Boys, in their oldie song, characterize girls in different parts of the country. I have to wonder about a few things:

1) Aren't they rather superficial as to hipness, judging the East Coast girls as being that way because of their clothing? Isn't that more a reflection of affluence?

2) Just how do those Mid-west farmers' daughters make them feel alright? How many bases do they allow?

3) And what is it about the kisses of Northern girls? Do they French kiss? Are their boyfriends easily febrile?

4) However, the part of my greatest concern has to be what Southern girls do for them: They knock them out by talking!

Now, I have a Southern acccent; but its partly Cajun and partly Yatspeak. Not rendolent of moonlight and magnolias. Anyway, the Beach Boys are of an earlier time. But when the song came out, it was during Mom's girlhood. (As a matter of fact, she has recounted fond memories of the Beach Boys when she was young.)

Obviously, she was not a California girl. Still, it would have been nice to think that she could have dazzled those surfin' troubadors, for her sake.

But who would have been an example of a 1960's-era California girl?

Doing a little math, I figured it out that the California girls sung about by the Beach Boys would be in their sixties or seventies today. Now let's see?

Linda Ronstadt? She was cute. But, no, she was born in Phoenix.

Nancy Pelosi? Now that's a warped thought, Botox Nancy in a French bikini! No, rest easy. She came from Baltimore.

Barbara Boxer? No, she came from New York.

What is this? Is California ruled by non-natives?

Oh well, California girls from a later time developed into quality cougar material: Cameron Diaz, Courtney Cox, Carmen Electra. Maybe the Beach Boys were just jumping the gun a bit.

The Stolen Hipness Act

2012-01-21T15:31:00.001-06:00

It's a recurrent phenomenon: it seems that more people claim to have been in attendance at some significant really, really cool cultural event than possibly could have been there. I suppose the prototypical example is that of the number of persons who claim to be at Woodstock: certainly several times more than 400,000 claim to have been there. Some might have, theoretically, in the form of sperm or ova as yet to make their acquaintance.

Well, Senator Fooze is not happy with this phenomenon, and he is taking stern action to make it stop, yessiree! Like no bull, here! The Senator had a cow on this stolen hipness phenomenon up to here, and drafted legislation to correct this growing cultural problem!

Accordingly, if his legislation is passed, it would be unlawful to claim that one had been present at some seminal cultural, historical event unless they could produce bona fide proof of their attendance, or to claim their early adoption of some cool trend unless they can prove without a doubt that they were in the vanguard.

As Senator Fooze observed, "This legislation is intended to restore America to its level of hipness lost since the glorious days of the hair bands in the 1980's. Think of it as the All Non-Hip Adults Left Behind Act!"

A part of the act would include a National Registry of Cool Events, People, or Sites. Now let the partisan politics begin! And they won't be genteel. Will Twisted Sister make the list? How about Enya? Does attending Burning Man constitute hipness, or is a parvenu activity like Mooning Amtrak? Never fewar: Congress will spell it out.

Voting Bra

2012-01-19T14:59:00.000-06:00

Triumph International's Voter Turnout Lift-UP! bra is designed to look like a Japanese voting box and comes with bottoms made of ballots. The lingerie's wearer or admirers can cast their ballots by peeling off a ticket and casting it in the bodice. A pencil case on a string is available when the voters make their decisions. Isn't the combination of democracy and marketing grand? Or maybe we should remember Henry David Thoreau's words: "Beware of enterprises requiring new clothes."

A Triumph International spokesperson was quoted as saying, "While increasing interest in getting people to vote, we also developed a bra that would dramatically raise the national interest in the bust." As if it needed doing. We;;, they did not make a bust of it.

This silver metallic concept number, though, might have some features that cause politicians to remember those days when you could stuff the ballot box, like in Chicago. Each of these custom-made bras supposedly retails for a hefty $494. It does not have the same kind of problems that plagued Florida in the 2000 election.

Here in the U.S.A. we have a bra available for patriotic female voters to express their support for our electoral system on election day and feel uplifted in the process. More demure demoiselles might avoid wearing sheer blouses, or at least consider a matching patriotic camisole. The bras sold in Chcago can be stuffed, if there is a need to turn a close election.

Obviously, this festive bra could be worn on other days as well.....like the Fourth ofJuly, or if Wonder Woman needs an alternative costume.

Fight Internet Censorship Day

2012-01-18T09:35:00.001-06:00

~~SPOA~~

Write or e-mail Congress and express opposition to the so-called Stop Online Piracy Act

This is the time to stand up and be counted!

Remind them that this year is an election year --

and we're voting!

The Duke of Marlborough Effect

2012-01-17T09:35:00.004-06:00

The “Duke of Marlborough Effect” was mentioned by Richard Dawkins to refer to the increase in masculine libido that results from experiencing a victory, whether directly or vicariously. This was so-named from an entry in the Duchess of Marlborough’s diary, “His Grace returned from the wars today and pleasured me twice in his top-boots.” Male athletes tend to experience elevated testosterone levels before a contest; those who win tend to maintain afterwards those elevated testosterone levels, but the testosterone levels of losers drops dramatically afterwards.

There was likely a lot of canoodling in Old Boston when the Red Sox have won the Series. This was due to the Duke of Marlborough effect and the brief simultaneous release of proper Bostonian inhibitions.

This puts a new perspective on football or basketball season. Will the birth rate in certain football- or basketball-conscious states rise or fall dependent on whether the major state university has a successful season. Hmmm . . . . does this mean that because a university gets in seriously hot water with the NCAA or has a succession of losing football seasons, will both their athletic fortunes and libidoes (and possibly the birth rates of the states in which they are located) are likely to decline? Obviously, this should apply to pro teams also.

Lastly, what about Sarah Churchill? From her choice of description, it does not seem that she was unhappy with the Duke's performance.

Bookstore Pests

2012-01-15T14:07:00.000-06:00

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Staff

FROM: The Uberboss

DATE: September 21, 2011

RE: Troublesome Customers

My attention has been recently drawn to some troublesome customers that seem to be increasing in number, and need to be dealt with in a way that minimizes problems and customer dissatisfaction. It is imperative that all staff be on the same page in this matter, as our corporate success is dependent on teamwork and a cooperative spirit. Naturally, I welcome possible solutions for these misguided people:

1. The Indoor Skater. Lately, we have had several skatebaorders or skaters coursing through the store on wheels, scaring other customers and diminishing the sedate décor. This may result in customer injuries and possible customer loss. Accordingly, I am directing maintenance to install speed bumps at random intervals within the aisles.

2. The Dirty Old Man. Frequently hanging around the "adult" magazines, this person rarely buys, but spends hours in perusing the materials. I direct that anyone spending more than 20 minutes in this site be given a bath and good scrubbing. Afterwards, each suitably sudded former dirty old man will be given a tract persuading that cleanliness is next to godliness.

3. The Coffee Freak. Baristas will now enforce a "two shots" limit. Any more coffee will have to be decaf. Wired customers tend to speed read and reshelf rather than buy.

4. The Wet-the-Finger-and-Read Customer. These will be deprived of browsing privileges, and purchase books or magazines unseen. Repeat offenders will be deprived of offending digits.

5. The Bookstore Furniture Is for Sleeping Customer. This should be a signal for staffers to vacuum the immediate area, especially if said customer uses shelves for sleeping.

6. Intellectual Gladiators. Sometimes customers get into arguments, and this leads to fisticuffs. This cannot be allowed to escalate into a generalized brawl between different philosophical camps. Instead, have the two meet in the ring in the back, put on mitts, and debate!

7. The Pickup Romeo (Juliette). These are easy to manage. Merely direct him (or her) to a nearby club or church. Tell them, "Hon, are you sure you would meet someone here that you could take home to Mama?" That confuses them.

8. The Proselytizer. Wierdo who passes out leaflets for free. The danger is that customers won't buy our stuff.

9. Coffee Shop Lecturer or Performer. There's always some who show up. This might well be dealt with by having an Open Mike Monday, where anyone can get up and perform. (Staff members with accordions are forbidden to participate.)

10. The Publication Mutilator. Occasionally a patron may mutilate books or magazines. These fall into two categories: the censor and the coupon-clipper. Act very shocked and disappointed with the first offense. And make them pay for the art book. Second and subsequent offenses call for the person to wear a conical hat and sit on a stool in front of the store.

PDA

2012-01-13T13:31:00.002-06:00

I had no idea that kissing would be disapproved of in some places, and that Florida was so prudish. I suppose this explains my strange encounter on a Florida beach with a policeman. I'm not surprised, somehow, that those easy-going Hawaiians love lovers, but I have to revise my image of Iowans.

I'm at a total loss regarding Seattle and Phoenix being in the lowest 10 of the PDA-friendly cities.

A Discouraging Word on the Primaries, but I'm Not in the Wild West

2012-01-12T15:57:00.000-06:00

It's only January, and already I've managed to develop reservations about all of the people running for President, without exception.

All of the dramatic personae in this endurance contest that we call the political primaries seem to be the type who would have been in the S.G.A., whether in high school of college.

Think back: would you vote for those players that you remember as the S.G.A. wonks back in high school? I hope, for the sake of your mortal soul (if you think it's unextended substance) that you wouldn't.

Now, I know it's easier to see that with some than with others. Newt Gingrich and Barack Obama would have been BMOCs in an earlier time on any campus. Rick Perry, maybe an S.G.A. type in some cow college like Texas A and M. Mitt Romney: an S.G.A. wonk to the core wherever he went to high school or university. Even Michelle Bachmann. Ron Paul? Well, he may be the exception.

Why do I have these reservations about people who look like S.G.A. players? Because there's a common perception that the S.G.A. in many schools is where the adult power structure (the faculty or at least the administration) engages in a strategy of control over the students by bestowing power and recognition on favored ones and making it hard for others. In the 1999 Matthew Broderick/Reese Witherspoon movie Election one of the candidates runs on a platform of disbanding the S.G.A., and the administration tossed her out of the election. No, no . . . . they don't want some radical lesbian upstart doing something to eliminate their ability to control the student body behind the scenes.
Why should there be any surprise? People who turn to sandbox politics as youth may develop a taste for the big-league stuff later.
I mean, what a power trip! To be able to act as a mover and a shaker in a future political process, this is some control freak's fantasy.

But in some amazing way, this might be what happens on a large scale, with the two major political parties, the mass media, and politicians in those proverbial smoke-filled rooms. And this is why we should keep our minds and hearts open, and not be led like donkeys into simply accepting the maxims of the media or the slogans of the time. It's a mixed bag, this national duty of voting. The only way of doing it well is to get informed as well as you can. Straight ticket voters and random lever-pullers just put noise nto the collective decision-making process. Somehow, it reminds me of Pascal's Wager: you have to play; and eternal bliss is not one of the possible playoffs. Therefore, make your opinion catchment a wide one; and vote like it's going to be majorly important.

Because it is.

The Goddesses Euphemia and Belldandy

2012-01-09T09:56:00.001-06:00

The Most Serene Goddess Euphemia was less than serene at that moment, disconsolate that mortals persisted in their use of dysphemisms. At the present time, she was disheartened by their persistent use of (to her) offensive terms regarding various sexual acts. Obviously, the F Word reliably caused her to blanch; but certain other expressions did, too. Specifically, those applicable to female parts, male reproductive parts, and certain noncoital actions. Thing about those ending with "job." Their very usage suggests something unpleasant, like septic tank job or lube job. Oh well.

But she could make no headway. In desperation, she consulted with a minor sister goddess, Belldandy, who seemed to have acquired an intuitive knowledge of humans by living with one for a while. A Platonic relationship, I hasten to add!

Anyway, Belldandy listened very carefully, and emphasized that Euphemia might get better results if she considered proper word usage from a sales perspective: avoiding dysphemisms help the person get ahead. Consider this: most guys would like to ramp up their sex lives, and they usually have enough cool not to say, "Hey, baby, let's f***!" But they might not necessarily know certain other pitfalls, like referring to the lady's **** or asking for a **** job.

So Euphemia told a college guy not to use **** or **** or ****, by indicating that those expressions are turnoffs to girls. Suprisingly, he listened very carefully, and seemed to get it after a while.

He then said, "So let me get this straight, lady. If I don't use those expressions, I'm more likely to get laid?"

Euphemia realized that she still had a ways to go.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Geaux Tigers!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

197th Anniversary of the Battle of New Orleans

2012-01-08T08:03:00.008-06:00

On this day in 1815 a put-together group of soldiers consisting of American regulars, Louisiana militia, Tennessee and Mississippi volunteers, Choctaw Indians, free men of color (as they were termed back then), and Barataria pirates led by Andrew Jackson defeated the British at Chalmette, having established a defense line along the Rodriguez canal.

This was the most one-sided victory over a major force by American soldiers.

This link gives the American Order of Battle:

http://mliyr.multiply.com/notes/item/29?&show_interstitial=1&u=%2Fnotes%2Fitem

January 8, 1815

A Little Ethnic Observation

2012-01-07T11:46:00.056-06:00

Being the possessor of a double-barrelled Cajun name and being out of Louisiana by a far piece, I sometimes encounter strange expectations of others.

A minor one has to do with the spelling of my name. I've totally given up on the first name; and go simply by Angel. Some expect me to be a large, Hispanic male and are disappointed when I don't habla very well. The last name is more problematic: it ends in a silent "X." Thus, it sounds like some slang expression of familiarity that urban youths use. More than once I've gotten told "That is so wrong!"

But there's the comic Cajun stereotype. The story behind the Cajuns goes back to the Grande Dérangement, a bit of ethnic cleansing done by Perfidious Albion in 18th century Nova Scotia, then called Acadia.* What did Britain do with inconvenient French-speaking families who had improved the land and who were farmers and fishers? Simple, they kicked them out. And a considerable number migrated to French and Spanish colonies in the latter half of the 18th century where they started the process of establishing farms and ranches all over again.

While I have an accent (New Orleans urban, sometimes called a Yat accent), it lacks being picturesque or folksy. But I can put it on at will. On some points I know how to fish and drink beer; but I have never gotten into a knife fight in my life. As a matter of fact, for girls to fight in any form is regarded as so déclassé where I come from! Didn't God make guys to do heavy lifting like that?

One time I found it useful to establish that I was, in fact, a real ethnic. It happened that I had an Acadian costume from some cosplay event, and I wore it to a graduate class once. Talk about being delightfully noticed! I soon learned that sort of thing was frowned upon. What fun is life if you can't go in costume? I think that attractive guys should dress like musketeers!

Here's a little musical treat: "Jolie Blonde," an instrumental of a traditional Cajun song.

http://smokeschool.net/Jolie_Blonde.mid

and "Jolie Blonde," by a great artist, Georges Rodrigue:

And have a nice Turbo Dog sometime!

*I tend to be blunt before my daily chicory coffee intake.

Redneck Chic or High Water Mark of the Confederacy?

2012-01-04T20:07:00.007-06:00

I believe that the Civil War, or the War Between the States, or however it might be styled is over, and there's no need to bring it up. Likewise, it's a pretty good idea in terms of general goodwill and national amity to downplay those the Confederate trappings. After all, why offend anyone? Indeed, it's only a small number of people, typically a discontented underclass, that goes in for that it the South nowadays; and most often the Late Unpleasantness is something that Northerners bring up for purposes of being pains in the backside. However, I must report seeing Confederate symbols and redneck trappings being displayed in an unexpected setting: The Hamptons! Yes, I went there once on down time while working as a textbook rep. I wanted to see how my Betters lived.

Having done so, I wondered: Is this an example of the wearing of clothing as an ironic expression?

Are these, or their parents, migrants to that area from the South, as opposed to natives?

Are these people doing it to annoy their sophisticated neighbors?

Or, just maybe, there is something else transpiring. Possibly nostalgie de la boue . . . .

I did some sleuthing. The Confederate fans spoke in what appeared to be New York or Connecticut upper class accents, talked about their bonds and trust funds, and drank martinis and expensive chardonnets, instead of Bud and Jack Daniel's. Their rides were Beemers, Mercedes, Lexuses, or Lambroghinis. There was just a lot of fauxness going on, as Crazy Chester would say.

Clearly, in their attempt to grope the latest trend, they went to the outskirts of the social universe. The avant garde is like pornography or an arms race; it becomes increasingly difficult to be always in the forefront.

For these people, the Confederate symbols are an expression against the status quo. But are these people Hank Williams, Jr. or Lynyrd Skynrd fans? How would they respond to Freebird?

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What Not to Display in Your Office or on Your Facebook Page

2012-01-03T08:35:00.018-06:00

There are some situations in which you should eschew self-expression and individuality in terms of practicality. Social settings, including the social media come to mind. Like is a semi-serious game, with real-life consequences. A consequence to be avoided is one that puts you in bad graces of the Human Resources Office wherever you work. While there are some areas, such as those involving the milirary or national security, that deserve intense scrutiny of employees, many staff members in Human Resources Offices have lot of time on their hands and are curious. So they go into the social media sites on fishing exhibitions, or look over your offices.

Trust me: you don't want to have these linked with you:

1. A collection of traffic tickets on display.

2. A Hurricane glass from Pat O'Brien's in your work cubicle.

3. Your boyfriend's briefs, either in your cubicle or in your Facebook pictures.

4. A trophy that proclaimed that you won a wet t-shirt contest in Daytona Beach.

5. Fake vomit.

6. Any letter of censure from a Homeowner's Association.

7. Your membership in the Tea Party.

8. Your membership in some extreme left-wing organization.

9. A stack of The Watchtower.

10. A stack of Cosmopolitans, even though you read it ironically.

11. A picture of you before the porcelain throne.

12. A picture of you on the porcelain throne.

13. A picture of you in your nightie.

14. This is especially true if you're a guy.

15. If you're working for a company in a city with an NFL team, a coffee mug with the logo of some rival team. [Especially not a NY Yankee mug if you're in Boston!]

16. A picture of Justin Bieber or Megan Fox.

17. A picture of you at a Deadhead gathering.

18. A pin-up picture of you, no matter how cute you look.

19. This is especially true if you're a guy.

20. Anything on line or on desk that shows an anti-company or antischool attitude.

21. A lot of cartoons on your office door or cubicle wall. This suggests that you are frivilous or even irreverent.

22. A poster for a politician that might offend anyone. Actually, you might be able to post one of George Washington or Millard Fillmore.

23. A bowl of candy or a live plant on your desktop. Yes, there are some in offices that object to such harmless things.

24. Hello Kitty or Domo-kun on your Facebook or on your desk. Some people object to kawaii just on principle, plus it makes it look like you're not cut out for managerial roles.

I just thought of an exception. Wasn't there an Army general who had a figure of Bart
Simpson? Now, he recognized a great American hero!

A Cajun Gets Inaugurated President

2012-01-02T14:46:00.000-06:00

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman, a Louisiana State University graduate, as President of the United States, Suzanne Boudreaux. A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father and says, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don’t think so. It’s a 30 hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"Oh Dad," replies Suzanne, "I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. Dad, I really want you to come."

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Suzanne Boudreaux is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad, noticing the senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Dad says proudly, "She was the Head Cheerleader at LSU, and her brother played football there."

Happy New Year 2012!

2012-01-01T10:35:00.001-06:00

I'm not worried about any old Mayan prediction. This is going to be a great year! I hope you will have a great one!

Good Vibrations

2011-12-30T15:41:00.013-06:00

In the results of a new national survey of more than 3,000 Americans (both male and female, between ages 18 and 60), most respondents reported feeling positively about women using vibrators. What's more, the study indicated that positive beliefs about vibrators were correlated with higher levels of overall sexual satisfaction and other measures of sexual function.

The survey was the first to examine beliefs about vibrators, said lead researcher Debra Herbenick, an associate director at Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion. The participants were recruited from an existing research panel and invited to take part in a study about sexual enhancement products in 2008. In it, 2,056 women and 1,047 men responded to the survey online. They were mostly middle age, white and having higher than average levels of education.

In it, participants were asked whether they agreed or disagreed with positive beliefs on these positive items regarding vibrators such as these:

(a) "makes it easier for a woman to have an orgasm"

(b) "is a healthy part of many women's sex lives"

and negative items such as these:

(a) "makes women too dependent on them for pleasure"

(b) "is intimidating to women's partners".

About half of the participants "agreed" or "strongly agreed" with all positive statements about vibrators, while fever than 10 percent of participants endorsed negative beliefs.

Women with positive beliefs who had used vibrators in the past 30 days reported higher levels of arousal, lubrication, orgasm and sexual satisfaction, and lower levels of pain during sex, than those with positive beliefs who hadn't used the sex toys as recently.

The researchers are not entirely sure how vibrator use improves sexual function, Herbenick said. Women who feel better about their bodies and sex in general may be more likely to use vibrators, or there could be something specific about vibrator use itself that contributes to better sex.

In general, using a vibrator seems to be not only a "feel good" activity, but may be a positive enhancement to a healthy woman's normal sex life.

[But maybe not this. In my opinion, using a Hello Kitty vibrator is just wrong.]

René Descartes

2011-12-29T16:44:00.000-06:00

René Descartes (1596-1650) was one of the foremost figures in philosophy and mathematics; responsible for his interactive dualistic theory of mind-body relationships, his proof of his own existence ("Cogito, ergo sum), his work in optics, and his discovery of analytic geometry. He was, in many ways, the Renaissance man of his time.

He also had a little secret: he had a fetish for cross-eyed girls. He admitted to as much in one of his philosophical works: when he was young, he was in love with a Madamoiselle who possessed such a feature. As he got older, he maintained a generalized preference for cross-eyed girls. Interestingly, he found that his development of awareness of his prediliction's origins helped him to stop having it.

Too bad for 17th-century cross-eyed chicks.

Don Esteban Rodriguez Miró

2011-12-27T05:00:00.018-06:00

Sometimes governmental officials and politicians do the right thing; and we should wonder at those moments of grace amid the usual weeds of corruption, A truly shining example occurred in Louisiana in the 1790's with Don Esteban Rodriguez Miró.

In Louisianan Miró is chiefly remembered for two reasons: his speedy and effective rebuilding of the city after the disasterous fire of 1788, and for having prevented the establishment of the Spanish Inquisition in the territory. This last act was an act of high courage, without a doubt.

The story as written by 19th century Louisiana historian Charles Gayarré:

"The reverend Capuchin, Antonio de Sedella, who had lately arrived in the province, wrote to the Governor to inform him that he, the holy father, had been appointed Commissary of the Inquisition; that in a letter of the 5th of December last, from the proper authority, this intelligence had been communicated to him, and that he had been requested to discharge his functions with the most exact fidelity and zeal, and in conformity with the royal will. Wherefore, after having made his investigations with the utmost secrecy and precaution, he notified Mirò that, in order to carry, as he was commanded, his instructions into perfect execution in all their parts, he might soon, at some late hour of the night, deem it necessary to require some guards to assist him in his operations.

Not many hours had elapsed since the reception of this communication by the Governor, when night came, and the representative of the Holy Inquisition was quietly reposing in bed, when he was roused from his sleep by a heavy knocking. He started up, and, opening his door, saw standing before him an officer and a file of grenadiers. Thinking that they had come to obey his commands, in consequence of his letter to the Governor, he said: 'My friends, I thank you and his Excellency for the readiness of this compliance with my request. But I have now no use for your services, and you shall be warned in time when you are wanted. Retire then, with the blessing of God.' Great was the stupefaction of the Friar when he was told that he was under arrest. 'What!' exclaimed he, 'will you dare lay your hands on a Commissary of the Holy Inquisition?' — 'I dare obey orders,' replied the undaunted officer, and the Reverend Father Antonio de Sedella was instantly carried on board of a vessel, which sailed the next day for Cadiz."

So much for Gayarré's purple prose.

As a little background, Louisiana was ceded to Spain by France in 1767. The Louisianans had a brief revolution, which was crushed with a few hangings, and the new Spanish colony drifted off into the usual corruption. In the 1790's fearing some New World manifestation of the French Revolution, the Crown sent the Inquisition in place. Fray Antonio Sedella was, in effect, its enforcer. He was granted extraordinary powers to root out all manner of unorthodoxy, including perhaps the use of torture!

Governor Miró saw this as a bad thing that would depopulate the colony, so he kicked the good padre out! Hasta la vista, Padre! Miró's policy, approved by the Crown, had originally been to strengthen Spain's hold on Louisiana against the newly emergent United States and other powers by encouraging settlement; in doing this, he developed a practice of compromise: requiring the public practice of Catholicism, but ignoring private worship. Louisianans at that time were Catholic predominantly, but relatively loose and nonorthodox in their practice. This attitude towards religion there still persists today.

It is important to remember that the Spanish Inquisition had considerable teeth even in the 18th century: it could ruthlessly punish its enemies. It was not beyond possibility that a governor of a minor colony could himself be the major offering in an auto-de-fé!

So remember Steve Miró and his grandes cojones de acero! He rose up to be a courageous leader when it was most important: he thwarted the only attempt to establish the Inquisition in what became eventually the United States. Louisianans have cause for gratitude.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T18:41:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas to all my friends.

Angel

Determinants of Attraction to the Opposite Sex

2011-12-24T09:11:00.000-06:00

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

But are there some universals regarding the perception of attractiveness? More than was originally thought. Women are seen as more attractive if they have ‘baby-faced’ or feminine features such as large eyes, a small nose, a small chin, full lips, and youthfulness. In general, women's perceptions as to what is more handsome involve features such as strong jaws, broad foreheads, and musculature – features that suggest strength and dominance.

What about body proportion? There's some interesting research there. In general, men find a woman’s shapes to be most attractive if she is of normal weight, neither too heavy nor too slender, and has a waists that is narrower than her hip. The most attractive waist-to-hip ratio is a curvy 0.7 in which the waist is 30% smaller than the hips. In most cases, women who are overweight are judged to be less attractive than slender and normal women are, but thin women are not more attractive to men than women of normal weight. By contrast, many women tend to equate slimness with beauty: Audrey Hepburn was the Platonic example of this type.

Some other features may influence the perception of attractiveness. Both men and women tend to prefer partnerships in which he is taller than she. A potential partner’s body odor seems to be of influence as well. Lastly, women are more attractive to men when they have longer rather than short hair.

There are behavioral determinants of attractiveness, too. Women are more attracted to men who are kind, polite, and who like children and animals. As a matter of fact, being seen as caring for a pet (as long as there's not too many) is viewed as a positive sign by members of both sexes.

Sazerac Cocktail

2011-12-22T18:02:00.000-06:00

This is the classical New Orleans cocktail.

Ingredients
Crushed ice
1 teaspoon absinthe, Pernod, or Herbsaint liqueur
Ice cubes
1 teaspoon simple syrup
1 1/2 ounces rye or bourbon whiskey
3 dashes Peychaud's Bitters
1 lemon peel twist

Simple Syrup Preparation:
Use an old-fashioned glass that had been chilled.

Add the Herbsaint, absinthe, or Pernod to the glass; swirl it around to coat the entire sides and bottom of the glass. Discard the excess.

In a shaker, add some ice cubes, sugar, rye whiskey, and bitters. Shake gently for about 30 seconds; strain into the prepared old-fashioned glass.

Twist lemon peel over the drink and then place in the drink.

Note: use absinthe at your own risk. I know it's again legal, but I wouldn't go there. I use Pernod instead.

I hope those who try it enjoy it.

Starter Marriages, Starter Candidates, and Other Temporaries

2011-12-21T07:30:00.000-06:00

In viewing the Republican process of selecting a Presidential candidate for 2012 it seems to be a logical progression of a trend already recognized in other areas.

Years ago, realtors successfully introduced the idea of the "starter home;" effectively persuading couples that they should "trade up" residences to go with increased family size or affluence. After all, the prospect of a young married couple growing gracefully or otherwise in the same home all their lives was a prospect that did not please. Then the idea of "starter marriage" came into popular usage. Some if it was an offshoot of the sexual revolution: if Missy and Junior were to be "doing it," then they could do so without embarassing the family by being in a temporary marriage! And if it didn't work out, then it would be water under the bridge.

We didn't call it then, but I suppose we had "starter boyfriends." Or maybe they were like our bikes with training wheels on them. And most of us had temporary jobs, not hopefully our final calling. And (nearly) half of us have the experience of training bras! Actually, it did make one feel grown-up, of sorts. Well, after a week, they started to be the annoyance that they are.

Anyway, we have the spectacle of the Republican de jour -- depending on the vocalizations of the fanboys and fangirls in the G.O.P., as well as the playahs in the media who relish in their ill-conceived roles as kingmakers. Unfortunately, it's a Tall Poppy Syndrome condition in play: whoever is in the lead, there are others who are very willing to find fault with that person and see him cut down to size. And some of them manage to give their critics the means.

What a motely crew! There's the Fig Newton guy, and the Massachuetts guy, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, and the tin hat squad. And President Obama. But his court jester Joe Biden and his loathsome henchpersons Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are lurking around. To paraphrase the Duke of Wellington, "I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me."

And there's the fact that whoever is the final Republican nominee has to win the party nomination first; therefore, he has to appeal to a limited, right-leaning portion of the spectrum. A broader spectrum is apt to vote on election day. Therefore, they are in a sort of dilemma: to they vote with their hearts, or with their heads. The heads in many cases have joined the unemployed.

The Democrats will have this same problem in 2016. I figure Obama will be their nominee in 2012, but there's no bright star on the horizon. Since he can't have more than two terms, they are going to have to go through a similar process.

As for us, I look for a seemingly endless number of telephone calls for "polls" and to extol candidates. It's like playing post office with third-class males.

Maybe as we decide on our favorite candidate, we could get panties with his/her name emblazoned on the backside. Now this cheeky action might be very appropriate! Perhaps Victoria's Secret could get into the act.
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I wish I could write in Bobby Jindal. He's bright, honest, and attractive. But that's just a reverie.

More on the Mickey Gilley Effect

2011-12-19T07:41:00.001-06:00

Both women and men respond to the Mickey Gilley effect.

The North Carolina Possum Drop and PETA

2011-12-18T10:42:00.009-06:00

Clay Logan, the owner of Clay's Corner store in Brasstown in western North Carolina, has been lowering an opossum in a transparent box to the ground every New Year's for 18 years. This is in a mock emulation of the famous ball drop in New York's Times Square. It's a little rural entertainment for the locals that happened to be mentioned in an article in The New York Times. The animal is caged and well-fed for about two weeks before the end-of-year ceremony; and is lowered, not dropped. Once the "drop" is done, the opossum is released. No possums were injured in this process. The local festivities can swell this town of 250 into about 3,000 attendes. No alcohol is served, strange to say. [sigh]

It seems like a good old-fashioned form of rural entertainment, in which locals create a good time for themselves while doing no one and no thing harm.

However, this year, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has gotten into the act. They called on the state Wildlife Resources Commission to put a halt to the tradition, saying the activity is cruel and illegal. Specifically, PETA Director Delcianna Winders weighed in with this statement. "Using a captive opossum as the centerpiece of a raucous party is cruel and illegal."

"C'est la vie," as Maw-Maw would say. Paw-Paw would say, "Tout le monde se fout de tout ici!" which I will forbear to translate.

In my opinion, this is a good case of why people from different sections come into conflict with each other. These rural North Carolinans are going to feel that this is another example of bullying and meddling from Yankees who don't bother to get the facts right and who have an agenda that makes them the butt of it.

In fact, the PETA people may have been misled by the very term "possum drop." In fact, it's a possum lowering. One only wonders how PETA would react to snipe hunts, skin the bunny, turkey shoots, or other rural recreations that is foreign to their urban ethos! Maybe the more active members of PETA could go to western North Carolina and protest possum lowering like they do the wearing of fur: by protesting in their lingerie or less! Now THAT would be a welcome augmentation to Brasstown's celebration and would give the local minsters several Sundays worth of sermons!

Boudoir Photography for Guys

2011-12-16T08:10:00.000-06:00

Boudoir photography has been around for over thirty years now. Jan and Michael Stern noted in this social phenomenon in their Encyclopedia of Bad Taste. And, to date, practically all subjects of boudoir photography are women.

Why do women choose to pose? A few do so because they are pressured into doing so; but the largr number do so for other reasons: as a present for their fiancé or boyfriend, to celebrate successfully obtaining some attractive store-bought ta-tas, because they want to see (and be seen) an a non-ordinary sensual way, to celebrate their beauty or vanity, or as a memento for the future of how they had been more beautiful at one time. I'm not going to be presumptive to censure or ridicule any of these reasons.

Anyway, now to my story.

Clarissa was a professional photographer. She did the usual business: wedding portraits, baby pictures, family portraits, and occasionally some school pictures (which were lucrative). As a sideline, she offered boudoir photography as well, obtaining a collection of possible costumes, possible props, and posing ideas. She read on what kinds of poses and costumes did customers like: nighties, transparent bras and panties, bikinis, décollété, leg shots, and so forth. She became regionally known for her ability to produce flattering pictures.

One day, she had an inspiration: Why not double the number of potential customers by offering boudoir photography for gentlemen? So she did. She got costumes for guys: spandex shorts, form-fitting shirts, teeny undie bottoms, lounging pyjamas. I must say that the standards of boudoir photography involve implied sexiness, not actual nudity or porn. She would turn away any customers who requested such photography as being unethical.

However, Clarissa found that most unaccompanied guy customers chose to pose in briefs. And not colored ones, either!

Clearly, there was a lack of a well-defined aesthetic when it came to male boudoir photography. Clarissa did, however, find a partial solution: quite a few guys selected a pose in which they reclined, but had a top hat covering their lower torso. A few enterprising fellows selected the sombrero alternative, despite the rule that no one looks good in a sombrero!

Finally, Clarissa found the winning formula: a reclining pose in which the guy posed in a speedo; but wore a baseball cap with the logo of his favorite team! Clarissa was astonished to discover that apparently there was such a large number of female sports fans out there that would find that to be sexy!

Mickey Gilley Effect

2011-12-14T08:59:00.009-06:00

This refers to the tendency by male bar or tavern attendees to perceive the women or girls present in that setting as more attractive in the later part of the evening, as opposed to earlier. This may be due to the results of intoxication, reduced standards out of increasing despiration, or an (unlikely) objective improvement in the attractiveness of those females present. Mickey Gilley's country song, "The Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time," first described this perceptual relationship. Interestingly, social psychology research supports this alteration in perception. I'll keep late hours!

"Beer goggles" is more formally referred to as the Mickey Gilley effect. It can be a precursor to the coyote ugly consequence and occasional buyer's remorse.

The Naked Truth

2011-12-11T09:20:00.001-06:00

There seems to be a strong separation between the literal and the metaphorical here. Perhaps the expression "unvarnished truth" should substitute for "naked truth." At any rate, they seem to have blown a reasonable opportunity to having an excuse for putting a naked person on a book cover to increase book sales.

Tom the Tapir

2011-12-08T10:16:00.000-06:00

Secretary: Mr. Royce, there's a pig to see you about being in a show.

Royce: Come in Mr. Pig. I'm afraid that we have a surfeit of swine here in 'Vegas. It would take a remarkable talent to become a headliner. Have you any references?

Tom the Tapir: Actually, Sir, I'm a tapir. And tapirs in your dreams have the function of eating nightmares. But I'm afraid that the nightmare that is Las Vegas is too indigestible for even the most intrpeid tapir, so I want to be in show business. I think that it would fit in with my artistic sensibilities and temperament. As for that, I am taking Prozac to deal with those issues. I might mention that my name is Tom, and I'm from Lubbock.

Royce: What can you do that's so entertaining?

Tom: Well, Mr. Royce, I can sing. And dance. [Does a neat little number with a straw hat and cane.]

Royce: Hmmm, may have something there. What kinds of dances do you know?

Tom: mostly polkas and line dances. But I was briefly with the Texas Ballet. I had to quit because I dropped too many ballerinas doing grand jetés.

Royce: No, polkas, line dancing, and ballet are not what the Las Vegas crowd prefers. Can you learn tap?

Tom: I suppose so. I'm the most graceful tapir in southern Nevada. But what kind of tune should I tap to:?

Royce: Something easy, like "Tea for Two," maybe? And you need to ditch those speedoes. How about a nice tuxedo? Remember, you're going against Wayne Newton and Jay Leno here, and the audiences expect classiness in Las Vegas entertainment. We need to liven the act up further. Can you dance while holding candles in each hoof?

Tom the Tapir: I can do it. Easy. I've studied multitasking at the Recreation Department.

Royce: Very good. Now, how about doing a trial appearance at the Tradewinds? While it doesn't pay much, you could also eat from the Mexican buffet there to supplement your salary.

Tom the Tapir: It's a deal. When do I start?

So, while Mr. Royce was pleased to find an unusual act for a difficult client, he suddenly had an intrusive thought:

"Oy veh! I have booked for a trial appearance a tux-wearing Tom the Tempermental Texas Tapir holding a taper and tap dancing to "Tea for Two" for tacos at the Tradewinds."

Ramos Gin Fizz

2011-12-06T10:22:00.001-06:00

This was the ambrosial gin fizz recipe invented by the head bartender Henry C. Ramos at New Orleans's Roosevelt Hotel in the 1920's.

Drink this while on a porch overlooking a swamp on a languid spring or summer afternoon toward sun down, before dinner -- if you're not in any hurry. You have friends over, and talk is slow and meandering. You're sitting around in shorts and halters, and no shoes, for God's sake. (Halters are optional for guys.) The moment calls for a slow drink, and I offer this one for you to try:

Here's what you'll need per serving:

1 and one-half oz. gin
5 drops orange flower water
2 egg whites or powdered egg whites (I suggest the latter to be on the safe side)
5 teaspoons confectioner's sugar
2 oz. half-and-half
3/4 teaspoon real lemon juice
2 drops vanilla extract
A half cup or so of cracked ice

Put it all together in a blender, and turn the blender on up to high and keep at it for about 2 or 3 minutes until it gets a sublime froth. (Less time may be needed; just get it frothy.) Serve this in a tall glass, old fashioned glass, or whatever. Everybody kick back and relax.

Who knows, maybe you all will like another one? If so, then just bag dinner and whip up some more. (Don't do this and drive, you hear; this drink can really really hit you.)

An historical note: This was Huey P. Long's favorite drink.

The Secret Vice of Generation Y

2011-12-01T16:31:00.002-06:00

I dawned upon me while watching Jon Stewart: this guy is really full of himself. Well, that's his misfortune, and none of my own. But also he panders to some of the worst traits of my generation (Y): the cultivation of a smug hipness that sometimes comes in the form of cynicism. But this is not an honest cynicism of the Diogenes flavor: it's simply a pose to appear cool.

Why am I listening to this unfortunate guy pretending to be a really cool but managing to be a poseur? He is, in his own way, as bad as Bill O'Reilly. Maybe we need to bring back those moments of reflection where we think something like Mea culpa. Well, people haven't said that at Mass since my grandparents' time, but it's still something of use. And a first step in cleaning up one's act.

I'll confess to doing some uncool things, but not douchy ones:

1. Listening to ABBA. Yeah, 1970's Euro pop elevator music. But it's catchy; it's got a good beat and is great to exercise or dance to. Strangely, John McCain is also a self-admitted ABBAophile.

2. Eating Reese's cups.

3. Pole dancing. Hey, I wear exercise clothes; it do it privately, and I'm not a stripper. Sorry to be a disappointment.

4. Reading bodice-ripper romance novels. Yeah, they have absolutely no literary value. But does Tom Clancy?

5. Petting bunnies.

6. Looking at baby clothes. No, I'm not expecting -- just dreaming of someday.

7. The horror! The horror! Watching DWTS sometimes.

8. Speaking of music: a further confession in the desire to have a clean Generation Y conscience, I sometimes listen to French yé-yé music that originated in the 1960's. This music is even regarded as noncool in France.

At least none of these would put me on the TSA do-not-let-fly list.

A gentle distinction: the anime girl above is not cool, but trying too hard to be.

+++++

Just a note: I'll be away for about a week; but will post a New Orleans drink recipe and a tapir story in the meantime. Have a great week!

My Guardian Angel Learns a Fashion Lesson

2011-11-29T17:43:00.002-06:00

Steve, my Guardian Angel, declared over his morning honey bun that he thought he'd shed his robe in favor of some more Chapel Hill-appropriate male garb. I was relieved, as he did seem a little conspicuous in his white robe and slippers, even though he shed his angelic wings a few weeks before. Anyway, I offered hopefully to take him shopping, being that shopping is an all-year activity thanks to malls.

He indicated that it really wasn't necessary, and that I needed to write that paper I've been procrastinating on. I thought, "Hmmm . . . . maybe there's a cute girl angel I'm going to hear about someday?"

Anyway, he came back wearing an amazing outfit: camou cargo pants, a Duke t-shirt, a red-and-white striped necktie, and running shoes! When I recovered my amazement, I asked in my usual subtle manner:

"Where did you get those clothes?"

"Oh, at a little store called the Salvation Army. I figured that they were on our side."

Clearly, in the Celestial Kingdom guy angels are just as fashion-challenged as their human Earthly counterparts. So I first tried to dissuade him with a threat: "Steve, if you wear that, I'm going to think impure thoughts about Brad Pitt."

But Steve was unmoved, in his stubborn angelic way.

So I decided to go the diplomatic route, to do some damage control.

"Er, Steve. About that Duke t-shirt. It might not be a good idea."

"Why not," he replied. "The colors match my eyes." Gawd! He is so guileless.

Not quite. So I fell back on the semiotics position.

"About Duke t-shirts. Did you know that Duke's sports teams are known as the Blue Devils?"

"Really? I didn't know that. You mean I could get in trouble for wearing it?"

"I'm afraid so. Your home office might have questions and call you in for retraining."

"Well, I'm not a fan of any team that calls itself the Sad Devils. It's like that school from the west that I heard calls itself the Demon Deacons. What's going on? Our Adversary must have a strong presence in this Tarheel State; but, Angel, never fear, I'm on the job with you."

So, with my guidance, he gave up the Duke shirt, and replaced it with a nice button-down shirt that went with the tie. But he still kept the cargo pants.

You have to accept partial victories gracefully.

Beginning next week, I will be away for a bit; however, I've scheduled the posting of a drink recipe and a tapir story.

Have a nice week!

A Possible Implication for Evolutionary Psychology

2011-11-27T16:13:00.000-06:00

In general, evolutionary psychologists have reckoned that the mechanisms that are involved in present-day mate selection by humans largely emerged during the Pleistocene era. These would include for males facial symmetry, muscular physique, physical dominance, athletic prowess, and other traits associated with the alpha males and high levels of testosterone. For females it would include having a youthful appearance, facial beauty, large breasts, and other traits associated with reproductive success.

In general, these are the traits most exaggerated in the dominance hierarchies in high schoolers. As a matter of fact, the Environment of Evolutionary Action (which some think of as the the Pleistocene era!) is still functioning in a typical high school in the USA.

However, these same traits were differentially selected when different selection processes were operational: those of the prehistoric humans, sometimes loosely referred to as cave persons. (Being able to live in a cave was probably a rare luxury at that time.) This did not include changes which have taken place since then: longer life spans, necessity for education, later ages for pairing off, and greater survivability of a given person. In short, for industrialized cultures, the likelihood of becoming an adult is fairly high. And those traits which still draw attraction serve less of an evolutionary function.

Would it be possible, with time, for certain additional traits to be evolutionarily selected? For example, would young girls start becoming attracted more to guys who were smart enough to learn calculus or be verbally clever or artistic?! And guys may show a parallel evolutionary convergence, in turn: Why be content with a dumb bunny with large breasts when you can have a literate or biochemistry-capable girlfriend with large breasts! (In fact, hers could even be store-bought; most guys may be happy with either type!)

Actually, I exaggerate. If the end result of such adaptations as cosmetics, improved diet, execise, and other means improve on the basal characteristics of people, these previously potent sources of human variation become less important. And, by default, being more intelligent provides and adaptation premium, albeit a small one. Nevertheless, over evolutionary time this can be significant.

I must confess to liking nerds and geeks. As such, I may be a force in human evolution, which is still going on!

The Personalities of Academic Disciplines

2011-11-25T13:18:00.000-06:00

I am persuaded, having occupied a perspective on academe from what might be characterized as the nosebleed seats, to tell what I know about academic departments on a typical modern university. But I really learned from that unlikely place common to many of our experiences: the environment of the teen girls and where one gets to sit in the cafeteria.

Let's face it, there are some departments that are more established and carry more gravitas than others. The English and History departments are like the girls from the Old Families: sure of their position and prone to guard it jealously. But Philosophy is, by far, the field regarded as the wisest. Don't mess with her. She has clout with the assistant principals (deans) and is the subject of much fawning. These hang our at Cool Girls' Table #1.

Art, music, and theatre are all arty and eccentric. Well, not always music. Piano or clarinet skill gives entree into the ranks of the polite, but trombones are to be frowned upon. Artists can be a source of anxiety: as long as they're nicely tossing pots or painting watercolors, there's no problem; but this is a field in which no nudes are good news, as least from the administration's perspective. They are allowed with the previously-mentioned cool girls on occasion but often taken with sufferance.

Geography and Psychology would like to sit with the cool girls in the Sciences, but are rarely allowed by the others lest the others feel tarnished by association and lose coolness. Geography and Psychology are nerd disciplines; though some sorority or cheerleader types go into psych.

Sociology? Cast Tori Spelling as her. She sits by herself, or maybe with the mullet crowd.

What can we say about some of the others? Think of the Engineering disciplines as leading towards the Sapphic side, or at least preferring their dress. No, that's not fair. These are the smart, homely girls without fashion sense. Nursing is in another world: maybe some Sailor Senshi will visit and report on them. The fact that they wear uniforms in clinical settings makes them immune to stereotypes.

The Sciences, of course, constitute a clique, together with Mathematics, and sit at the other popular kids' table. there Physics constitutes the bitch queen, setting the standards of dress and conduct much like a pledge trainer does with the group. Cast Shannon Dothery in that role if you cast some actress to personify an academic department. Chemistry is also established; maybe not as exalted but very secure. Biology is a little less so, but she has a studly older brother named Darwin that evokes teen fantasies of which the nuns would not approve. Geology and Astronomy are quiet, polite members of this clique: knowing that as long as they don't call attention to themselves they will be accepted. Mathematics is definitely in with this group, but doesn't always go along. Cast Sandra Bullock as Mathematics.

Public Relations and Communications are easy to type. Think Paris Hilton.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T05:16:00.000-06:00

What's Your Number, Part Two

2011-11-22T09:50:00.006-06:00

As an alternative to this question raised in a recent romantic comedy, one person suggested an alternative: how many persons have seen your boobs over some extended period of time.

Now I'm not going to reveal any personal information; only some views from a discussion that my friends and I had on this topic while enjoying that original New Orleans girlie drink, Ramos Gin Fizzes! One of them, yclept Jessica, was studying to be a lawyer. She apparently channeled Bill Clinton in making her contributions.  (I heard that he very lawyerly split hairs over the meaning of the word "is.")

Jessica argued, "What do you mean by 'seen your boobs'?  Specifically, how would you categorize the following:

1. Modest décollété?

2. Severe décollété?

3. Going braless and showing?

4. Wearing form-fitting clothes?

5.  Exposure by accident, like a swimsuit malfunction?

6. Culturally-permitted exposure?"

Now comes the question much-discussed among females of younger dating age: When is it okay to let him get to second base?*

I'll not bore you with the gory details, but I think that it is safe to acknowledge that women are not numerically-challenged, despite the general stereotype that goes around. It's not just the odd girl who wanders into the calculus class** unsuspectedly; we all inhabit a world in which we think quantifiably.

But I will end by saying that we ramped up to Sazeracs, and somehow managed to play basketball at 1 A.M. instead of flashing the webcam on Bourbon Street.

* The consensus among Catholic girls is: not before the fifth time you go out.
**Calculus classes are great places to meet smart guys.

If I Could Talk to Literary Characters

2011-11-20T16:12:00.000-06:00

This is what I would say to:

Captain Ahab (Moby Dick) -- "You know, taking up golf would be less extreme; and there's always the 19th Hole."

Holden Caufield (The Catcher in the Rye) -- "Man up and stop whining. Or chick up, whatever. If you can't make it as a catcher, try for an outfield position instead."

Madame Bovary -- "Don't take the arsenic. Be an artist's mistress instead."

Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Predjudice) -- "Mr. Darcy is as stuffy as Mr. Collins. Seduce and marry Mr. Bingley instead. Never mind Jane."

Any Ernest Hemingway male character -- "Develop your feminine side a little."

Catullus -- "Clodia is a tart; and her brother Clodius is trouble.

Jane Eyre -- "Better get a job in sales instead."

D'Artagnan (The Three Musketeers) -- "Choose your companions more carefully."

Hamlet -- "For Christ's sake, make up your mind and get off your duff!!!"

Macbeth -- "Most of the time, listen to your wife's advice. This is not one of them."

Mr. Joyboy (The Loved One) -- "You have unresolved Oedipal issues."

Daisy (The Great Gatsby) -- [song] "He's no good, he's no good. The man's no good."

Henry Fleming (The Red Badge of Courage) -- "You might consider joining the National Guard instead."

Lorna Doone -- "Try thin mints, for a change. They're a change of pace from shortbreads"

The Girls in Little Women -- "Loosen up; and stop being preacher's kids. You're teens!!!!"

Tess Mognahan (a detective recurrently used by Laura Lippman): "Tell your live-in boyfriend bye-bye; and take up with Jimmy McNulty instead. But keep hm away from the Jameson's."

Marlowe and Mr. Kurtz (The Heart of Darkness) -- "That's what you get for that weekend trip to Baton Rouge."

Renaissance Faire

2011-11-18T20:02:00.003-06:00

For some reason, once years ago I managed to be on the wait staff at a Renaissance Faire dinner. The occasion is based on those occasional Renaissance "Faires" (a common spelling used). These can be thought of as like cosplay for middle-aged people in which they deck themselves out in costumes that can range from the Authurian to the Renaissance. Strangely, there is a heavy attendance by lords and ladies, or Renaissance magnates or bishops. Very few peasants or commoners.

There was a strange anachronism going on: on the same landscape we can see knights and ladies, Florentine courtiers, pirates, assorted kings and queens, and even the Three Musketeers. Dumas would have been proud as to how Athos, Artemis, and Porthos got around, eating funnel cakes, watching belly dancers, and evil sorcerers.

The wait staff was instructed to introduce themselves as "serving wenches," as in, "Good day, Gentles, My name is Clarissa and I am your serving wench." When you're in a surreal setting, it's good to be surreal. Didn't Hunter S. Thompson say something like that?

Learning to Act Your Age: Practical Courses for Continuing Education

2011-11-15T20:06:00.002-06:00

Most average or larger colleges and universities have a Continuing Education department, offering short, practical courses to help professionals re-certify or to learn new skills. Additionally, they offer hobby-related and coping with life courses, such as Basic Yoga and How to Effectively Parent.

It's become increasingly apparent, however, that many people have trouble making the necessary transitions from one stage to another. These constitute a core market for this category of practical course.

Northern Ohio Community College is currently offering the following to met the apparent needs of their customer base:

1. Selecting a Proper Sugar Daddy

2. Releasing the Old Fart in You

3. Elementary Battle Axe Studies

4. Intermediate Battle Axe Studies

5. Creative Use of the Television Remote

6. Wheedling Your Parents to Let You Live in Their Basement

7. Nagging for Beginners

8. Elementary Stripping for Your Boyfriend

9. Choosing the Starter Husband

10. Bad Food and Sexual Deprivation: Deaccessing the Starter Husband

11. Choosing the Starter Wife

12. Money Laundering for Dummies

13. Embracing the Angst of Being Thirtysomething

14. Feeling Up the Angst of Being Thirtysomething

15. Dealing With the Disappointment of Not Having a Midlife Crisis

16. Coping With an Uninteresting Midlife Crisis

17. Basic Parental Nagging Skill Techniques

18. Successful Cougar Strategies

19. Selection of Bowling Costumes

20. Basic Procrastination

21. Advanced Procrastination

22. Increasing Self-Indulgence for Twentysomethings

23. Dealing with Generation X Persons: Not Just Your Older Siblings

24. Yogi for beginners: Zen and the Art of Baseball Catching

25. Advanced Journalism Snobbery

26. Elementary Composting

Actually, new courses are being developed all the time. But this list will help establish the flavor. Take advantage of the offerings at YOUR Community College!

Dee-Doh Thinks About Quitting the Team

2011-11-14T07:52:00.006-06:00

My friend Dee-Doh got a fiat from his girlfriend, Jessica: being on the track team is not enough; she wanted a boyfriend who was also on the football team for his boys' high school. So, being the good sort that he is, he went out for spring training, and made it through the team roster cuts to make it on the team. He became a second-string fullback, or some big muckety-muck position like that. Anyway, spring training was easy and he felt that he could go out for the team and please Jessica the Demanding Shrew.

You might say that Jessica had the upper hand in their relationship; and this is so totally expected, given that she comes from an old New Orleans family and apparently was taking dominatrix lessons at the community college in addition to being the bitch queen at my academy.

When football resumed with the practices in August, Dee-Doh got a rude surprise: two practices a day in the Louisiana heat! Oh! My! God! And Dee-Doh, bless his heart, had more nerd tendencies than jock tendencies. He didn't really like colliding against other guys during the game. It gave him a headache; and he didn't enjoy being with Jessica as much as before.

And Jessica would give him criticism -- why didn't he elude that blocker, why no touchdowns, etc. And the halftime locker room meetings were impossible, but he never said why.

And, darn it! I missed him. His time was eaten up by football, studying to keep up his grades, ministering to Jessica, and generally being tired. It stopped being glorious for him by mid-September, but there were two more months and then the playoffs.

We had a brief time together; but long enough for him to express his ambivalence; no, he indicated that he was fed up with it all.

I told him, "Quit the team; you're making yourself miserable." But I warned him that his doing so would probably result in a girlfriendectomy. I knew Jessica, you see. And his rah-rah teammates and classmates would give him grief for being a quitter.

Anyway, a little deus ex machina entered the picture. He was running with the ball, an infrequent experience, when he was bumped by another team's player and injured. I met him just after he was carried off the field. Anyway, I rode with an assistant coach who took him and his dad to the E.R. His ankle was twisted and became swollen, but it was ultimately diagnosed as simply a sprain. He was to be out for two, possible three weeks, and back for more fun and games, Catholic boy-style.

But where was Jessica? Nowhere to be seen. In effect, his little copine (moi) had to fill in the role of morale supporter instead of her.

Shall we say that, with a little solicitude and counseling on my part, the sprain took longer for Dee-Doh to recover from than the initial diagnosis warranted. Perhaps because I gave him acting lessons, he was able to convince his dad and his classmates that his sprain lasted longer than first expected and included complications. He got quite good at getting around on crutches. It took him longer to get over Jessica, unfortunately.

This is my 200th post in this blog. I hope you've enjoyed some.

Angel

Playing "Footsie" in Social Research

2011-11-11T10:17:00.000-06:00

There are guilty pleasures in psychology! Mine happens to be social psychology, which has oodles of fun research to amaze and amuse, as well as to provide reassurance that all is not bound up in physiological processes.

Daniel Wegner and his colleagues gave a previously-unacquainted man and a woman instructions covertly to play "footsie" under the table (keeping their feet in contact) while talking to two other strangers who were not covertly carrying on in the same manner. Other subjects played "footsie" overtly, with the knowledge of everyone around.

Afterwards, the participants were given a questionnaire.

According to the results, those covert "footsie" participants were more attracted to each other than were the ones touched each other's feet openly! Apparently, the secretiveness of it all heightened the implicit attraction associated with this semi-intimate action. Keeping this in mind, the old high school strategy of playing "footsie" with someone else's b.f. might be an effective strategy for "mate poaching," not that I ever did such a nefarious thing!

Reflecting back, many of the ordinary pleasures of adolescence involved getting away with something!

Wegener, D. M., Lane, J. D., and Dimitri, S. (1994). The nature of secret relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68, 782-792.

What Should Be the Data for News and History?

2011-11-09T08:08:00.000-06:00

This might be an idiotic question; but at what point does a factoid become worthy of being recorded in the news or the historical record? Obviously, the big ones, if verified, should be there. But what constitutes big?

Let me give what is hopefully an innocuous example. Suppose President Obama truly likes Brussel sprouts; is that worthy of news? Now I suppose that Brussel sprouts farmers may go, "Oh bother (or some other word). Will this affect my business?" And maybe Democratic mothers might pressure their offspring into eating said vegetables, saying that Barack Obama goes in for second helpings. But is this news? Really?*

But some examples are not so innocuous, such as in the area of private morality. I'm not sure how several years ago a President's doings with chubby lasses became so important. Oh yes, to be honest; I do.

1. It was lurid.

2. It was politically advantageous to make much ado about it.**

This even goes with what gets included in history. I was reading about a British art critic and social thinker and his marital woes. Apparently, he got married; and although he and his wife were married for seven years, they never consummated it. Poor lady must have been disappointed. Or relieved for a while, if we believe the myths that we have about the Victorian age.

Anyway, why did that not happen? Three versions:

1. He was a proper Victorian guy; and the only naked women he had seen were on Greek statues. Therefore, he was put off by her pubic hair. (OMG -- Would have the problem been solved if they had Brazilian waxes in those days?)

2. He was impotent.

3. His wife had an odor problem.

These versions were offered by different historians; attempting to fill in the gaps in what is known.
But really, these are wild surmises; transforming jumping to conclusions into an Olympic event. And whatever private anguish and sadness that participants in the story felt, there is damage done to their dignity.

News and history does not have to be reduced to the tabloid level.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Now Presidential food preferences may be a topic for some budding scholar's master's thesis. There are some strange ones out there.
**"We know no spectacle so ridiculous as the British public in one of its periodic fits of morality." -- Lord Macaulay.

Gordon Ross, aka Ubergato

2011-11-08T13:02:00.000-06:00

Gordon Ross, also known as Martin Wade, as the founder and moderator of Odd People, first a MSN group, and later on Yuku. He was kind, strong, friendly, and encouraging to me and others. He was a great person and a father figure in the best sense. Today he would have been 65.

Gordon was a native of Baton Rouge. He had served in the Army during the Viet Nam war. Married but divorced. He ran a housecleaning service in Jackson, MS.

I knew him strictly online; yet we regarded each others as good friends despite our age differences and other things. He was a man of infinite kindness and patience. He transcended his ill health in his later years by always seeing the brighter side of things. If there is a Heaven, surely he rates a celestial crown and a harp! (Although I suspect he would rather a trombone.)

I miss you, good friend. You were one of the best!

The Euphemism Goddess Meets With Pale Hecate

2011-11-06T07:39:00.000-06:00

Euphemia, our Euphemism Goddess, already besieged by the creeping use of dysphemisms in everyday discourse, sensed that she was fighting at best a holding action against the rising tide of vulgarity in speech and manners. First, there's the rise of use of the impudent gesture, even by Catholic maidens; then there's the seeming routineness of profanity even in the learned professions. When is this to end? The sheer number of neologisms or newly-emergent words that denote bodily functions or expressions of opproprium just stagger the imagination! Also, there's that tired old bit of linguistic justification for their use: many of the old-style profane words (George Carlin's unsacred seven) were legitimate words when used by the Anglo-Saxons and therefore should not be considered profane. Now, in my opinion, that is beside the point; languages change with the time. All you have to do to experience that is to read the Prologue of Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales. (Or the Miller's Tale, if you're into vulgarity.)

Anyway Euphemia, the Goddess of Euphemism, approached Hecate, the Goddess of Darkness, Witchcraft, and Evil, to discuss this. She requested a sit-down, and the possibility of some accomodation. Actually, Hecate acknowledged the problem: the coin of profanity was of late as devaluated at the Euro or the Ruble. This concerned her greatly as it diminished her realm too.

The two Goddesses came to recognize that part of the problem was that ol' Debbil The Media, who enjoyed tweaking sensibilities of Republicans and manifesting their urbanite coolness with their insouisance regarding the decorum of language! Some of that was in turn due to the relative lessoning of alcohol usage by reporters. But another culprit was the lessened supervision of children during their formative years by adults. And it all started with Clark Gable when he first used the "D" word in some movie.

One matter of concern was the sheer number of possible offensive terms that recently emerged. There are so many now that it staggers the ability to keep up with them, and sometimes even cunning linguists in urban settings do not understand them. For example, Hecate took Euphemia to task because of the term she introduced, little girls' room. This term, while it was less offensive than those male-generated terms such as loo and head and crapper, became quickly a term used with ironic overtones. And another point, euphemisms regarding breasts may become dysphemisms over time. Sic transit gloria boob!

They both were in agreement that some terms regarding women's anatomy should be forever regarded as beyond the pale. We won't go into specifics here, though.

And certain acts of lésé majesté should not ever, ever occur: no one should use those terms to refer to the President, Taylor Swift, or the Governors of Twenty-seven of the fifty states. It is permitted, however, to be an verbally abusive as you wish when it comes to Congress, some of the governmental bureaucrats, or Nancy Grace.

An issue that was unresolved, pending further discussion, was the matter of abbreviations such as W.T.F. and B.S. Euphemia took the position that their use was allowing profanity in through the back door, while Hecate suggested that there could be noncoarse alternatives that could call for those abbreviations, such as World Track Federation and Bachelor of Science. And I'm in full agreement with this on the latter: labeling B.S. as profane further gives ammunition to the Liberal Arts contingent in colleges and universities. Finally, both decided that the abbreviations were okay; after all, the best they could come up with for STFU was Same Time for Gilligan.

In the world of Goddesses, watching Gilligan's Island is mighty important. After all, how else can they learn about mortals?

Euphemia (L) and Hecate (R)

LSU

2011-11-05T13:08:00.000-05:00

Geaux Tigers!

Stem the Tide!

What's Your Number?

2011-11-04T05:44:00.000-05:00

According to the premise of the recent Anna Faris movie by that title, once a woman has had in excess of 20 sexual partners, her chances of ultimately getting married drop precipitously and she falls socially into the dreaded categry of "slut." This rom-com, or sexy comedy has its faults, but it also raises some occasions for thought.

First of all, what is the mean number of sex partners a woman is likely to have over an extended period? Typically, fewer than the number a man is likely to have. One source put it at four; while the typical number for men is seven. However, in the case of both sexes the mean number of sex partners is likely to be in the form of a skewed right distribution; like below, with the number of sex partners on the horizontal (X) axis and the frequency of cases on the vertical (Y) axis:

In other words, a small number of people of either gender account for having unusually large numbers of sexual partners.

If we stipulate that women who have more than 20 sexual partners over an extended career are less likely to marry, why is that the case? I offer several reasons:

1. She's looking for love in all the wrong places. Specifically, finding guys who are interested in a only in a short-term liasion (cads).

2. She might be using the wrong criteria in finding mates: ignoring some who are sleepers who might be more stable and good quality husband in preference to those merely with one kind of skill.

3. Her judgment might be impaired due to alcohol, drugs, or stupidity. Or some combination of these.

4. She may have certain traits (physical, behavioral, or character) that preclude her being in any permanent relationship. In other words, by "being easy" she does get to go out.

5. Finally, she may be a short-term player also.

But there is a fundamental flaw in the assumption: namely, that you can precisely define 'slut.' Well, it does use an operational criterion, so it does meet one scientific criterion. Just as a curiosity, you can Ride the SLUT in Seattle without shame or blame. SLUT is a local acronym from South Lake Union Transit.

The Pill

2011-11-02T08:13:00.002-05:00

Recently, some interesting findings were reported in Proceedings of the Royal Society B. Psychologist Craig Roberts and his Czech and Scottish fellow researchers found that, based on a sample of 2,500 women, those who were on birth control pills when they met a man were more likely to stay in that relationship than those no using contraception or using others forms of contraception. They were, however, less likely to find the men they were partnered with to be sexually satisfying.

An obvious effect of The Pill is that it evens out menstrual cycle-related hormonal variations; and these can affect how women judge men as potential mates. For example, studies have shown that women prefer more masculine men during ovulation than at other times of the month -- because the more strikingly obvious a man's physical traits are, the more successful he is likely to be as a breeder. At other times of the month, women are less drawn towards muscular hunks as average-looking guys with steady jobs, better financial prospects, and pleasant dispositions.

Further evidence indicates that women might engage in more sexually-inviting behaviors around the time of ovulation, even though neither she nor potential males are aware of her condition. For example, Geoffrey Miller and his associates found that lap dancers received sigificantly larger tips around the time of their ovulation. These greater-sized tips may have been prompted by more overt affectionate behaviors.

Roberts also found that oral contraceptives can also alter women’s preferences for men’s body odor. When a woman is on the Pill, she is more likely to prefer the odor of men who are more genetically similar to them; but if she is off the pill, she's more attracted to the odor of men who are genetically less similar to her during ovulation. This preference towards genetic different guys may be because any resulting babies are more likely to be healthy.

What a choice: more marital stability and so-so sex; or less stability but really hot sex while it happens. Actually, sex is only one of the reasons for partnering: there's companionship, common interests, love, economic factors, mutual desire for children, and other things.

So what is there to learn from this?

I see several things.

1. We should never discount basic biology in explaining human motives; even though we might not always be pleased by its implications.

2. A woman on the Pill may, paradoxically, be a factor leading to more family stability and harmony. Very clearly, if a woman chooses more wisely a mate, this is a good thing. Now this is a Family Values matter, one that should be attractive to both Democrats and Republicans!

3. Also, strictly from the woman's position, this means that she may be less likely to select a jerk.

4. Many of the differences might be explained by other factors. Let's face it, the more overtly masculine fellows usually have more opportunity for sex. Therefore, they are at a later stage in the sexual learning curve. However, with patience, love, and effective communication of mutual desires and needs, this sexual pleasure gap might be closed. Therefore, the initially dismaying interpretation might be less unpleasant than was first seen.

5. As ishy as it might sound, there seems to be an olfactory dimension in sexual attraction. Actually, Napoleon may have noted this 200 years ago; he wrote to Josephine, "Don't wash, I'm coming home!"

6. Lastly, we need to accept the limitations to our rationality in decision-making.

The United States of Scary Things

2011-10-31T13:23:00.002-05:00

Men in Hats

2011-10-29T06:22:00.003-05:00

Please allow me to discourse on a subject I'm only vaguely qualified on: men's hats.

In my opinion, the guiding principles in the wearing of any head coverage should be:

1. Is it called for because of climatological circumstances;
2. Is it part of a uniform ensemble;
3. Do circumstances call for some kind of head covering;
4. Does the wearer avoid looking ridiculous in the process.

Now obviously a woman wearing a hat while attending church was called for in some former time; and may still be in some places. And apparently the British royals do have to wear hats but they manage to wear the most ridiculous ones in the process: producing a kind of reverse panache.

But guys, it's another story.

So let me give you my eViL pOp TaRt principles for safe and sane hat wearing.

1. No one looks good in a sombrero. Even the Urban Sombrero, to resurrect that old concept from the Jerry Seinfeld Show.

2. Likewise berets, unless you are a chain-smoking long-dead French philosopher of despair and bad croissants.

3. Baseball caps are fine when worn outdoors, in casual settings, and with the bill forward.  Warning: some people will think you're a douchebag if you wear a New York Yankee or Boston Red Sox hat.

4. If you must wear your baseball cap backwards, then I recommend that you wear the conplete ensemble with it: the chest protector and the face mask.

5. A baretta shoud be worn only by old-fashioned Catholic priests and high church-aspirant Angelican clergy.

6. A boat is alright if you're a member of a string quartet and you're carrying a cane.

7. Don't even think of a pith helmet. Pith on you if you do.

8. Hombergs and fedoras are acceptable with business dress.

9. Stetsons, unless worn in some mountain western states or Texas, indicate histrionic tendencies. Perhaps the wearer is also hoping for a pickup game of cowboys and Native Americans.

10. Flat or scalley hats, strangely enough, do look fine on well-groomed men. They're not just for Andy Capp.

11.  Fur hats with flaps that can be let down are good for cold weather. Warning: if you wear one of the latter, you might be harassed by PETA members or Tea Party members who think you are a commisar!

12.  Wool caps are nice for skating or standing watch on a ship or ice fishing.

13. Don't ever wear a knit hat with those straps that just hang down as it makes you look stupid.

14. Pickelhaubes are cool; but not when engaged in the sport of leapfrog.

15. Shakos should be worn only if you are part of a marching band.

16. Messages on hats, no matter how witty, are a bad idea. They make bumper stickers for this kind of purpose.

17. DON'T wear a hat indoors. Didn't your mother ever tell you that?

Polygamy as an Economic Option

2011-10-27T07:12:00.002-05:00

Because one of the candidates for the Republican nomination for President happens to be a Mormon,this has raised anew the question of polygamy: a marriage in which there is more than two partners. Properly, the most common form is polygyny, where a man is married to two or more women (who, by the way, are not married to each other!). Less commonly found is polyandry, where a woman is married to two or more men, and group marriage, where several mem and women are married collectively to each other.

Polyandry is occasionally found in Tibet, where two brothers might be married to the same woman who shares her affections with both.

Looking at the worldwide incidence of the forms of polygamy, while a majority of cultures permit some form of polygyny, in practice this is not a common relationship because of the approximate equality of the number of females to males of marriageable age. (Even at that, some of the present-day polygamists in this country have the dreadful practice of "marrying" underage girls. Also, very obviously, a possible polygamist must have the resources to provide for an enlarged household. As a further issue, apparently, some of the American polygamists maintain separate but nearby households for their wives!

Not surprisingly, having multiple wives is associated with power, wealth, and special status. The emperors of Imperial China and the sultans of the Ottoman Empire had very large harems at their service; often staffed by eunuchs, men who received the most unkindest cut and who are then called on to oversee and guard the harem.

Actually, in Islamic countries, a man may have up to four wives at a time; and not have to have permission of his already-present wives to add another to his roster. Women, on the other hand, can have only one husband; but if divorced she can then get a replacement.

Anyway, I've nattered enough about polygamy. Now, I'll get to the point:

Why not adopt legal polygamy as a means of coping with the economy slump?

After all, some of us Americans do practice polygamy, in a sense: it occurs in the form of serial monogamy. Yes, there are some people who actually use the term 'starter marriage.' Obviously, this practice is most notoriously visible in Hollywood. (Again, power, wealth, and special status.) The poor middle-aged secretary whose marriage when on the shoals is most usually in a permanent status as a not-so-gay divorcée. Others, instead of marrying, cohabit. Looking at this from a different angle, isn't there a small amount of hypocrisy going on?

The adoption of polygamy as a lifestyle option should be strictly voluntary on all participants' parts (if both are of legal age), with both polyandry and polygyny allowable. As part of any polygamous arrangement, it should include some form of economic stability for the future: severance pay, retirement benefits, housing, and so forth to allow the divorced partner to maintain her or his lifestyle that she or he became accustomed to.

Would this disrupt the likelihood of many males being deprived of wives or girlfriends? Not likely, because of the costs involved to support a polygamous union and especially if polyandry is also an option. There should be a few affluent women who might crave variety in sexual partners. My guess is that only a small number of men or women might opt to be one of multiple spouses, but it might provide openings for a for a few. And consider the economic multiplier factors: this would spur building or occupying large mansions in order to make available space for harem-sized groups, stimulate clothing manufacturing to provide suitable clothing for wearing in harems (after all, us women learn at an early age to be properly dressed for an activity), exotic foods, support personnel such as beauticians, servants, gardeners, as well as the harem possessor's henchmen or henchwomen to guard these possible harems. This would result in many people being employed; sometimes well-paid, at that. And the harem girls or boys would be, effectively, taken out of the labor force. This would, therefore, provide a means for slackers to live well without doing any work! This is a good deal: these people are out of the labor force and yet are not on the public dole!

No, I do not see allowing eunuchs as a possibility. We have too many of those in university administration and public administration already.

In effect, this is als normalizing or legitimatizing what for some is referred to as "hooking up." And it would give a number of people economic security.

And maybe a latter-day Jane Austen might write, "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a harem."

[Disclaimer: I would not choose this option.]

Meaningless Games and Conference Names?

2011-10-25T04:02:00.003-05:00

An unfortunate concept that I've occasionally encountered while reading the sports pages is that of a meaningless game.

Now I know what the sportswriter intends: this is a game between two teams that will have no effect on a team making the playoffs, pennant, or championship; either because they've already clinched their birth, or because even if they win they will go no further than the regular season. In a lot of ways, this is unfortunate.

It places undue importance to the playoff games at the expense of the ordinary games. And it implicitly sends the signal that players don't have to put 100% in their efforts.

But, importantly, it denigrates the occasion of when two less-than-sterling teams are competing.

As a matter of fact, maybe the cheerleaders and fans should regard these as of minor consequence: not yell so loud, or even show up. And, if a player is on a 9-18 basketball team, and the team has no chance of being in the NCAA Tournament, then he could bag that last game or two and drink beer instead.

A lot of life depends on attitude. And this is not the type of attitude to foster.
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A cursory reading of the sports page suggests that the expansion of conferences is being discussed. Already Texas A & M is going to the Southeastern Conference, and Missouri soon to follow. Isn't that stretching southeastern a little? And they must have discovered coastline in Oklahoma and they are contemplating movement to the PAC-12 conference. But by far is that Eastern Establishment school, Boise State, joining the Big East.

How about the Big Ten? Last I noticed there were 12 teams.
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Puritan Autumn

2011-10-23T08:41:00.000-05:00

The Puritan streak has been with us for a long time; after all, several of the states were founded by religious cranks and nutters. We've had our contretemps from time to time regarding blue laws, sumptuary laws, blasphemy and profanity laws, smoking restrictions, prohibition, restriction of beverage sales, regulation of sexual activity or expression, and so forth. For God's sake, even dancing! It's as if we divide into two or more camps: those who wish to restrict a particular pleasure or other choice behavior, and those who wish to carry on. Now this is not a simple liberal-conservative difference; both quasi-philosophies are not loath to deploy the full majesty of the law to restrict, forbid, or otherwise discourage whatever no-no they have in mind. This Puritanism has been steadily receding in recent times, most notably with the repeal of Prohibition. Still, there are traces:

We have the recurrent example associated with this time of year: certain churches and communities finding fault with Halloween; instead opting for Fall Festivals or Harvest Festivals (although urbanites might have to search high and low for something to actually harvest). Yes, Halloween has been demonized into a pagan festival that good Christians should eschew. At least the antagonistic churches have had to come up with alternatives to the Halloween parties and trick-or-treating, so the children in those places at least have something to celebrate.

Also, we have the movement in certain cities (Chicago already, L.A. soon) to ban fois gras. After the ban on fois gras took place in Chicago, there were some bootleg fois gras places that cropped up. It's as if because eating duck or goose liver became illegal, suddenly people want to eat it! Right now there is a restaurant in Los Angeles that is offering a medley of paté dishes as $175 per head!

I only need to mention in passing that a few communities restrict swimwear for women, particularly thongs or going topfree. One community in Utah even forbade bikinis in public pools!

And, famously, there's weed. Except in California, if it's still allowed there. It's probably a myth circulated in movies like Footloose; but some communities might actually outlaw dancing. Certainly, some churches do.

Our latent Puritanism, having lost on so many fronts, is also still alive and well in discouraging certain types of humor, such as the time-honored ethnic or religious jokes, not to mention jokes about men and women. Part of the problem is the humorfree moralists we have around. Does being a feminist mean that you have to check your sense of humor at the door? Now sometimes this kind of humor might be hurtful, but enough, enough! Jokes do have a point to it, if Freud is right.

Now, I'm not in the vanguard to eat liver from any creature, nor wear a thong; but Halloween is so notoriously a childhood delight that it's a crime to eliminate it. And as for bikinis, it depends on how successful I am in getting back into shape after a winter!

However, I'll breach three of the possible taboos enough to tell an old religious and sexy joke:

Do you know why Baptists don't like to make love while standing? Because they feel that it leads to dancing.

Princess Lum

2011-10-20T19:01:00.000-05:00

In Japanese folklore, oni are giant, ugly, humanoid monsters or demons with large horns who wear animal skins. While in the original myths they brought misfortune, over time they came to assume a more benign, protecting function. Japanese parades often begin with an oni to bring good fortune; and these are recurrent decorations on buildings much like the gargoyles in Western architecture. When the Japenese play tag, the one who serves as "it" is called an "oni."

Anime artist Rumiko Takahashi adapted the traditional oni into her character Princess Lum, recasting her as a space alien with special powers such as flight. In this case, she assumes the form of a tiny-horned teen dressed in a tigerskin bikini who is sent to Earth to compete at tag over ten days with a randomly chosen Earthling, Ataru Morobishi. The stakes of the game: if Ataru does not capture Lum, the Oni aliens achieve total domination of the Earth. So the stakes are large!

Ataru is unsuccessful for nine of the ten days; but he succeeds in stealing Lum's bikini top, giving Lum the choice: she can use her arms for modesty's sake, or use them to be able to fly. She opts for modesty, being a nice oni; so Ataru grabs her horns, and saves the Earth in the process.

However, in the process Lum got the impression that Ataru proposed marriage, and she accepted. Therefore the Morobishis got a new daughter: Ataru's live-in space alien girlfriend! Strangely enough, the parents are happy with this, finding Lum a daughter they they both secretly preferred anyway, and enjoyed photographing her and dressing her in beautiful kimonos! With the recurrent theme of Ataru's roving eye for other girls, Lum's alarming culinary skills, her unding love for Ataru, and her strange friends, the series settles into a kind of domestic comedy.

There's a curious additional take-off on the Oni/Lum story: the Japanese sometimes refer to a child that does not resemble either parent as 'the child of an oni." The Morobishis apparently had one, literally!

Lum, beloved of the lecherous Ataru, is one of the most appealing of Japanese anime characters. I just posted this for fun.

Girls Sorta Gone Wild

2011-10-18T08:57:00.000-05:00

Okay, one of my exploits that led to my becoming the Detention Queen while in high school was the time three of us decided to see a real horse race.

Now, they have a full race card of thoroughbred races at the Fair Grounds in season that starts in the early afternoon. Unfortunately, high schools have this thing about having classes in the afternoon. . . . . But, a friend (not to be named, as she has aspirations to the state legislature -- she wants to make her money the easy way!) talked up the idea and we decided to make a day of it.

Starting with lunch. Now, we all had sympathy for both dogs and cats, and passed up the usual school cafeteria lunch and instead repaired to Mandina's where we had oyster po-boys and gumbo. There was a group of elderly ladies there, and they gave us tips on the race, this being New Orleans and all.

It was fun at the races! We got in without a comment, despite the fact that we were wearing school uniforms. We were able to bet on the nags, and hang out in the clubhouse (though we had only grandstand passes). The little guy that blows the horn that calls the mounts to the starting gate was cute and amusing. Big spenders us, we bet the minimum bet on each race and went for the double and the trifecta.

I won the daily double! There followed on our part the typical excessive display of delight, usually intended to call the attention of 17-year-olds of the male persuasion. And, while they were present in numbers, this was not a sound tactic.

Alas, but one of the local teevee stations had their camera at the track, and they were panning the crowd. We were caught red-handed, and in our Catholic school girl uniforms. (Locally, the pattern of skirts worn by Catholic school girls are distinctive, depending on the school.) What to do? Brazen it out. As a matter of fact, we pursed and smacked our lips and made high-five gestures (like the wanton little trollops were to do years later in those sordid little GGW videos that they now offer for sale). Maybe they wouldn't run the tape: a good thought, since New Orleans always has its usual quota of good sex and violence to entertain the masses watching the teevee news. (They also watch the hairdos and the cleavage on the News Team, but that's New Orleans for you.)

It was a slow news day. And they ran the tape, commenting that "here were some happy winners . . . . apparently, school was out at __________ Academy today." Then, all we could hope was for an early bedtime for the nuns.

The next morning, the first announcement on the speaker was: Angel ________, Jessica __________, and Heather _________, come to the office IMMEDIATELY!

Busted!

My punishment on the parental level was slight. Dad was impressed that I won the Daily Double!

Anthropological Notes on a Sport

2011-10-15T08:43:00.040-05:00

In my anthropological studies while I lived in The Great Elsewhere (America Other than New Orleans), I found a curious ceremony in progress. It occurred on a field that was lit with overhead lights and had banked seats on either side that were soon filled with people. Clearly some kind of tribal ritual was being enacted. Two large groups of youth from different tribes, the members of each group being fitted out in oversized padding and brightly coloured uniforms, ran out on this field to the shouts of the crowd on their sides. One tribe wore green shirts and brown trousers, while the other wore dark blue uniforms with white numbers. Each group was led in this running entrance by groups of young females wearing abbreviated costumes of similar colours. I took these to be the Vestal Virgins of the tribe, but require more information regarding their prior virgin status and disposition. These same female individuals then proceeded to do yell, do flips (to display their shiny underwear to advantage), and made encouraging noises for the crowd to yell fervently as well. The crowd, apparently in a skeptical vein, did little to accommodate them. Possibly it had something to do with past failures of their youth and apprehension regarding the future. [If the tribe has too many losses, do these Vestals get buried alive?]

The affair in question begun with the toss of a coin. I think that this is a metaphor regarding the chances of life and how we must "seize the day" in response to pure uncertainty. One side, happy with this outcome, cheered lustily. I suppose they were anticipating bountiful crops or many grandchildren to augment their tribes. The other tribe murmured slightly, as if to ward off possible bad luck by this loss. Their response to this ill omen was a stoicism worthy of Marcus Aurelius.

The main ritual seemed to proceed in a series of steps. One participant would hand or "center" a oblong leather ball through his legs to the quarter-back, possibly in mimicry of the birthing process, while the other team would attempt to disrupt the process. The same "center" participant wore a towel dangling from his waist on the front, an obvious parallel to something else [!] -- could it be menstration? Following this "birthing," the various players seemed to run in a random fashion until the person carrying the ball was apprehended. Sometimes the ball was thrown: I think it has to do with the quarter-back losing his nerve and denying responsibility any further. At any rate, very few times were these balls caught by another player. Maybe the shape of these "balls" was a problem. In this game one team would on occasion kick the ball to the other team, who would then have an opportunity to mimic the birthing process while their opposites would try to disrupt it.

Scoring was based on moving the ball to one end of the field or kicking it through goal posts. This type of scoring by kicking is highly desired, with the cheerleaders prostrating themselves in supplication while the attempt is made.

I have a tentative interpretation of the older men wearing the striped shirts: they represent the Three Fates plus Hercules. Two of them normally stand on the side with a long chain connecting two poles, but periodically come out to determine the fate of the mortal by measuring how far the ball has traveled. One of these striped worthies made gestures of supplication to the gods, who apparently live in the Mount Olympus of the Press Box. They blow whistles for some reason; possibly to dispel evil spirits.

Members of the observing crowd wore ribbons with the "school colors," the blue-and-white or green-and-white motif. Some favored young females wore corsages, possibly indicative of betrothed status.

The behaviour of the crowd provided singular contrasts. About eighty gaily-garbed teens played martial songs on musical instruments, while girls in brief sequined costumes twirled batons. Another small group, both boys and girls, tried to stimulate interest in the happenings by doing tricks, yelling, and in general jumping around manically. Additionally, there was one youth (I surmise) who wore an animal totem costume of the tribe: this one of a Tiger. (The totem of the other tribe was symbolized by someone wearing a bear suit.) There were large masses of younger youth not in costumes who seemed to walk randomly around, with little apparent interest in the game. Instead, they were actively courting similarly-aged young people of the opposite sex in non-subtle ways. Older women sat together and talked about matters unrelated to the game. Young children seemed to be bent on an orgy of eating of caloric, forbidden foods as wieners, pink spun candy, and pork rinds. Only a small body of elderly men watched the game with diligence. I conclude that they constituted an elderly priesthood and were involved in seeing to it that the proper rituals were formed.

Judging from the crowd's attitude and behavior, I tentatively conclude that this particular ritual is becoming less central to the lives of the people, other than the youthful participants and the elderly priesthood.

On the other hand, some vestiges of tribal importance still lingered. During a break called "Halftime" sentimental music was played and a formally-dressed young lady was crowned with a tiara by an older man. The musicians formed patterns on the field and played music. The young woman was elected to her position, and was supposed to represent the aspirations of her tribe regarding beauty, intelligence, and virtue. I cannot surmise the symbolism of the older man. The musicians were also on the field, playing music. They were accompanied by a group of larger females who carried and positioned flags in unison.

In the scheme of things, "football" is complex: part substitute for tribal warfare, part fertility rite, part music festival, part reunion of far-flung tribal members. What is most peculiar about it is the irony regarding its name. Unlike football as played in Europe in which the feet are used exclusively, the ball is kicked in this game only rarely: and only from a stationary position.

At the end of the game the winning team got to keep the ball. It is premature for me to speculate on what they would do with it afterwards.

I came away from the spectacle strangely exhilarated. It may be one of those things which is better savored with a sense of wonder, not extensive knowledge.

Pursuing the Great North American Geek

2011-10-13T14:03:00.000-05:00

As a not-yet-desperate unmarried woman, I can still afford to be somewhat selective in my pursual of a suitable mate, and not just simply go with the leavings of my more successful sisters in this quest. I have found that certain unnamed categories of males (I will discreetly remain unspecific here, pardon me!) have certain drawbacks while the sleeper in the possible choices happens to be the Great North American Geek.

Yes. Geeks do make good lovers. But you have to enter their specialized habitats and catch their attention. With regard to habitat, you should be more specific than simply a trip to Best Buy on the weekend where the Geek Wannabees congregate and drool over the computer toys. No, a trade show or a school of engineering is a more productive setting. Ladies, you're not likely to catch a geek at a highbrow film festival! For the sci-fi or anime geeks, going to a convention or cosplay event is going in the right place. Hint: dress in costume if you want to draw a cute otaku; especially some alluring anime girl costume. (Guess who I prefer to go as . . . .)

And be able to talk the talk and walk the walk. (No, I don't hang out with sportswriters any longer!) Geeks do like kindred spirits of the opposite sex who share their interests and can discuss those topics intelligently but regards him as having superior expertise in those matters. In other words, don't be the helpless or dumb female; but one who seems to grasp most of what he is saying. Yes, pretend that you don't quite know as much as him. Despite their deferential manners, geeks have egos that need stroking also. Cookery is always foolproof in attracting and keeping a guy. Fortunately, their standards are usually very low, as they are used to eating a lot of junk food. Therefore, homemade cookies or muffins or (wow!) a home-cooked meal can usually lock them in. Consider ramen noodles as a nostalgia item for some of them.

Geeks like movie dates, especially sci-fi or anime movies. They are not so much into blood and guts, so your appetite is not likely to be lost by the entertainment. Movies have the additional advantage for them in that they don't have to talk to their dates a lot. However, they can be persuaded to branch out. For example, paintball is usually appealing to them. The water slide at the amusement park is also entertaining for them, both because its see-worthy opportunities and because they can calculate the physics of the process.

Here's something to expect when you date a Great North American Geek: He will bring you to where his friends are, and they will look at you with some awe. Some might even venture to touch you to verify that you are real, quite respectfully, of course! Obviously, you come away feeling strange, like you are a goddess for the day! Treat this with good humor, and prepare for it by wearing some really charming perfume. Some might actually try to smell your hair!

Geeks can be induced to accompany you in shopping provided you also schedule sufficient time in the computer, camera, or electronics stores. And, of course, they are very willing to help you shop for swimwear, particularly if you model the possibilities for them. May you have a successful hunt for these elusive creatures!

Just a Few Unrelated Observations

2011-10-11T08:40:00.005-05:00

I started off with the intent of writing humor; kind of like putting notes in a bottle and sending them adrift. Not that I'm especially funny, but trying to be. I believe it's a good idea to write about things one knows something about, so I write about being a girl, growing up in New Orleans, sex, psychology, and whatever creeps into my awareness at the time. Even sports. There's no particular chronological order I'm subscribing to. I love New Orleans; it was an interesting place to grow up in; and blessed with a panoply of interesting characters. My recurrent characters, the Prophetess, the Lucky Dog Guy, Crazy Chester, the Ninja Fairies, the assorted street corner preachers, cops, and others are based on New Orleans types. Although we're a bit insular; we learn at an early age that we have to take an active part in making our lives interesting, and that if we do, life can be fun.

Yes, a former Governor of Louisiana had a stripper girlfriend.

I mean no harm to anyone. Even when I go off field with my opinions.

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I must confess to preferring the Times-Picyaune to the New York Times or the Boston Herald or the Washington Post even though I'm now in The Big Elsewhere.

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Why did so many people get so shook up about a former prosecuter and television news harridan accidentally exposing a breast while dancing?

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What do the Occupy Wall Street People have as a plan? Have they worked anything out? Or is it a "Look at Me" moment?

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I'm glad Amanda Knox got off. The legal case against her didn't seem to make sense.

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"Moneyball" is a great movie. "What's Your Number," not so much. I'll go see "The Ides of March" sometime.

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There's a cute little girl song in "Moneyball."

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A shameless GEAUX TIGERS! after the win Saturday over Florida.
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Why do sandwiches seem always to have the default mayonnaise spread. I hate that white crap!

On Breaking Up American States

2011-10-09T06:37:00.002-05:00

I'd like to address this recurrent theme in U.S. history, one that is still going on: the desire by some residents of a state to disconnect with other parts, for political, economic, social, or other purposes -- maybe even because of irreconciliable differences. After all, that's where Vermont and West Virginia came from (and consider what great ideas they were). Now this is famously being played out in California, where the lower section would like to become dissociated from the upper one. However, have there been many states where this kind of sentiment doesn't reside in some corners?

Louisiana, my home state, has had that kind of division for a long time. New Orleans and southwestern Louisiana have different values, lifestyles, politics, religions, and just about everything else from northwen Louisiana. You cross a real divide when you go north of I-10 or at least Alexandria. You then enter the Bad Cuisine Territory and uptight domain of the United States, among other things. Now, both people in Shreveport and Lafayette or New Orleans should consider a no-fault divorce and both be better off. And both rump states can have joint custody of Baton Rouge and LSU.

Okay, you might wonder: couldn't this be parlayed into gaining more representation in the Senate than the uniform two alloted to all states, big and small? I see this as a surmountable problem, though: American history is a story of compromise, much like loveless marriages (which is a good metaphor for the way things are now!). My solution: if two sections of a state decide to part company, each gets ownership of one Senator. In that way, the other currently 49 states are minimally impacted by this split wherever it might take place.

Hey, guys . . . . you know what? This is a solution having its roots in the Napoleonic Code, the law of Louisiana which is a community property state.

Maybe we should consider the present-day states as like starter marriages; convenient bedding arrangement until the fires of passion are banked . . . .

"Hey, northern Louisiana: you snore and you flirt too much with that Arkansas tart! You sleep on the sofa tonight"

(.....Hmmm . . . . I wonder if the Mississippi Gulf Coast can lose his dowdy spouse?)

Spokesperson for Generation Y

2011-10-06T16:10:00.000-05:00

I was simply minding my business at the mall, and longing for a cup of latte, when I was verily set upon by a horde of reporters who demanded "what does Generation Y think of, blah, blah." Gee, I didn't know we had a name. And who appointed me spokesperson? Maybe they sent word by e-mail and I misjudged it to be spam. Anyway, what a grave responsibility! Having no space to run away as might be prudent, I tried to answer as best as I could in self-defense.

Here's my dialogue with my media public. All eight of them. Scary folks, they were, even without Helen Thomas.

As a member of Generation Y, what do you think of the economy? Uh, what does Y stand for?

What are you doing?    I'm staying out of the rain.

Are all of you so ironic?   No, we prefer wash and wear.

What do you think of Governor Perry running for President? Uh, we're in North Carolina. We don't get to vote in California.

Oh, a social nihilist? No, actually, I'm an ex-cheerleader.

Is there significance to your costume? No, today's wash day, and this was all that I had left to wear.

Do you see a dreary future? Oh, of course.

Are you referring to impending wars, or economic drepressions, or plagues? No, I don't have a date yet for Friday night.

What is currently on your mind? I need new pantyhose.

Who speaks for your generation?  Lady Gaga. [Not really; but that answer is guaranteed to shake up any uptight thirties-something. They need their knickers twisted in a knot on occasion.]

How do you see the state of society? Oh, it's pretty good. We need better t.v. reality programs.

What do you think of television news? I watch Stephen Colbert regularly. It gives me a religious experience, and there's no collection plate.

What do you think of Kobe? That's the best type of beef you can get at a Japanese steak house.

What are your plans for the future? I think the Bee Gees said it well: "Staying Alive."

Which U.S. Presidential Candidate is best suitable for your ideals? The guy that, you know . . . . .

Boy Being Punished

2011-10-04T14:52:00.010-05:00

This pisses me off. First of all, I don't see public humiliation as a suitable mode of correction, no matter the offense. I remember some loving parents having a school-aged son wearing diapers in public and holding a sign declaring his offense: "I wet the bed." I call that child abuse; and I am aware of the horrific scope that falls into that heading. The poor boy might be tormented by months of teasing and put-downs.

Secondly, blowing a little pot should be, at best, a "Don't do that any more; and maybe a week without cell phone privileges" event, at most.

And finally, for watching porn? What normal adolescent boy hasn't looked at porn? And maybe, some acceptable sexy fantasy materials should be provided. We do't need to make too much over boys reading lads' mags.

In my Angelic fantasy (my name is Angel, so I can have 'em), this is what I wish would happen. Our forlorn lad is forced to stand in public with his sign. Nobody gives him a dirty look.

Selena Gomez runs up to him, and gives him a friendly hug: "You poor boy!"

A busload of NFL players stop, and the team gets out. "We're standing with our bro here." They glare at anyone who might our boy some lip and are willing to give them a bad time..

Kim Kardashian comes by, gives him words of encouragement, and a copy of Maxim. She asks him not to smoke any dope, just as a favor to her. He, stunned in admiration, assents.

The Governor stops, asks "What's this shit," and immediately asks for an explanation. He is given one, declares it stoopid. No, podners, not stupid. But stoopid: pluperfectly stupid. And the Gov writes him a pardon. And then says, "Hey, mon, let's do some lunch now."

Want to Seem Sexy? Wear a Red Dress

2011-10-02T13:26:00.007-05:00

Here's a useful tip for attracting guys. Research* indicates that women or girls who wear red clothing are more likely to attract the attention of guys, be seen as sexy by them, and evoke more courtship-related behaviors. Whether the garment in question is a red formal dress, a short red skirt, or a red bikini, there is some advantage to wearing red, as compared to more sedate colors. As Françoise Sagan observed, "a dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off of you."

Of course, also be prepared for some kind of response from them that you have caused.

*To those that say that research is a waste, I submit this in rebuttal. (This is a polite scientific way of saying "up yours.") Anyway, I have field-tested this hypothesis. -- A.B.